Final Fantasy Y
by Kogekusai Gohan
Summary: Straightout storyline parody. Bashing focused on, but not limited to, Auron and Seymour... and everyone else, while we're at it. :D FINISHED! woot!
1. Attack of the Blob

The later chapters took so long to finish that inconsistencies started popping up all over, so this whole thing is being reedited.

But I assure you, it is DONE (party time!). Several years too late for anyone to care, but whatever.

Obligatory disclaimer: Characters and plot and concept © Square-Enix. This story specifically © me.

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Chapter 1 --- Attack of the Blob, or, Identity Crisis

One night in Zanarkand…

"What a lovely night in wherever this is," said a young man, stretching his arms high above his head, "I wonder why there is a mob outside my house…"

He was standing on a dock in front of his boat house, except that, he noticed, the dark water was quite a ways farther down, lapping against the sides of dark buildings and thick support poles covered in graffiti. One patch read "Seymour wuz here."

A small group of people was milling around in the elevated street that led from his house; many were holding bumpy blue balls which reminded the man of radioactive walnuts. He looked up. The sky was cloudless and full of stars. Closely examined, they were, in fact, very, very, very, VERY large paopu fruits. He looked around. This place was a forest of tall black buildings with bright neon lights, and there was not a green plant in sight. He looked down. "What shnazzy boots I have!"

"Look, it's the star player of the Zanarkand Abes!" someone in the mob cried, pointing at him. Everyone turned and cheered, then went back to milling as if nothing had happened.

"So I am the star player of some team that supposedly plays some sport… I'm going to further assume that this is why I'm dressed so funny," he thought. He looked at the people standing around him. "Maybe if I talk to them they'll tell me where I am." He walked up to a group of boys holding some of the strange balls and prompted one to speak.

"Hey, could you sign my blitzball?" one asked in a high-pitched whine, brandishing his odd ball, a blitzball…

"Okay…" said the man, and took the ball. He then wrote "Tydus" on a smooth spot in big loopy cursive which, if closely examined, proved to look nothing like English, or even proper writing. At a guess, it might have been a dolphin performing interpretive dance. "Because Tidus sounds too girly," Tydus thought, handing the ball back to the kid.

"Thanks! Have this," and the kid held up a big floppy book that said "Player's Guide" in colorful letters on the front.

Tydus took the book and flipped his blonde hair for no apparent reason. A girl standing nearby fainted.

He opened the book to the first page. It told him in an unusually straightforward manner (proof that it was no ordinary book) that this place was called Zanarkand and that he played something called blitzball. Also, the best way to get things to happen was to talk to everyone at least twice.

"All these people don't really want to talk to me, do they?" he thought. They did, but none of them was as profitable as the first kid. Tydus put his guide in the pocket dimension he found inside his oddly cut overalls. He had picked up from the mob that he should head toward the stadium. Of course, he had no idea where this was, and none of the buildings around him looked like it housed any kind of sporting arena. "But who knows what this sport requires," he thought, starting to worry. Since there was only one way to go on this road, that way he went.

"I hope the entire blitzball game is a cut scene, or I'm toast," Tydus thought, and muttered a song about toast under his breath as he walked down the street. He was feeling very self-conscious about his clothes, and everyone's staring and pointing didn't help. Worse, he was cold. "These clothes don't seem very functional, maybe blitzball is some fashion game show or something. God I'm girly."

The people he talked to on the street were even less interesting than the people at his house, but one gave him some Potions, and another gave him a Phoenix Down. This item supposedly brought one person back to life. Tydus thought this was extremely creepy and ran away from the generous person rather quickly.

He reached a section of the street that was deserted. He looked up and noticed a large billboard on one of the buildings. It showed a large picture of someone who appeared to be his father, whom he called "old man" and everyone else called Jecht. "I hate my old man," said Tydus, and then started into a long soliloquy about hating his father, who disappeared and left him and his mother and was a supreme drunken jerk when he was there. The irony, of course, is that everyone pinned his success in blitzball on his dad's skill. So sad, so sad.

When he was finished he carried on up the road, wondering if there were any cars in Zanarkand that he should maybe look out for. As he neared the stadium he could hear tasteful rock music and saw another mob like the one outside his home, only much bigger and more violent. According to the player's guide this was a mini-game: Get through the mob of blitzball fans! No one seemed perturbed by his odd clothes here. In fact, there were cries of "Get his jacket-thing!" or "Marry me, Tydus!"

He instinctively flipped his hair again, which left him standing in a small clearing of fainted people. He continued through the crowd using this strategy. He did not dare to talk to anyone, which was a shame because they would have given him all seven Sigils, twenty Tetra Elementals, and many Level 4 Key Spheres.

When he finally got through the mob a cut scene commenced. "Oh, good," thought Tydus. The cut scene showed many people in a huge mechanical stadium, possibly everyone in Zanarkand was there, except maybe the people outside his house and on the street and the garbage men. It also showed a strange suspended invisible bubble in the center of the stadium filling up with water, and then all of Zanarkand in all of its tall black glory. To wrap up the spiffy scene switching, it showed an ominous swell in the water outside the city, performing its own physics-defying water stunt. At this point we can't be sure that this isn't perfectly normal. Then Tydus's team, all dressed like him, jumped into the blitzball bubble along with another six people who were also dressed slightly different, but still ridiculous. "We will surely drown!" cried Tydus, fighting hard against his team to get to any surface of the sphere. Everyone was giving him funny looks.

"Cool it, man, you're a blitzball player!" said a teammate. "All blitzball players have gills, remember?"

"That's creepy!" said Tydus, but before he could say more on the subject the cut scene picked up again and they started playing. Tydus decided that blitzball, on top of being physically impossible, was also insane. He was about to pull off a really fantastic shot (called the Jecht Shot to add to the irony), which required much flipping of the hair, when it carried him out of the sphere, upside down. While he was there, he decided he may as well take in the sights. He noticed that the buildings of Zanarkand seemed to be falling up, or maybe it was just the vertigo… but no, because he then saw a sphere of colorful water that could have been ten times as large as the blitzball sphere, and it was sucking up more water and parts of buildings with it. It was also shooting lasers beams, and one of the things it hit was the stadium's delicate machinery that was required to maintain the blitzball sphere. The cushy ball of water below Tydus lost its inexplicable surface tension and fell apart beneath him.

Then he fell, too.

----

He hit the ground with a thud, but was surprisingly okay. He was near the stadium entrance, the large rustic statues and supports now piles of large rubble. The tasteful rock music was now screams of terror as people fled from the ruin. To add to the confusion, a man in an elegant red robe with a small beer keg and what might have been a lame left arm was casually leaning on a large Katana a few yards away.

"Hey!" called Tydus, running toward the strange man, "Some guy I know!"

"My name is Auron," said Auron. "This is not debatable," he added before Tydus could try to change it.

"Why are you here?" Tydus asked.

"I am here for reasons that I will not tell you. Neither will I tell you anything that is important but instead lead you on a god-awful quest to find it all out for yourself," Auron replied. He have Tydus a stern look. "Furthermore, this is not _your_ story and never will be."

"But--"

"Ever."

There was an awkward silence.

"Anyway, Auron, I'm not sure what the norm is around here, but there seem to be foul plots afoot, and they are looking to become asneaker or, god forbid, aboot! So what say we stop standing here and look for escape? Hello? Auron?" Auron was already walking calmly away.

"Hey, wait!" Tydus called as the ground started shaking. He ran after Auron, but suddenly everything stopped dead. The people still fleeing around him, Auron, even the rumbling street were all frozen.

"Don't cry."

Tydus whirled around, flipping his hair, to identify the voice. It belonged to a creepy little person who was either a young boy or an old lady. The face was hidden under the large purple hood of his cloak.

"What?" Tydus asked.

"Don't cry," he repeated.

"I'm… not crying…" he said, bewildered, and indeed he was quite a ways from crying. Strange things were happening all around him, but it wasn't upsetting so much as confusing. Then the midget disappeared. "I'll take my what the hell with a side of good riddance, please."

With the exact amount of 'suddenly' as when everything stopped it all started moving again, including the road, which was, it must be restated, very high above the churning water. Tydus resumed running toward Auron, who was now standing in front of many evil-looking pods.

"Here, from your dad," Auron said as he tossed a big sword to Tydus. It was red and jagged, and almost taller than Tydus himself.

"A sword? Am I supposed to fight with this? What would we even be fighting?! What do you mean, this is from my old man? I asked for a Playstation for Christmas. Why is a big round thing attacking the city? What's going on?!"

"Considering I already said I would tell you nothing, you are just wasting your breath," Auron answered, hefting his own oversized weapon.

"Arg…" said Tydus. He gave up and opened his guide. It told him that there were some things to fight and then some other vague and loopy things would happen. "Even the guide hates me!"

"The what?" Auron asked.

"The guide! My player's guide! Right here!" Tydus said irritably, flapping it in Auron's face for emphasis.

"Why are you doing that with your hand?"

"You can't see it?"

"See what?"

"Never mind," said Tydus with an evil grin.

"Stop playing around, we have to fight these pod things." As he said this the pods sprouted legs and sharp beaks and the world went blurry.

"I'm gonna be sick," Tydus moaned.

"Stupid battle transitions," remarked Auron. Then the world came back into focus. "You strike first, Tydus."

"What? That's silly, why would they just sit there while I—" Auron glared at him. "Oh, um, okay." Tydus almost cut off his head. "Practice swing! That was just practice!" He ran up and sliced at a pod monster, which the guide called a Sinscale. Small numbers appeared next to it: 103. "Yeah! That's how much butt I kick!"

"My turn," said Auron, sounding bored. He walked up to a Sinscale, raised his Katana with both arms, and struck down. The numbers showed 580.

"What?! Come on! I can't suck _that_ much!" Tydus whined, "And just what's the deal with your left arm?"

"Nothin' doin'." A beast attacked Tydus, doing crackers for damage.

"You won't even tell me that?"

"No." Auron sidestepped an attack from another pod creature.

"I can see you're gonna be a jerk."

"Your turn, " Auron said.

"A curse on your family!" Tydus yelled as he flipped his hair menacingly at the Sinscale. Two dropped dead immediately and the other was put in shock. Auron finished it off and the battle ended. Tydus even threw his sword in the air in celebration, nearly losing a hand.

"Yeah, we won! We won!" said Tydus.

"Well don't get too excited, we have 24 more battles before we get to the boss for this, the first of many 'levels,' and that's pretty minimal and straightforward when compared to the others, " Auron said in a rush of very unpleasant information.

"I don't think I want to ask you about anything anymore…" said Tydus.

They hacked their way down the street until they reached a giant squid-like monster.

"Rawr!" said the oversized Sinspawn.

"Grr!" said Tydus.

Auron sighed. This relationship between him and Tydus wasn't doing well at all.

"According to the guide, Sinspawn Ammes only uses Demi, so it can't kill us," stated Tydus.

"I have my overdrive now, I'm just going to kill this thing and cheese to your imaginary guide!" Auron said, and proceeded to hack the evil thing to pieces using his Bushido. It died in a puff of ability points.

"Wowee," said Tydus. "What now?"

It was at this point that the ground directly below Tydus gave out. Before he could fall to his doom he managed to grab a side of the ruined road.

"Little help!" Tydus requested, but smug little Auron just stood there. Then the giant water sphere, which had by now nearly obliterated all of Zanarkand, was directly above them, sucking the crumbling buildings into itself. The road started to rip off its supports. It was all very epic.

Auron looked up at the sphere with what Tydus thought was sorrow, but it was the same expression he used for being angry, happy, hungry, and bitter, so he wasn't sure. He had a nagging suspicion that Auron was up to no good and was regretting ever following him. The road he had such a precarious grip on gave a shudder and started lifting into the sky, into the gaping hole in the sphere.

"You are sure?" Auron asked it. Tydus was greatly annoyed that the sphere seemed to be in the know while he was left out in the cold.

The sphere thing must have said yes because Auron finally bent down, but instead of giving Tydus a hand, he grabbed him by the collar. "Dammit, Auron, I said help, not choke!"

Then the sphere sucked him into the hole. It was so unpleasant that Tydus lost consciousness.


	2. Tydus is DOOMED

We're doing standard Al Bhed this time around. Plus, starting from when Tydus learns Al Bhed, the translations will be inside the story! Woo!

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Chapter 2 --- Tydus is DOOMED

When Tydus woke up he was alone in a place he had never seen before. It was very cloudy, very broken, and very wet. A quick search revealed that Tydus still had his player's guide, but it didn't have much to say about what to do now.

"I will hurt Auron badly when I find him," Tydus told a scrawny bird perched on some nearby rubble. "You seem to be the only thing alive here, and I feel compelled to talk to you," he continued, but before he could carry on with this unproductive conversation the bird lifted its mangled wings and took off.

"Hey, wait!" Tydus yelled, but the rubble soaked up the sound like a sponge. He decided to follow the bird, for there did not seem to be anything else to do. He splashed and swam through the flooded ruins, looking for the dark outline in the sky that was the bird. When he caught up with it, he was at the entrance to the remains of what might once have been a temple. The early dawn light that was beginning to fight its way through the clouds reflected off the wet rubble at the entrance made it look heavenly. Tydus decided that the temple was more promising than the bird, for he was a city kid and the idea of eating the bird never crossed his mind. It was just as well, because the bird was only a figment of his imagination.

In the gloom of the inside of the temple Tydus followed a crumbling path over a giant flooded room. Once again, the ground fell out from beneath him and he dropped into the dark water.

"Do I need to lose weight or something?!" he shouted to no one.

He swam around until he found what looked like an exit, but as he neared it he was aware of other creatures somewhere close. Tydus for some reason thought stopping was a better idea than swimming faster, and he pulled his sword out of his pocket dimension. Out of the murk came several large, freakish fish. Tydus was ready for a fight, but suddenly a much larger and more freakish fish, if it could be called a fish, swam by, catching the smaller ones in its huge mouth.

"Oh, crap!" yelled Tydus as Geosgaeno turned on him.

Then the world fell apart.

When it pulled itself back together the big fish was between Tydus and the exit and it was battle time, as indicated by the turn meter, attack menu, and announcement bar lined up around the edges of Tydus's vision. Geosgaeno was almost five times his size, with all manner of spines, fins, and other scary or dangerous things. Tydus prayed a little, then swam up and swung his sword willy-nilly in the creature's general direction. The damage showed 42.

"Crap again!"

Then the giant beast attacked. It halved Tydus's health.

"Triple crap!" yelled Tydus, and made a break for it. "Auron, wherever you are, I promise to temporarily withhold your beating if you come save my butt!" But Auron didn't come, to no one's surprise.

Tydus made a beeline for the exit, using his inherent blitzball speed. The fish tried to suck him back, but he finally made it through. As a final attempt to kill Tydus, the fish crashed into the wall, closing the hole with rubble.

Wherever Tydus had ended up, it was dark and, like everything else here, filled with more rubble. He walked until he found an large room where light had found a way in. When he got through he was in what must have been a great hall. There were dry patches here and a part of the ceiling had fallen in to reveal that the sky was already getting darker. Tydus noticed that he was shivering and his stomach made a loud rumble that echoed through the equally empty hall. He was starting to think about what bird tasted like.

He walked to the center of the hall and noticed what looked like a fire pit. There was even some old wood in it.

"Well that would solve one problem," said Tydus, "I just need to find some flint…" He looked around at the huge piles of rubble. A gleam caught his eye. He walked over to investigate and found a box full of flint. "What luck! Now if I just knew how to make a fire…" He flipped out his guide, which told him to press "X" near the fire pit. By the time he figured out what that meant and got a small fire going it was very dark. The warmth and light were very comforting. For lack of any better ideas he explored some of the hallways that branched from the main room. Along one broken hall he saw what appeared to be a Withered Bouquet.

"This looks important, maybe I should keep it," and he stuffed it carelessly into his pocket dimension. He went back and sat by the fire. He started to relax and everything that had happened since the blitzball game flowed out of his head. Eventually, he fell asleep.

Tydus dreamed about the day his father did not come back. It was pretty boring, not sure why I bother to bring it up. "Stupid old man, " he muttered.

When he woke up the fire was very near dead. "Crap! Where's more wood?" But the old temple wasn't made of wood and (suspiciously) didn't have any emergency wood supplies, so the fire went out. It was near dawn, though, so he could still see, but he was cold again and his stomach felt like it had already resorted to eating itself.

After a while he thought he heard a noise somewhere above him and once again sensed that something was watching him. He looked up to the crumbling upper floors and saw a horrible, many-legged monster. Seeing it was discovered, Klikk jumped down to openly challenge Tydus. Tydus was beyond fear, and the only thought that stood a chance in his head was "Breakfast!"

The world broke apart again for the battle transition. The two, er, warriors exchanged a few blows and Tydus was beginning to think that the fiend would never die when a wall to his right blew up. Many oddly dressed men walked in, lead by an oddly dressed young woman. "Must be blitzball players!" Tydus logically concluded. But before Tydus could ask exactly who they were the woman jumped into the fight on his side.

"Hooray for me!" said Tydus.

With the grenade-chucking lady helping, Klikk was quickly disposed of. Much to Tydus's disappointment, it then puffed into nothing. "No breakfast, then," Tydus sighed.

"Nacdnyeh res!" said the woman.

"Pardon me?" asked Tydus as the men walked menacingly toward him. One grabbed his arms behind him. "Hey!"

"Fru yna oui, yht fryd yna oui tuehk rana?" the woman asked.

"Those goggles make you look hot," Tydus said, flipping his hair.

She smiled and took off her headgear. Tydus found her to be very cute.

"Zowee!" said Tydus.

She slapped him.

"Oh, fudge! That stings!"

She socked him in the gut.

"Oooo," Tydus grunted, and he slumped to the ground, unconscious yet again.

----

"Rao, fyga ib!"

"Wha--?" Tydus mumbled.

"E cyet, fyga ib!" the woman repeated.

Tydus opened his eyes. There were a few men standing around, and the young woman wasn't in front this time. They were on the deck of a small ship in the middle of some ocean. It was night, but several floodlights were on and Tydus could see everything clearly. One of the men was trying to get his attention.

"Lyh oui cfes?" he asked. Tydus gave him a blank look. "Cfes, oayr? Cfes?" the man continued, waving his arms in a way that resembled the breaststroke, "Avveleahd sujasahd uv dra ysnc yht makc eh dra fydan?"

"I'm no good at charades," Tydus remarked.

"He wants to know if you can swim," said the woman.

"Hey, you can speak English?" asked Tydus, "That's the most normal thing to happen to me in days!"

"Look, if you help us, you can stay and we'll feed you."

"Food?! Can I have that now?"

"No, work first."

"Phooey," said Tydus, "Fine. So what's your name?"

"Most definitely it is Rikku. I need you to accompany me underwater to a wrecked ship. We need the power from it to run our own."

" Yht pa xielg ypuid ed!" added the man.

"Not sure why I owe you, considering you assaulted and abducted me, but whatever. For the food!" cried Tydus, and he jumped into the water. Rikku followed. Tydus soon found out that the water was infested with piranhas. As a curious coincidence, they carried grenades, which was good because Rikku was running low.

Many battles and a few level ups later and they had reached the sunken ship. Rikku found a hatch, but the controls were broken.

"Where I'm from, we pound things that don't work," said Tydus, and he started pounding the controls. Rikku was greatly surprised to hear the gears start turning as the hatch opened. They swam through into more ruins. Tydus was wondering if there was anything more to this place than rubble and ruin.

They swam down corridors covered in seaweed until they reached the power room. Tydus once more attacked the machines with a barrage of punches and kicks. The generator spat lightning everywhere, but lights flickered on and a faint hum emanated from everything.

"That doesn't seem very safe…" Tydus noted.

"But it's very aesthetically pleasing," Rikku countered.

They swam back toward the hatch, but in one of the rooms there was something new, a very large and squid-like something.

"Wha-hey!" exclaimed Tydus as they prepared for battle.

Rikku chucked grenades like a crazy man in a shot-put competition, and Tydus used his overdrive, which was not nearly as impressive as Auron's. According to his guide, it would gain more nift the more he used it. Tros kicked the bucket and disappeared in a cloud of pyre-flies.

The rest of the crew joined them shortly, and within no time they had refueled the ship and were on their way to wherever it was they were going. All thanks to Tydus and his violent attitude toward fixing things.

The odd group of people was so grateful to Tydus for helping them that he got to sleep on deck. It was dawn before Rikku came up from below deck, carrying what smelled like the most wonderful food in the world. In fact, it was just freeze-dried space food, but Tydus hadn't eaten in days.

"Smells god-like!" said Tydus.

"I'll tell Ropp you liked his 'cooking'," Rikku replied as Tydus positively gorged himself in the TV dinner.

With the immense hunger gone Tydus's mind was prepared to think. It thought about all that had happened recently, then decided that it really didn't feel like thinking anymore.

"So who are you?" Rikku asked.

"Crap," thought Tydus's mind. He then said, "My name's Tydus, and I'm the star player of the blitzball team the Zanarkand Abes. My old man thinks I'm a weak little crybaby, but he's dead so he can stuff it."

"Wait, you said you were on a Zanarkand blitzball team?" Rikku gave him a funny look.

"Yeah, something wrong with that? You're not from the Duggles team, are you?"

"Is your head okay? Zanarkand has been a ruin for 1,000 years, remember? It hasn't had so much as a garbage committee since then."

"What? But the guide said I was in Zanarkand, and everyone else said so, too. I was just playing a nice game of blitzball when a giant sphere came and laid waste to all of city. Worst of all, Auron showed up and was being a jerk like he always is, then he got us sucked into the sphere and it dropped me off where you found me, all alone, too!"

Rikku stood there and thought a bit. Then she said, "Sin. I think the sphere thing you described was Sin. You must have gotten too close to it. That makes your head funny sometimes. It probably made you think you were there when it destroyed Zanarkand 1,000 years ago."

"That sounds more like weed than some city-wrecking monster. And 1,000 years? What a suspiciously nice number," Tydus muttered. "This is probably all Auron's fault. He practically _fed_ me to, uh, Sin, is it?"

"Just relax, people who get close to Sin sometimes get a little insane in the membrane, but I'm sure you'll get better. How about we take you to Luca. That place is big on blitzball, maybe you'll find the team you really belong to."

"Whatever, sounds like a decent plot device," said Tydus. He was too busy thinking of all the nasty things he was going to do to Auron if he ever found him. "So, what was that language you guys were speaking?"

"Wow, you're really out of it! We're Al Bhed, and that was our language. It's not that hard to learn. Just switch the letters with other letters and you have it. Try it!"

"Dryd'c ypcint! … Fryd dra ramm?!" said Tydus, "Rao, E's cbaygehk Ym Prat!"

"Good, except Al Bhed is just Al Bhed."

"Oh, then E's cbaygehk Al Bhed!"

"Yes, that's nice…"

Suddenly, the water a short ways away exploded, spraying them with water.

"Aiiiiee!" screamed Tydus.

"Sin!" screamed the Al Bhed.

Sin was not really a giant sphere of water now, but a more aquatic monster. It was also just as big as before, and when it rammed into the ship the force was so strong that it knocked Tydus overboard.

"Aiiiiee!" he screamed again, and was knocked out once more.

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Tydus doesn't know New Al Bhed yet, I don't think it's very fair for you to, but life's not fair.

Nacdnyeh res: Restrain him

Fru yna oui, yht fryd yna oui tuehk rana: Who are you, and what are you doing here

Rao, fyga ib: Hey, wake up

E cyet: I said

Lyh oui cfes: Can you swim

oayr: yeah

Avveleahd sujasahd uv dra ysnc yht makc eh dra fydan: Efficient movement of arms and legs in the water

Yht pa xielg ypuid ed: And be quick about it

Dryd'c ypcint! … Fryd dra ramm: That's stupid! … What the hell

Rao, E's cbaygehk Ym Prat: Hey, I'm speaking Al Bhed


	3. The World is DOOMED

Chapter 3 --- The World is DOOMED

Tydus woke up face down in the water. "Thank gods for gills!" he thought. He looked at his new surroundings. It was very sunny, probably on the same day. He was near a golden beach lined with green trees and bushes. The water was sparkling, blue and clear. It was a perfect place and Tydus was just waiting for something freakish and bad to happen.

A blitzball hit his head.

"Gods! It's raining blitzballs!" he exclaimed.

"Hey, brudda!" called a man with a Jamaican dreadlocks hat standing on the shore. He was wearing Odd Clothes, and there were five others wearing the same thing and playing with blitzballs. "Set up us the ball!"

"Blitzball is giving me no end of grief," Tydus muttered to himself, "But I guess I'm just gonna have to rely on meeting nice people. I should probably keep quiet about the Zanarkand thing, or people might think I'm crazy. If it really is true, what Rikku said… And I'm talking to myself." He decided that since it really wasn't raining blitzballs, then he might as well have some fun. He threw the ball into the air and performed the Jecht Shot (arg, irony), knocking the hat off the waving man's head to reveal the most outrageous cowlick ever encountered.

"Holy crap!" said the man. Tydus started toward the beach. "That was spiffy! You clearly know how to play blitzball. Also, you look like my dead brother, so I will help you with whatever problem you might have. My name is Wakka."

"I'm Tydus. Likewise, I have no last name."

"Who you play for?"

"The Zanarkand Abes." Hushed silence followed, then sparse chatting. Tydus was wondering what the problem was. Then he remembered, "D'oh! I mean nothing! I said nothing! I just got too close to Sin and, uh… Words…" he had extinguished his knowledge of Spira, but it seemed to be enough for them.

"Wow, that sucks!" said Wakka.

"Yes, so assume I know absolutely nothing about anything. Except blitzball, that I know very well." Tydus's stomach growled loudly. "Will the hunger ever end?!"

"Not 'till you're dead. And I've heard there's a McDonalds in the Farplane, so maybe not even then. I'll take you to Besaid Village and get you something to eat, then we can see what to do long term, ya?"

They left the rest of the team to practice as they headed toward the village. Tydus didn't think they looked very skillful. The very fact that they were practicing out of the water was proof enough.

"So, do you know what happened one thousand years ago in Zanarkand?" he asked.

"Yeah," replied Wakka, "One thousand years ago the people used machina to do all the work for them, and Zanarkand was the biggest city. Then Sin came and blasted their lazy asses. See all these ruins?" _Yes_, Tydus thought, _do I ever_. "It went on to attack other major cities, and ever since then Sin has terrorized what's left of us. The teachings of the old and mysterious Yevon say that we are paying for our sins, but it's not like we were the ones who screwed up, ya? Still, people back then must have been pretty soft, eh, haha!"

"Er, yeah, soft…" Kill Auron, kill Auron.

They had to swim through more piranha-infested water, and Wakka was fighting with a blitzball. _Somebody's passionate about the sport_, Tydus thought. They swam on.

"Hey, do you think you could go to Luca with our team? We haven't won a game in years and you could help us pull our sorry butts into the winner's circle. There's gonna be a huge tournament, your own blitzball team might be there."

"Since I have nothing better to do, sure!" and he thought, _Rikku wanted me to go there anyway_. They reached the end of the river and started walking again.

"So you guys have a motto?" Tydus asked.

"Ya, it's 'do your best'," Wakka replied.

"But that's so lame! No wonder you've been losing!" said Tydus, laughing with the sadness of it, "Here's a better one: Victory!"

"Isn't that kind of shallow?"

"Yes, but it's better than 'do your best', jeebus!"

Wakka and Tydus caught up with two men. Luzzu and Gatta, the guide told him.

"Hello," said one of them. Wakka glared at them and pulled Tydus away before he could say hello back.

"What was that for?" Tydus asked.

"They are Crusaders. They think they can kill Sin without a high summoner, which is of course crazy. Chappu turned from teachings of Yevon to join the Crusaders, and now he's dead."

"Who's Chappu?"

"My dead brother. Anyway, I also hate the Al Bhed. If you know and care for any Al Bhed, you should make sure I never see them, for they shall be ripped to pieces! Hey, you're not an Al Bhed, are you?"

"What? NO! Definitely not!" said Tydus, then thought, _If anyone on that Al Bhed ship survived I hope Wakka doesn't find out_.

"By the way, since you said you don't know anything, I'm going to assume you don't remember the prayer."

"What prayer?"

"Uh-huh. Well, it goes like this: first you hold your arms out at angles, makes it look like a 'Y', ya?" he showed Tydus, "Then you stick both arms and a leg out to one side like an 'E'." He did this. "Next, you crouch down and hold your arms out at angles, like a 'V'. And then you hold your arms above your head in a circle to get an 'O'. Finally, you do this odd thing with your arms to look like an 'N'," and he did those things, too.

"That's kinda complicated…"

"Well at least it's just 'Yevon' and not something like 'Geosgaeno', but we do have a simplified version," Wakka said, then showed Tydus by moving his arms in big circles and then making a circle with his cupped hands.

"Okay, I think I can do that…" said Tydus. They had arrived at the village now, a small collection of brightly colored huts overshadowed by a great temple. "At least it's not a ruin," Tydus muttered, then said to Wakka, "We get food now?"

"No, first we have to do several other lengthy tasks that involve lots of fiend-fighting," Wakka replied.

"What?!" exclaimed Tydus, "Is there a famine or something, that people are so disinclined to give a little food?" His stomach concurred.

"Just kidding! Come on to my house," said Wakka, and he led Tydus to one of the huts.

"Oh, look, a _fan!_" Tydus said sarcastically.

"Yeah, pretty nice, eh? But I think it's pushing it. I might have it removed."

"Why?"

"Machina is bad, goes against the teachings, and more importantly, it's why Sin came in the first place."

"I see…" Tydus had had the best in climate control in his now-ruined house. "Better than ruins, I guess." KILL AURON! KILL AURON!

They ate and rested, and then went to the temple to see what they could do about Tydus's "memory problem." When they got there one of the priests walked up to Wakka looking worried.

"What's the matter?" asked Wakka, "Are Al Bhed mooning the statues again?" He held his blitzball menacingly.

"No, that was just a dream you had. The problem is that Lady Yuna still hasn't returned from the Cloister of Trials yet. It's been days!"

"Cloister of Trials?" Tydus asked.

"Place where summoners go to get aeons," explained Wakka, "Not very dangerous, but they have the most annoying puzzles."

"Puzzles, eh?" Tydus thought, "With my guide this should be easier than beating old people with silverware!" He started up the stairs to the Cloister.

"Hey! Where are you going?" asked Wakka, "Only summoners and their guardians are allowed in there!"

"Well, I have a player's guide and it says I should go in, so in I go!"

"If this so called guide told you to jump off a bridge would you do it?"

"If there were more pages after that, yes!"

"Well, since you look like Chappu I'll let you go."

Tydus finished running up the stairs and into the Cloister. Wakka fought off priests with his blitzball. Inside the Cloister of Trials the main sources of light were glowing glyphs all over the walls. Tydus carefully followed the guide's instructions and was almost to the end when Wakka caught up with him, panting hard. He looked lightly mauled.

"I didn't know priests could fight like that!" he said. Then the platform they were standing on shuddered and went down. "You are a very strange person, you know that?" said Wakka.

"Yeah, well, this is a very strange place," Tydus replied.

They reached the bottom, and it was gloomy.

They heard a woman's voice, "Wakka, what are you doing here? Didn't think we could handle it?" She approached them as they stepped off the platform. She wore a dress that defied gravity and involved lots of belts, and she was carrying a doll. _Speaking of strange…_ thought Tydus.

"Hello, Lulu!" said Wakka, "This is Tydus."

"You look like Chappu!" said Lulu.

"Only I'm not dead," Tydus pointed out.

"I suppose not…" Lulu said.

"Who's the furry blue guy over there?" asked Tydus, pointing at a moody blue Ronso with a broken horn who was leaning on a wall near a fancy-looking door at the rear of the room.

"Oh, him?" said Lulu, "That's Kimahri. He showed up one day and has been following us ever since. He hasn't said a word, very creepy. We think of we ignore him he might go away."

"How nice," Tydus said with a cautious smile.

"Not really."

"So, what are we standing around for?"

"Lady Yuna is beyond that door asking for the aeon's help. If she succeeds, then she will officially be a summoner, and will start a pilgrimage to receive the final aeon, which she will use to defeat Sin," Lulu explained.

"This final aeon, we get that from someone called Lady Yunalesca?" Tydus asked.

"I suppose so, why?"

"Do people usually have to fight to get an aeon?"

"Noooo…"

"I don't think Yuna's gonna get the final aeon. The guide says we do something to piss Lady Yunalesca off and we have to fight her, and if we win, then she's dead, and-"

"Shut up!" said Wakka, "Geez, brudda. That makes less sense than everything else you've said so far put together! Why in the world would we fight Lady Yunalesca, anyway?! And what do you mean 'we', we're dropping you off in Luca! More to the point, what's this guide thing you keep talking about?"

Tydus sighed, "You sound like me talking to Auron, but I wont answer anyway, not because I'm a jerk, but because I suppose it doesn't matter…" He paused. "By the way, Maester Seymour, is he a bad guy?"

"Just shut up," implored Wakka.

"'Cause we kill him, like, _five times!_" Tydus continued.

"Shut up!" said everyone but Kimahri, though he did look quite ruffled.

"Okay then," said Tydus.

The door at the back of the room made a noise like an elevator arriving at a floor, and then opened. A very tired-looking young woman wearing big black boots, a purple skirt, and a sheet as a shirt walked down the stairs. She looked a Kimahri.

"Aw, is he still here?" she asked, "I was hoping to bore him to death." Then she looked at Wakka and Tydus.

"Hello, Yuna!" said Wakka.

"Hi, Wakka. Who's this?" She looked a Tydus. Tydus looked at her. She had one blue eye and one green eye.

"You're the most beautiful freak I've ever seen!" said Tydus.

"Brudda, you're gonna make life so hard on yourself if you keep making such horrible first impressions," said Wakka. "And I need to stop talking like that. I lost my hat, after all."

"I'm sorry," said Tydus, and he put away his guide, "My name is Tydus, and I am not on the blitzball team called the Zanarkand Abes, and I am certainly not the star player of said team."

"Okay…" said Yuna, "Let's go outside so I can summon the aeon!" They left the Cloister of Trials. All the priests were glaring at them. Wakka had an embarrassed grin. A closer look at the priests revealed many bumps and some had the word "Wilson" imprinted backwards on their skin.

Once they were outside people from the village made a circle around Yuna. When everyone was there Yuna struck a pose and waved her rod. The sky exploded with light and out of it came the aeon. It was all bright reds, purples, and yellows and had two clawed wings, a silver beak, and a great wad of hair, possibly just really long feathers. It flew down and landed in front of Yuna. It was at least twice her size.

"It's so cute!" said Yuna, "I want to hug it!" And she did. The fierce aeon purred.

"I'll call you Ifrit!" said Tydus. A loud buzzer sounded. "What?! Fine then, you can just be Valefor." The aeon sniffed at him and then flew away.

"Let's hit the sack! For tomorrow we start a grand adventure whose end it is far beyond our ability to discern, but it shall be historic," said Wakka. Right. Tydus had to sleep on the couch because Wakka wouldn't let him stay at the Crusader's inn.

In the morning they went to the dock. A small group of villagers was there to see them off. Tydus talked to them and they asked him to deliver some gifts to Yuna.

"Yeah, I'll give them to Yuna." _Not!_ thought Tydus.

When the summoner, her guardians, and the village's loser blitzball team were all on board the S.S. Liki, it set sail.


	4. Don't Leave Tydus on His Own

Ch.4 --- Don't Leave Tydus On His Own

It was another beautiful day. A cloudless sky, a calm ocean breeze. The rocking of the ship and the creaking of the tackle. Tydus longed for his stationary houseboat.

Wakka turned to Tydus, "How about you take a look around the ship?"

"Because ships are so interesting," added Lulu. Wakka sighed.

Tydus headed below deck.

The hall was mostly empty except for a stout guy with a giant pack on his back, leaning against a wall. "Hey there! Give me money!" he said. "There's a possibility that it'll be worth it later!"

"Who are you?" asked Tydus.

"I'm Oaka! Oaka XXIII, merchant extraordinaire!"

"'Merchant extraordinaire'? You don't look very extraordinary."

"Not yet! That's what the money's for, you daft and poorly dressed pansy!"

"That's not a very good way to ask for money," Tydus remarked, but gave him some Gil anyway.

"Thank you kindly."

"Uh, yeah…" said Tydus. He wandered to a door that said "Power Room". "Huh, is there machina in there?" he wondered, and walked in. The thing that hit him first was the fact that there were several large birds running in equally large gerbil wheels. Then he noticed that the wheels were connected to other wheels and these were connected to various other things.

"What is this?" asked Tydus, flabbergasted.

"You've never seen chocobo power?" said a woman standing at the other end of the room.

"So these are chocobos?" Zanarkand lacked only a zoo. And Animal Planet.

"You've never seen chocobos?!"

"Yes, I'm just fooling you."

"Really?"

"No," laughed Tydus. "This seems awfully cruel to the poor birds…"

"They're just chocobos, kid."

"How would you like it if someone stuffed you in a wheel and made you run for hours?" Tydus demanded, eyeing some important-looking levers near the wheels.

"Actually they quite like the excer--"

"Freedom to the chocobos!" cried Tydus, and he lunged at the levers. Instantly the wheels stopped, but the chocobos, being without prior warning, ran up the sides and fell on their heads. "Um… Freedom! Run away! Run away from the oppressors!" Tydus yelled, waving his hands at them as they got up. They stood there. One of them sniffed his head. The woman raised an eyebrow at Tydus.

"Chocobo Eater!" Tydus yelled, waving his arms again. If Tydus was looking for a raging stampede in a cramped room full of pointy objects, then his mission was accomplished. Chocobos were running into walls, people, and other chocobos. There was a great deal of warking and feathers were flying everywhere.

As disrupted by this as Tydus was, he could still be heard above the chocobos yelling, "Freedom to the chocobos!" Eventually the crew, try as they might, could not ignore the ruckus and lack of power and came down to assist the woman in calming the chocobos. Since Yuna and company were not required to help, they all thought it was hilarious, but they also had a long talk with Tydus about everything chocobo.

When this was over Tydus wandered into the room where some of the Besaid Aurochs were passing the time. One was puking and the other was hiding from the puke. Tydus saw a strange briefcase on the floor. Actually, there wasn't much that was strange about its look as much as there was about it being there. Who here actually owned a briefcase? Tydus decided to kick it. Very pre-9/11 of him, kicking a suspicious briefcase. A Potion appeared out of nowhere. "That's odd…" thought Tydus. He kicked it again and received another Potion. He looked around. No one was watching. He backed out of the room slowly.

He continued backing right into Luzzu the Crusader. He was guarding a door along with Gatta.

"Hello, again," said Luzzu.

"Sorry. What are you guarding?" asked Tydus.

"Top secret stuff!"

"Really? Sounds interesting."

"Oh, it is!"

"I see…" Tydus gave up and decided to go back up on deck. He could hear people talking at the front of the ship and headed there. Yuna was standing in front of a small crowd.

"Hey, I heard she's Lord Braska's daughter!" said one man.

"You mean that spiffy guy who defeated Sin the last time?" asked another.

"The very guy! She's destined to be a summoner!" added someone else.

"Wow!" said several others. And they all wandered off talking about the great Lord Braska. Tydus walked up to Yuna.

"It really bites to have an accomplished father," he said.

"I am honored to be my father's daughter."

"Well your dad didn't laugh at or verbally abuse you, and wasn't an overall jerk. When I do well in blitzball, everyone thinks of my father, not me."

"Is your father Sir Jecht?"

"Uh, not really _Sir_ Jecht…" Tydus's face fell. "What, is he still famous after one thousand years?"

"No, he was my father's guardian. He came to Spira ten years ago."

"But he was dead… How do you know he's my old man, anyway?"

"You have the same 'J' symbol all over your clothes. If you hate your father so much then that's kind of ironic, isn't it?"

"Huh, I guess I do… funny, I never noticed." Tydus fought the desire to publicly strip. This irony crap kept piling up.

"Sir Jecht must have gotten here the same way you did."

"I think someone would have noticed if a giant blob had attacked the city to pick up my old man 10 years before it went and did it again to me. And by someone, I mean everyone."

"Um…"

"So do you know where he is now?"

"No."

"I'll bet my old man is just as responsible as, if not more than, Auron for all of my problems, and he'll get the same as Auron if I see him again."

Before Yuna could upset Tydus further by adding "Sir" to "Auron", too, the water directly next to the ship gave way to the world's largest dorsal fin, nearly flipping the ship over.

"Holy crap!" said some.

"Sin!" said the others.

"How can you be sure it's Sin?" asked Tydus, rubbing his chin in thought.

"Man the harpoons!" said the captain, pointing at several of the vicious-looking whale killers which lined the boat. "And that doesn't mean putting Ted in the firing apparatus, Ed, this is serious." Ed and Ted climbed off the harpoon, looking dejected under the captain's accusing finger. "It's heading for Kilika! We must stop it!" Someone gave a nervous cough. "Well, let's at least piss it off and maybe it'll forget what it was doing!" A man is hard-pressed to say something inspirational about fighting Sin. Nonetheless, the crew valiantly, if a little unwisely, shot Sin full of harpoons, which were tied to the ship. Sin was still moving, so they were getting tugged to Kilika.

"See?" said Tydus, "Who needs chocobo power?" Everyone rolled their eyes at him, then Yuna, her guardians, and Tydus set to work pulverizing Sin's fin. The fin had sinscales growing on it like barnacles, which jumped onto the deck and attacked.

Tydus had the first turn.

"Yeah! Hastega all around!" he said. Nothing happened. "I mean, Haste! On… Wakka, so he can whack Sin a lot!" So Wakka threw his blitzball, and when it hit it was very far away and made a cut little "Bonk!" noise. Somehow, it caused damage. Then it returned, in a remarkable display of anti-physics. Lulu hit the fin with various elemental magics, Tydus and Kimahri hacked the sinscales, and Yuna healed people, though there wasn't much to heal because it was just a fin and it wasn't really _doing_ anything.

Finally the rope holding Sin to the ship broke, and the ship shuddered and came to a halt in the roiling water. Sin kept going, out of sight. Everyone looked glum, but there seemed to be something missing, something big. "The protagonist!" they said. Tydus had been tossed overboard.

Wakka immediately jumped into the water and found Tydus floating around unconscious in the water.

"Hey, wake up!" yelled Wakka, and he chucked his blitzball at him.

"Owie," Tydus moaned, and shook himself awake.

"How about we get back on this ship, ya?" suggested Wakka. They started to swim to the surface, but were stopped when several aquatic sinscales swam past.

"I thought Sin was gone…" said Wakka.

Then a big, ugly, jellyfish-like sinspawn swam out of the deep to attack.

"Oh, fudge," said Tydus, and they started fighting. Wakka used his Dark Attack, and they had a good laugh watching Echuilles flounder around, blinded, until Wakka ran out of MP, of course. They were both very roughed up by the time it died, but found the energy to pull off their little victory jigs anyway.

By the time they had gotten back onto the S.S. Liki they had caught up with Sin. They watched in wonder as the total wreck of a town called Kilika was turned into even more of a wreck. People, pets, and planks of wood were sucked up slowly into the hurricane that was Sin.


	5. Lord Ochu Says: BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA

Chapter 5 --- Lord Ochu Says: Booga Booga Booga!

When the S.S. Liki reached what was left of the dock, the survivors of the attack were waiting for them.

"Hey, they have a summoner on board!" said one, "She can do the sending so that our dead loved ones don't come back and kill us!"

"Hooray!" said the small crowd. They wasted no time in wrapping the dead bodies in frilly coffins and sinking them in the shallows of the bay, in order to be ready by sunset. Someone set up a ticket booth for the show.

The sending was done by the waving of Yuna's rod willy-nilly while walking on water. There were fancy waterworks, done by both the people and the water. The orange sun gave the sending a warm glow, and the dimming light made the pyreflies more vivid. Yuna was flipping hair and twirling around and just all-out dancing

"I am very turned on by this," Tydus whispered to Lulu. Lulu fumed and made a mental note to smack Tydus later.

Before they went to bed at the inn Tydus was smacked and everyone had dinner. The people were looking very lost and depressed. Tydus looked extremely happy, because he was eating.

When he woke up it was late in the morning and the sun was shining brightly through a hole in the roof. No one was in the room so he went downstairs.

"Hello!" said the receptionist, "You sleep late. Your friends are waiting outside."

"Thanks," Tydus said. He turned to look at a kid who was running around the room.

"I'm gonna be a blitzball when I grow up!" said the kid.

"Okay…" Tydus said, then thought, "Must've gotten too close to Sin." He headed out of the inn. One of the Besaid Aurochs was waiting outside.

"Do you _know_ how long everyone's been waiting for you to wake up?" said the Auroch impatiently, tapping his foot and observing on his wrist a watch that didn't exist.

Tydus felt important that everyone would wait. And why not? He was the protagonist! "Thanks for not making me get up."

"Oh, we _tried._ You sleep like a log! Go to Wakka ASAP." And he ran off.

"I see…" Tydus felt rather less important. He wandered around stealing things from the poor people of Kilika. "Gonna fight Sin, gotta keep up my strength, guide said so," he would cough out before grabbing Potions, Gil, and food. Finally, he headed toward where Wakka and the Besaid Aurochs were helping rebuild the place.

"What part of ASAP don't you get?" Wakka demanded.

"Apes Should Appreciate Papayas? What's not to get? They should do just that," replied Tydus.

Wakka shook his head. "Look, just come with us to the temple to pray for victory, because we need a plot device for you to be with Yuna more and develop a relationship."

"Okay…" and so they all headed to the temple, which was beyond the Kilika Forest. At the entrance to the forest was Yuna, accompanied by Lulu and Kimahri.

"Sorry we're late," said Tydus, "Wakka was having some papaya problems."

"Wha--?" said Wakka, a bit put off.

"So, let's go to the temple!" Tydus continued. The forest was, of course, filled with fiends and lovely treasure. Tydus led them every which way and ended up at the beginning. Then he headed down the straight path through the center. The group came up to Luzzu and Gatta standing in the middle of the road. Wakka glared, then turned around and started picking fights with butterflies.

"Yo! There are bad things this way!" said Gatta, "Specifically Lord Ochu!"

"All right!" said Yuna and Company. "Lord Ochu!" They ran with much spirit to meet the most awesome of all things plant-like.

When they reached the clearing the saw the wonderful Lord Ochu, as big as a shoopuf, with long, slender tentacles. Its bright yellow and green skin glistened in the midday sun. Then Lord Ochu opened its great mouth and said, "BOOGA, BOOGA, BOOGA!"

The group stared at it, dumbfounded. Wakka picked up his jaw and said, "Sir, your words have greatly offended me! Now we fight!" and then promptly chucked his blitzball at it.

"Bonk!" said the ball.

"Charge!" cried Tydus, and the whole group pounced on Lord Ochu like a Cuisinart on celery.

"Gurgle," Lord Ochu muttered pitifully, and it died.

"Woohoo!" said everyone, and they continued on their way to the temple. When they got there there were various villagers milling around. A blitzball team was walking out of the temple.

"Ah-ha-ha! We are the Luca Goers, and we are full of ourselves!" said the one in the lead quite loudly, "We will win the blitzball tournament again like we always do!"

"Well, we kick more butt than you!" said Tydus, "Furthermore, we aren't the wimpy Besaid Aurochs anymore! We're the Victorious Besaid Aurochs Plus Tydus!"

"So?"

"Well, one thousand years ago I was the best! And one thousand and ten years ago my old man was the best!"

"So you are…?"

"About 1,020 years old, yes."

"You're looking well…"

"You're not!" said Tydus, and he blew raspberries at all of them then ran off. Yuna and her guardians followed, looking embarrassed.

Inside the temple there were people praying. The Victorious Besaid Aurochs Plus Tydus went to pray for victory in the tournament. Tydus was doing a very awkward version of the YEVON prayer while humming the tune from the song "YMCA." When they were done the door to this temple's Cloister of Trials opened. Down the steps went a scantily clad summoner with a very smug expression on her face, closely followed by a muscle-bound, oatmeal-brained guardian.

"What a friendly-looking person, let's say hi," said Yuna to the group, and then to the summoner, "Hey! Hello!"

The summoner turned with a look of disdain on her face. "Oh, hello there," she said icily, "My, what a lot of guardians!"

"Well, the theory is that we get more turns in battle with more people," Yuna replied.

"I don't need anyone but Bruno here," she gestured un-lovingly at the behemoth behind her. Bruno grunted. "My name is Dona, Bitch of the Century."

"… My name is Yuna… just Yuna. I guess I'll see you around."

"I hope not!" replied Dona with more than a hint of menace, then twirled around and left. Bruno turned and loped off after her.

"Oh yeah? Well your butt has celluloid wrinkles and your guardian is stereotypical!" Tydus called after them. Dona twitched but kept walking. Faint sobs seemed to be emanating from Bruno.

"What a nice person!" Yuna said uncertainly.

"Not really," said everyone else.

"I guess not," said Yuna, and she hung her head. They all stood around in an awkward pause. Then Yuna picked her head back up. "Let's go do the Trials!"

"Oh, yeah, right," said everyone, and they all headed toward the Cloister of Trials. Kimahri shoved Tydus away. He flew across the room to meet with the wall.

"Owie," said Tydus.

"You're not a guardian, why do you think you can keep following us?" questioned Lulu, and they disappeared inside the Cloister.

Tydus was still getting his wits together when Dona and Bruno came into view. "Hello, why are you still here?" he asked them.

"I thought I'd live up to my name," replied Dona with an evil sneer. Bruno bent down and picked up the dazed blitzer and carried him up the stairs. Then he threw Tydus onto the elevator platform that would take him to the Cloister of Trials.

Tydus struggled to his feet and said, "Why did you do that?"

"Because I am the Bitch of the Century," Dona said simply.

"Okay, but it's not like this hasn't happened before, and you won't even be here to see what happens." Then poor, tossed Tydus was taken down to "brave" the Trials.

"Guide book time!" he said cheerfully, and took out the Player's Guide. Once again he solved bizarre puzzles at a speed that people lacking a guide of their own would have wept for. When he reached the last room he was met by looks of surprise followed by oaths of his destruction.

"Tydus, you're as bad as Kimahri!" exclaimed Lulu.

Tydus grinned sheepishly. "Hello again," he said with annoying cheer to Wakka, Lulu, and Kimahri. They sighed and went back to waiting for Yuna to emerge from the back room with a new aeon. Tydus went to check it out but was stopped by Kimahri, who shoved him away. Again he flew across the room, landing on a pile of conveniently placed cushy pillows. "What fun!" he thought, and he ran back to Kimahri, who shoved him again. This continued half because Tydus enjoyed it and half because he wanted to see just how long Kimahri would keep it up. But Kimahri only stopped when Yuna finally entered the room.

"Hello!" she said.

"Woot!" said Tydus, "A new aeon! Maybe you can be Ifrit!" He waited for the loud buzzer sound, but none came and thus it was Ifrit. And so the group had two aeons that had yet to prove their use.

By this time a ship called the S.S. Wino, erm, I mean _Winno_, was expected at the new dock. The group headed back through the forest, stopping to pay their respects at Lord Ochu's freshly-dug grave, and then went along the docks of Kilika to the one that pier that hadn't been destroyed. There was the ship that would take them to Luca.

---------------------------------

That blitzball kid really says that.


	6. Ninjas!

The chapters get longer after this, I promise

-----------------------------------

Chapter 6 --- Ninjas!

By the time the ship took off it was dark. It was a clear night so the stars were shining brightly. Tydus was under heavy surveillance by the crew after what happened on the last trip. Nonetheless, he walked around the ship, navigating with no problem, as it looked exactly the same as the S.S. Liki.

He decided to see what had changed below deck, but it was suspiciously similar. Oaka bullied him for money, again. He went to look in the Power Room again, but the woman standing at the entrance flat out refused to let him in. The Besaid Aurochs were dealing with seasickness again, but there were also some Kilika Beasts ladies admiring the overweight Keepa. In front of the Crusaders' secret room Luzzu and Gatta were standing guard, or rather, Luzzu was watching Gatta sleep.

"Such devotion!" remarked Tydus.

"Well, it's not like a bunch of ninjas are going to suddenly appear and demand entrance," Luzzu replied.

"I suppose so," said Tydus, and he wandered away wondering where he could find ninjas at this time of night.

Back on deck Tydus saw that the Luca Goers were bothering Yuna and went over to help. "Hey, zoo escapees, lay off!"

"Well, if it isn't the grandpa of the Besaid Aurochs," said one.

"You know he was just joking," said Yuna, "He's really just from Zanarkand."

"I see…" said the Goer laughingly.

"You don't believe me! But there is a Zanarkand, and Tydus is from it! Tell them, Tydus!"

Tydus shook his head sadly, "I never said there _is_ a Zanarkand, but there certainly _was_. Now it's just a pile of rubble with no garbage men to clean it up."

"That's for sure!" said the lead Luca Goer, "Keep your crazy girlfriend under control!" The team dispersed to other parts of the ship.

"Tydus!" Yuna bopped Tydus on the head with her rod.

"What? Even if it is true, there's no reason to bestow the knowledge on those jerks. Zanarkand was a thousand years ago, and I'm just a time traveler."

A spooky voice said, "Nooooo, you're noooooot! OOOoooOOOooo!"

Tydus turned to see the short boy in the purple cloak, sitting on a crate nearby. "What's that supposed to mean?" Tydus asked.

"Who are you talking to?" asked Yuna, but the boy was gone.

"Uh, no one,"

"Tydus, I want you to be my guardian."

"But what about Luca?"

"You know very well there's no one there for you. Sir Jecht was my father's guardian, maybe it's fate that you should be mine."

"Well that cinches it. If my dad did it before me then I'll have nothing to do with it."

"How long's it going to take you to get over it?"

"If he's actually alive, then until I punch him out. If he's just dead, then until I punch out his corpse."

"I see…"

Wakka approached them from the front on the ship. "Hey, we're almost to Luca!"

-------------------------------------

Call 1-800-GO-NINJA for professional ninja services! ';..;'


	7. Anima is God

Chapter 7 --- Anima Is GOD

Luca, though less than a tenth of Zanarkand's size, was the biggest hunk of civilization Tydus had seen in one thousand years. There were no neon lights or big black buildings, but rather swooping structures that were very colorful and curvy. The place was, of course, centered around spheres. Tydus found out that "the sphere" was the equivalent of TV. When the S.S. Winno arrived at Dock 2 they could hear announcers readying the people of Luca for the amazing tournament that was soon to come.

"Hello folks, and what a lovely day it is in Luca!" said Bobba the announcer.

"Yes, indeed, and what splendid weather we're having!" added Jimma.

"It is truly pristine!" continued Bobba.

"Like a postcard!"

"…"

"Anyway," said Jimma, grinning evilly at Bobba, "All the teams are coming in! In Dock 1 are the Ronso Fangs! They're looking awfully blue today, aren't they, Bobba?"

"Whatever, Jimma," Bobba said tersely, but then put the cheer back in, "Dock 5 is preparing a soft landing pad. It seems the Guados have a new traveling fad called the 'cannon' which the Guado Glories will be using. I have my doubts. And in Dock 4 come the Al Bhed Psyches. I think Wakka plans to be in this tournament, so watch out, guys!"

"And in Dock 2, the S.S. Winno seems brimming full of blitzball teams! First off are the Kilika Beasts. Their town was recently torn to shreds by Sin, no thanks to those losers on the S.S. Liki. Cheer up, fellas, there's a game to play!"

"Hoo boy, look who decided to drag their sorry asses out of Besaid to compete! The biggest losers in the world: the Besaid Aurochs! And yes, there's Wakka, keep him away from Dock 4! And it looks like they have a new player on the team. You can tell by his completely different uniform! Ooh, he's staring daggers at us, Jimma! Don't lose too bad, Aurochs!"

Tydus wanted to throw bricks at them, but he wasn't sure just where in Luca they were.

"And the last and best of the teams, the Luca Goers! Aren't they just superior in every way? Of course they are! Woot! Looks like Luca's getting the cup again!" Jimma drooled. "Hey! Where'd that guy get those bricks?"

Tydus was not going to stand for these announcers, and had started throwing bricks every which way. Wakka decided to join him, only he was aiming at Dock 4. They eventually stopped because Maester Mika was coming in at Dock 3 and they were complaining. Yuna and Co went over to see him.

There was a large crowd around Dock 3, but Yuna used her power of popularity to make room for her guardians.

"So what's a Maester?" asked Tydus while they waited.

Wakka answered, "Maesters lead all of Spira. Maester Mika's been at it for over fifty years."

"That's still piddly compared to my one thousand plus years."

"Give it a rest. Look, here he comes!"

But the person who got off the ship did not look to be over 30. "It's the half-Guado Maester Seymour," explained Wakka.

"Isn't that the guy we ki-"

"Shut up, Tydus." Wakka said firmly.

"Hello," said Seymour, addressing the crowd. His voice was calm and soft, but whether it was the underlying malice in his voice, the way he dressed, or the creepy veins and long claws, Tydus was positive that he was evil, and it wasn't just because the guide said so. Seymour continued, "My father, Maester Jyscal Guado, uh, _died_ recently so now I am the Maester of the Guados! And I will do my best to uphold, er, _peace_ and… and _prosperity_. Yes." For good measure, he decided to laugh, "Muah-hahahahahaha!"

"Come on, Wakka! It's so obvious!" said Tydus.

"No, Tydus. Just no."

Then an old geezer, hunched over with age and leaning heavily on a guard, limped off the ship onto Dock 3.

"Hello," Maester Mika said weakly, "I'd say more, but it's time for my nap now." The crowd clapped appreciatively at his short speech. The guard led him through the crowd and away toward the stadium. Tydus was staring openly.

"Well, he's got my vote," said Tydus sarcastically.

"Maesters aren't elected," Lulu said scathingly.

"Doesn't that just take the biscuit!"

"I thought I told you to shut up," said Wakka, "Let's go to our locker room."

When the team got there Wakka said, "Okay, who still doesn't know how to play blitzball? I have some extremely lengthy tutorials on how to play if anyone would like to view them. Letty? Keepa?" He looked pointedly at them.

Letty and Keepa hung their heads sheepishly.

"Tydus?"

"What? I'm a star blitzball player! Why would I not know how to play?"

"Right…"

Then Yuna walked into the room followed by Lulu and Kimahri. She said, "Hey, some people said they saw Sir Auron eating an extra large meat lover's pizza down at the café!"

Tydus jerked up from the bench on which he had been sitting. "Auron?!"

"Yes, we should go try to find him, he may know where Sir Jecht is."

"Great! That's two people I can cross off my list of people to kill!"

"Is killing them something your so called 'guide' said you should be doing?"

"Uh… yes. Yes it is."

"Then let's go!"

Wakka and the rest of the team stayed at the stadium because their match with the Al Bhed Psyches was very soon. Lulu stayed for moral support. Everyone else headed toward the café.

Tydus burst through the doors of the café, ready for murder. Yuna and Kimahri entered to see a very letdown look on Tydus's face.

"He's not here," Tydus said dejectedly.

"Hey, Kimaaaahri," goaded a couple of tough-looking Ronsos standing in a corner of the room.

"…" Kimahri replied, and he walked over to them. Tydus had thought that Kimahri was big, but next to the other two he was quite small. Tydus also noticed that they had complete horns whereas Kimahri's really was broken.

"Yenke and Beeran like to give the distinct impression that Ronsos are barbaric savages akin to orcs, so Yenke and Beeran will address themselves in third person," said Yenke.

"…" Kimahri scoffed.

"Maybe he really is just mute," thought Tydus.

"Your silence offends Beeran," growled Biran.

"We shall fight!" Yenke agreed.

"…" said Kimahri angrily.

Yenke gave Kimahri an upper cut. Then Kimahri hit Biran in the ribs. Fur and fist flew. This continued while Tydus got bored with it and started looking around.

"Hey, Yuna's gone!" he observed.

Kimahri stopped fighting and got socked in the stomach. He limped away to save Yuna from whatever peril might have befallen her, while trying to stop the blood leakage on several parts of his body. Tydus struggled to assist the small, but still large, Ronso out of the café.

"Ah-ha-ha! Kimahri runs away from Yenke and Beeran because he can't handle two giant Ronsos! Ha ha!" Yenke and Biran called after them.

Tydus was not sure exactly where they should look for Yuna, but luckily Lulu arrived to jump-start the plot. "The Al Bhed have kidnapped Yuna and demand that Wakka should throw the game if we want her back!"

"Oh, yeah! The game! How's it going?" asked Tydus.

"The game?! It's going badly, but what's more important is Yuna!"

"I see…" he replied, "Hey! How did we totally miss them kidnapping her?!"

"Yes, this is your fault!"

"Kimahri's the one who put himself ahead of Yuna for a messy bar fight!"

They glared at Kimahri, who was whimpering quietly while holding his guts in with one hand. At this he looked down in shame.

They ran off to the stadium and were heading toward Dock 4 when they were attacked by small robots. They were jerking and shooting sparks everywhere.

"What sorry-looking robots," said Tydus. Then one attacked him. "Ow! What are these?"

"They're machina. The Al Bhed use them," Lulu explained, then used Thunder to kill them all. They had to fight a lot of machina, but they finally reach Dock 4. The Al Bhed ship made an effort to get away, but Tydus, Kimahri, and Lulu were already on board. What they saw did not really surprise them. Yuna was standing amid complete destruction. Al Bhed were lying all over moaning or unconscious, and there was a huge mangled machine leaking oil at one end. Tydus noticed what could only have been Ifrit heading back into the ground. Before the aeon had completely disappeared, a small flame leapt onto the pooling oil. The group heroically grabbed all the bodies and jump off the ship just before it exploded in a 50-foot pillar of flame.

"I think they forgot what summoners summon," Yuna observed. "What are you looking for?"

Tydus was looking around at all the Al Bhed's faces.

"Before Wakka found me I was on an Al Bhed ship. They were really nice and gave me food! But this isn't that ship."

"Was one of them Cid?"

"I don't know. The only one who spoke English was Rikku. After I learned to speak Al Bhed I was thrown off the ship while bravely fighting Sin when it attacked us, so I couldn't get anyone else's name. Why do you want to know?"

"Well, Cid's my uncle, and I haven't seen him in a while. I think I have a cousin named Rikku, but if they were attacked by Sin…"

"You're Al Bhed?"

"_Half_ Al Bhed. Make sure Wakka doesn't find out."

"Speaking of Wakka," said Lulu, "I need to tell him Yuna's safe."

"So he can start trying to win?" asked Tydus.

"So that he might ease up on the beating he's giving the Al Bhed Psyches," Lulu corrected. She sent up a signal.

"I see…"

Back in the locker room the team was celebrating the bizarre phenomenon called victory, and Wakka was limping around with a satisfied grin.

"What's up with your leg, Wakka?" asked Tydus.

"I pulled a muscle when I was kicking one of the Psyches in the face."

"I'm sorry…"

Wakka turned to his team. "Hey, don't get used to winning. You all suck and we have to play the Luca Goers for first place next."

"… yay?" said the Aurochs.

"You're even more likely to fail because I'm not going to be there," Wakka continued. "I have to sit out 'cuz my leg's not doing too well."

Botta looked up hopefully, "Does that mean I'm off the bench?" Several teammates snickered.

"Well, no," said Wakka with an amused grin, "Tydus will be playing in my place."

"Woot!" said Tydus. He looked at his guide and scowled. "Hey! This thing says we're doomed to lose because the Luca Goers are so awesome. It must have been made in Luca!"

The others had stopped listening to these odd comments by now. Yuna, Lulu, and Kimahri left the locker room to find good seats in the stadium. Wakka decided that it was a good time to take a nap. The team made their way to the blitzball sphere. Once inside, the game started. The Aurochs offense downright sucked, and the defense too, actually. Tydus tried to switch to manual, but it was too late, and they lost.

Tydus pressed "restart".

The Aurochs lost again.

Tydus pressed "restart" again.

The Aurochs lost again.

Tydus pressed "restart" again.

The Aurochs lost again.

Tydus pressed "restart" again.

By this time Tydus was beginning to notice a gaping hole in the Goers' brains. When an Auroch back-fielder had the ball and didn't move beyond a certain point the Goers, rather than mob the blitzer, would go back to their positions and start swimming in circles out of boredom. Tydus almost couldn't stop laughing. All he had to do was wait for a chance to do the Jecht Shot, then hide the ball with Jassu or Botta and wait for the time to run out. This he did, and by the time the last buzzer sounded it was 1 to 0 with the Besaid Aurochs as the winners. "Take that, you stupid guide!" thought Tydus.

"Who'da thunk it?" said Bobba the announcer energetically, "We must be in a strong Improbability Field or something because the Aurochs have just won the tournament!"

Jimma added, "What's more, the Luca Goers have lost! How bizarre!"

"Ow!" said Bobba, "I think that Auroch found us!"

Tydus was indeed throwing bricks.

Wakka swam into the blitzball sphere to celebrate with the team. "Ride On Shooting Star" by the Pillows was blasting out of the stadium's speakers.

"Woot! Our victory song!" said Wakka, "'Ride on shooting star! Something da da dum da!' I was made in Japan, why can't I speak Japanese?!"

Tydus threw a brick at him.

The rest of the team got bored and left the sphere pool. The Luca Goers had already left to find their agent and yell at him. Wakka and Tydus were still in the sphere when the music stopped and they could hear screams. The water made things too blurry for them to see what was happening outside.

Their attention was quickly diverted, as fiends were suddenly swimming inside the blitzball sphere. Wakka and Tydus had to fight their way out of the water. When they got out they saw utter chaos. There were various types of fiends all over terrorizing the blitz fans. Tydus spotted someone in red who looked suspiciously familiar…

Auron was standing in one of the aisles in the stands. In front of him was a vicious-looking beast with strong legs and a face that looked like it ran into brick walls as a career. It growled at and generally menaced Auron. Auron just took a pull at his beer keg. The monster made to slash at him, but he dodged then killed it with a mighty swing of his Katana.

Tydus boiled with rage by the time he and Wakka had caught up to the older man. "Auron, you slime!" he started, but he couldn't get any further with his insults because a bigger, winged fiend had attracted his attention. The three would have to fight together! Oh noes!

Unfortunately, that wouldn't work. Wakka used his Dark Attack, so they didn't have to worry about getting hit, but Tydus was using this to go after Auron instead of the fiend. The fiend really did need to be killed, so Auron had to ignore this. Wakka helped by using Dark Attack on Tydus. Auron finally managed to kill the creature but many more fiends were waiting to strike.

Wakka was worried about how they were going to kill all of them. Tydus was thinking about how much he would enjoy killing Auron once the Darkness wore off. Auron was thinking about the nice hot chocolate he had had at Luca's café that morning.

Their attention was diverted once again to the small ceremonial platform at the other side of the stadium by people's gasps and pointing. The blitzball sphere had been drained and they could clearly see Maester Seymour summoning an aeon using only his hands. He looked so calm and smug that for a moment some of Tydus's anger was switched from Auron to Seymour, but Tydus didn't have any particular reason to hate him… yet.

As Maester Seymour finished the summoning, the clear blue sky turned dark red and cloudy. Out of the sky shot a vicious hook, which dove into the ground at the center of the stadium and pulled out a gigantic, terrifying aeon.

It was like a mummy in an open sarcophagus. Chains were hung about it like Christmas decorations and kept its inhuman arms pinned across its front. Around its neck hung a religious symbol that only seemed to add to the horror that was Anima. It let out a ghastly howl that spoke of centuries of pain. Then it set to the task of exterminating every fiend in the stadium. A nasty pressure fell as its one eye glowed with menace and several fiends puffed into pyreflies. The rest followed them like so much popcorn. Then Anima was gone, and Maester Seymour went inside without a word.

"You know," Tydus said conversationally to Wakka, "I think that aeon says something about his personality."

"Tydus," Wakka warned.

They found the rest of the group, but not before Tydus remembered how much he hated Auron. The result was that "Sir" Auron's first impression was that of having a very unkempt lifestyle. Auron decided that he should get Tydus off his back, literally, before he ruined his hair or did anything to concern the group. He walked off, followed by Tydus, with everyone staring after them.

He stopped at the docks. "Hello, Tydus."

"RAWR!" growled Tydus. Auron had to fend off another onslaught from the Brotherhood, which has not been mentioned hitherto, but may be later.

"You are suck a jerk!" said Tydus with mounds of hatred, "All the bad things that have happened to me are your fault! What did I ever do to you?!"

"Well, it's really all Jecht's fault-"

"I _knew_ it!"

"He asked me to fetch you from… Zanarkand, so that you could kill him."

"I'll _kill _him _dead_—Wait, what? That's awesome! But, it strikes me as odd."

"Well, funny thing, me, Braska, and him defeated Sin ten years ago, and now _he's_ Sin. From what he's told me it's really the pits. He wants you to put him out of his misery."

"…" Tydus gaped. "I really hate it when you tell me things."


	8. Clasko Has His Day

Chocobo Song created by Aim 

-------------------------------

Chapter 8 --- Clasko Has His Day 

Yuna and the rest were waiting for Tydus and Auron to return at the beginning of Mi'ihen Highroad. It was a peaceful, grassy plain with ruins scattered about it.

"I guess Tydus knows Sir Auron," said Yuna, "He didn't seem very happy to see him, though..."

They stood there. Kimahri swatted at a butterfly.

"How about that blitzball game?" asked Wakka.

"Very eventful..." replied Yuna.

"You haven't seen the giant trophy we won!" and he pulled a huge clear blue pointy hunk of plastic out of a pocket in his overalls. It was as tall as he was. The group goggled at its shimmering beauty.

"How in the world did that fit in your pocket dimension?"

"Extra large executive level PD," he said proudly. They glared at him.

"Weren't you supposed to leave that with your team?" Lulu raised an eyebrow.

"They're all losers! This trophy doesn't belong to them!"

Lulu shook her head. "Speaking of losers..." she said as she noticed Auron dragging Tydus toward them.

"Hello, Sir Auron!" said Yuna, ignoring Lulu.

"Don't call me that," said Auron.

"My apologies, Sir Auron," se said with a bowed head. Auron sighed.

"Since Tydus here needs to get at Sin anyway, I am offering to be your guardian, along with Tydus, of course."

"What?!" exclaimed Tydus, "I thought we already discussed this! I'm done following in my father's footsteps!"

"Oh, dear," sighed Yuna, "This is not a happy arrangement. But what Auron says, goes! Come on, Tydus! To Dijose temple!"

"I wanna go back to Luca," Tydus pouted. At least Luca had blitzball.

"You really have to get over your father," said Yuna.

"It's not just my old man, it's _him_," he said vehemently, pointing an accusing finger at Auron. Auron shrugged. "He's such a _jerk_! I mean, look at him! Look!"

"Crybaby," said Auron.

"Arg!" Tydus yelled in frustration, and he stormed off down Mi'ihen Highroad.

"What was that about?" Yuna asked, but Auron had started walking as well. She sighed and followed them, as did the rest. As they walked they were, of course, attacked by fiends. The most annoying of which was a one-eyed bat thing that would make one of them confused. Once confused, they would attack themselves and each other. Tydus thought it was incredibly funny until Auron tried to take a chunk out of him. Fortunately, a blitzball to the face would bring the bat down. Wakka's turn to shine.

According to Tydus's guide, starting now everyone along the road would be extremely nice and give all sorts of goodies to them. He talked to everyone and acquired various helpful things. One even gave him an exotic plant. But he had to wonder...

"Hey, are all these people on the road getting attacked by fiends, or is it just us?" he asked, "'Cuz I can't believe that little girl back there could fight a Dual Horn."

"I'm sure she manages," said Lulu distractedly.

"What about that old man over there?" Tydus pointed at a hunched man wearing a tall green hat who was walking around aimlessly. Upon being noticed, he hobbled over to them.

"Hello! My name is Maechen, the scholar," he said pleasantly.

"Hello," Tydus said, "We-"

"We are all mudpuppies! Mudpuppies, I tell you!" he ranted, waving his arms hysterically. Then he ran away as if fending off a mob of angry seagulls, jumped into a ruined building, and looked out from behind a crumbling wall with shifty eyes. The group stared, but the old man didn't move at all, except for his eyes, which continued to flick back and forth suspiciously.

"Okay..." said Tydus, and they started walking again, but before he went one step there was a fiend attack. "Fsck! I hate it when that happens!" he said. After another battle thr group spotted several chocobos being ridden by two women and a man in armor a ways down the road.

"Probably slave chocobos leading a large group of as of yet unseen slave chocobos to the factories to work 25 hours a day with just a biscuit for breakfast!" thought Tydus. He was on the first syllables of "Chocobo Eater" when everyone clunked him on the head with their various weapons. Tydus rubbed his poor head. "Owie."

"Hello!" Yuna called to the riders who were staring at the bizarre people who beat up on the foreigner in their group.

"Howdy!" replied the lead rider. She waited until the strange group got closer, the said, "We are the Chocobo Knights. My name is Lucil."

"I'm-" started the man.

"And I'm Elma," added the other woman.

"My name's-"

"I'm Yuna, and these are my many, many guardians, who are all slightly defective in their own special way."

"I never agreed to that!" protested the foreign boy, "And you three, let the chocobos go! You think they're things made to do your bidding, but they have feelings too!"

"Actually-" the man on the chocobo tried again.

"They're beasts meant for labor, boy, get over it!" interupted Elma.

Tydus screamed, "You're the beast!" He charged at her, but Auron grabbed him by the hood of his strange jacket. "Grrr!" he growled menacingly.

"Well, we'll be off helping the Crusaders in their secret mission, good luck on your pilgrimage," Lucil said hastily.

"So, what's the mission?" Yuna asked slyly.

"Secret."

"Well, yes, but what will you be doing?"

"Oh, why, we're the ground forces in a big attempt to destroy Sin forever. The Crusaders are organizing the whole thing. First they get a ton of sinspawn in one place and have them call for a cab, then when Sin comes to pick them up the Crusaders blast its ass with the cannon machina until the Al Bhed are ready to use the big machina. Hopefully, the constant barrage will do something good for us and we'll go from there."

As she was saying this, a look of supreme hatred was forming on Wakka's face. Before he could rain punishment down on these knights who were plotting with the Al Bhed, Auron grabbed him by the back of his yellow shirt thing with his free hand. He was like some sort of blitzball player leash.

Yuna was stunned. "What about the Final Summoning?"

"You know that doesn't work, right?"

Yuna hung her head in saddness. The Knights were getting uneasy. In spite of Auron's annoyingly superior strength he was starting to lose his grip on Tydus now that he had to hold onto Wakka too. They decided it would be a good time to leave. When they were out of sight Tydus and Wakka stopped struggling and Auron let them go. Lulu shook her head. Kimahri had almost caught a butterfly once, but it had otherwise eluded him.

A little further on they saw a woman standing by some ruins. She had a very strange yellow hat, if it could be called a hat. It was on her head, anyway. She was watching them approach with dull eyes. "Greetings, summoner. I am the mysterious Summoner Belgemine. I would test your aeon skills, but let's just assume you win. Here's a ring! Buck up!" She thumped hard Yuna on the back while handing her a ring made out of a paperclip.

"Wha--?"

"Go on. I have a dentist appointment to get to," and she nudged Yuna onward.

Yuna continued stuttering helplessly, but Tydus, who was used to weird things, took it in stride. He thanked the peculiar lady then led the baffled Yuna away, and the rest of the group followed.

Eventually, they could see a colorful building in a clearing on the road. Many happy chocobos were frolicking around a sign near the building that read: DANGER! CHOCOBO EATER! It is important to note that chocobos can't read. Unfortunately, Wakka could read, and he read the sign over the building: The Al Bhed Inn (No Wakka).

"Dirty, rotten Al Bhed! They're showing up everywhere!" Wakka muttered, then continued muttering incoherently in a low hiss.

"We'll rest here," said Auron.

"Yes, sir, Mr. Boss, sir!" Tydus said sarcastically, and stood at mock attention.

"Let's get inside before Tydus tries to scatter the c-h-o-c-o-b-o's," Lulu suggested.

"I can spell, too, you know."

"I do now."

"Wakka, would you shut up!" yelled Tydus. Wakka stopped muttering to glare at the inn.

"Well, I can see everyone's getting cranky without their sleep," Yuna teased, "Let's get you all tucked in, then."

Wakka glared at her, then at everyone else in turn, then left to find a nice patch of grass to sleep in. Everyone else went inside where they rested in fluffy manufactured Al Bhed beds.

In the morning there was someone new in the lobby. This man was tan with long blonde hair. "What a badly dressed dork," thought Tydus.

"-Hello, my name is Rin-," said Rin.

"-Hello-!" replied Tydus, "Can we talk in English, I'm afraid Wakka might overhear."

"Wakka? You are with him? Then I guess I don't have to explain the sign. This is my inn, you see."

"Ah, well we won't be here long. Stupid Auron will probably come in any moment and say-"

Suddenly Auron burst into the room, "Tydus, let's go!"

"Arg, whatever," Tydus said to him, then rolled his eyes at Rin and moped off. Outside there were chocobos running everywhere. "Suspicious..." Tydus thought.

"Aiiiieee!" screamed someone, "Chocobo Eater!"

"Hey, that's my line!" said Tydus, then he noticed the Chocobo Eater. His initial fear was overcome by his feeling for the oversized yellow birds. "For the chocobos!" he yelled, and confronted the freakish monster. It had a purple head with two short feet sticking out of the bottom. The huge hands were on long powerful arms, which connected to the sides of his head. The front of the head was the worst. Two beady eyes shined above an enormous gaping mouth lined with dripping teeth. It had two tongues and most closely resembled a meat grinder.

"How dare you eat cute creatures!" Tydus scolded.

"Sheep," the Chocobo Eater rumbled. Everyone laughed at Tydus, who hated veal, anyway.

"Kill it!" said Tydus. They hit it with everything they had, and were almost pushed over a cliff, but Tydus really wanted those Level 1 Key Spheres the guide had promised him. So they pulled out more whoop-ass and drove the beast over the opposite ledge. "That'll teach you to be so incredibly ugly, I mean, eat chocobos!"

"Thank you so much for saving the chocobos," said Rin, who was using a bullhorn because he was on the roof hiding behind the inn's sign.

"You're welcome!" Yuna shouted back.

"Hey, how about you come down here so I can shake your hand!" called Wakka, "And by 'shake your hand' I mean 'cut your head off with a rusty spoon!'"

"I have a restraining order, Wakka!" Rin blasted out of his bullhorn.

Wakka shrugged and started walking down the second stretch of the Mi'ihen Highroad.

Along the way they met many more people, including, strangely enough, Maechen. He did not even pretend to be sane. He was in a trashcan shouting something about an evil ring that must be destroyed.

Another person was complaining about a bright billboard sticking out of a small hill for all on the road to see. It was an advertisement for Luca Cafe's hot chocolate.

"I don't see any problems," said Auron.

Eventually they were overtaken by the Chocobo Knights they had met earlier. Lucil and Elma were singing a song to pass the time. Tydus could clearly here the lyrics:

"Chocobos are good to eat,

Big and yellow you cut off their feet,

Boil them in pots and pans,

Eat them sloppy with your hands!"

Tydus shook with rage, but sadly there was now way he could catch up with the intention of hacking the Knights to pieces. He made a mental note to kill them later. As they continued walking they saw a loud argument break out between a Crusader and a young woman wearing a green... hat? It was more of a hat than Belgemine's, at least. "The caveman would win!" she yelled at the Crusader.

"The astronaut!" he yelled back.

"Just leave, you heathen! You'll see your astronaut buddies in Hell!"

The Crusader stormed off. The group cautiously approached the woman, who was huffing loudly. "Oh, hello," she said calmly when she saw them, "My name is Shelinda. I am a priestess of Yevon."

"Hello," said Yuna, and she introduced the group.

"You seem to have an awful lot of clothes for a priestess," Tydus remarked. All women present (and all the men, too, actually) were speechless. Tydus ignored them and continued: "It's just that in this picture Yunalesca appears to be wearing no clothes at all, and she's like a _high_ priestess or something—and I'm shutting up now…"

"What was that argument with the Crusader about?" Lulu asked.

"Ah, well, if an astronaut and a caveman fought to the death, who would win?"

"... Does the astronaut get weapons?" said Tydus.

"No."

"Well, then what makes him an astronaut? I mean, if he doesn't have huge laser cannons or plasma shields then all he is is a guy in a big restricting suit. Though, that might actually act as armor and prevent the caveman from harming him. In fact, the big white suit and creepy black face cover might just scare the cave man off entirely!"

"You sacrilegious pig!" She stormed off as well.

"Tydus: one, Shelinda: zero!"

The rest of the group sighed or shook their heads. Kimahri was glaring at the butterfly and puffing hard from his exertions to catch it. They picked up their feet and finally reached the gate that separated Mi'ihen Highroad and Mushroom Rock. Beyond that was Dijose Highroad, and then the temple. What they saw at the gate confirmed what Lucil had said when she was spilling the beans on the Crusaders. There were cages on the side of the road containing pissed-off sinspawn, and Crusaders and Chocobo Knights were milling around. Luzzu and Gatta were hanging around some of the cages to the right of the road.

"Hello, Wakka!" said Luzzu, waving, "It's my fault Chappu died! I'm going to hide in a bomb shelter now!" He ran off into the distance. Fortunately, the suddenness with which Luzzu presented the information totally blew Wakka over, literally, so he didn't know which way Luzzu had gone when he got up. The look on his face was such doom that Tydus laughed. Lulu sighed. Gatta, who had no idea that Luzzu was going to do that, looked around nervously, gave an edgy smile, and joined Luzzu in running off. The group stood there for a while. Then they remembered what they were supposed to be doing.

When they went to the gate a guard stopped them. "No admittance, sorry"

"But I am a summoner!"

"Oh yes," he said, laughing, "Good luck on your pilgrimage!" He seemed to think it was a big joke.

"Could you move, please?"

"No admittance!"

"Poo on you!" Yuna turned around to walk away contemptuously, but instead ran into Seymour. The top of her head reached his collarbone. "You smell like farm animals."

Seymour bent his head down. "And you smell like shampoo."

"Oh! Very sorry, sir!" Yuna said and bowed her head low. She hit it on a large rock. "Owie," she mumbled.

"Maester Seymour, sir!" said a Crusader, running up to salute, "The command center is this way." He started to lead Seymour through the gate, but Seymour turned to talk to Yuna and her guardians.

"If you guys would like to come along, it's gonna be pretty exciting, and totally safe," he offered. "It's called Operation Mi'ihen. Don't get me wrong, I'm not supporting them, I'm just in for the show. Besides, it's not like the Final Summoning really works."

"Arg," said Yuna, "I'll go, but only because it will allow me to continue my pilgrimage!"

"Good! Come when you're ready!" He followed the guard through the gate to Mushroom Rock.

When he was gone Tydus asked, "Why's it called Operation Mi'ihen if it's taking place in Mushroom Rock?"

"Well, if Maechen hadn't been a raving loon he could have told you that Mi'ihen was actually a person and that he was the founder of the Crusaders, not just a road," said Lulu.

"So his parents named him after a road?"

Lulu ignored him and they headed toward the command post. Many people they talked to habitually dumped their problems on passerbys, most of these problems seemed centered around a few priests from Dijose who had walked around telling everyone to stop Operation Mi'ihen or die. They apparently took the priests' threats seriously. Tydus thought priests were wusses, but Wakka knew better. Oh, yes, he knew…

The Mushroom Rock path was filled with even more fiendish fiends than before, and they were all carrying lots of Gil. Tydus blew all the money on a brick that had supposedly been thrown by Yevon himself from Oaka's up and running shop. Finally, they arrived at the soon-to-be battlefield. There was a small bay surrounded by a beach where many Crusaders and Chocobo Knights were milling about the playing strip poker or Freeze Tag. Wakka could see that Luzzu and Gatta had chosen to hide there, but could not find a way to get down to them. A short way beyond the beach rose tall cliffs and on the tops of these Al Bhed were helping other Crusaders set up the cannons, which looked like they were straight out of an archeological dig. At one edge of the bay stood a monstrous heap of pointy machina crawling with Al Bhed. In the center of the cliffs was a big cage being stuffed with sinspawn.

"Wowee," said Tydus.

"So... SACRILEGIOUS! RAWR!" Wakka bellowed, shaking with rage. He started with the cannons, trying to beat them to crumbling bits, but they had lasted a millennium and weren't about to give up now, so Wakka turned on the Al Bhed who were maintaining them. The Al Bhed scattered like cockroaches dumped into the light.

"Wakka! Don't make us throw you in the sinspawn cage!" warned Tydus. Wakka considered this, then sulked back to the group.

"Auron!" called a short chubby man. He closely resembled Buddha. "How's life?"

"Hello, Kinoc," Auron said. He did not look happy to see him.

"It's Maester Kinoc now!" Kinoc said cheerily.

"Oh, Lord." Auron did not try to hide his displeasure.

"I run the military of Yevon!"

"This place really went to hell while I was gone."

"Harsh," said Kinoc, still smiling. "So, you are all probably wondering why Maester Seymour and I are hanging around here, yeah?"

"Very much, ya," said Wakka. Auron huffed and wandered off to intimidate soldiers.

"Basically, we're just letting them do what they want, then when it doesn't work they'll have learned their lesson and come crawling back to us. Then we will graciously accept their apologies and they'll stop trying to defy Yevon!"

"And what if they succeed in defeating Sin?" asked Tydus, earning another glare from Wakka.

"Then Sin's gone! And at no expense of ours. It's a win-win situation!"

"What a sensible and astronaut-like response," Tydus noted. Wakka could not decide which of them he was more aggravated by so he settled on joining Kimahri in his new mission to kill the butterfly. "I am disturbed, though," Tydus continued, "that a Maester would think like that. You should be worse than Wakka but you're almost neutral."

"Yes, well, about that... Look! It's a three-legged armadillo!" Kinoc pointed to somewhere behind them. They all turned to see some Al Bhed instructing Crusaders on the ways of cannons.

"There's no armadillo, three-legged or otherwise," said Tydus, turning back to face Kinoc, but the small and yet large man had started running toward the command center. "I don't think he even knows what an armadillo is," Tydus said, frowning.

"Someone's shouting on the beach!" said Yuna.

"Is... Sin... here?" asked Wakka, exhausted from trying to get at the butterfly.

"No, I think they're saying... 'Chocobo!'" Everyone looked at Tydus.

"Yes? What?" Tydus asked, looking like a guilty person who was trying to look innocent, though he really hadn't done anything in the first place. They looked over the cliff. On the beach things had gone crazy. The Crusaders and Knights had been peacefully playing camp games when all of a sudden all the chocobos had pulled off their saddles and ripped their reins off the posts. They ran about warking their heads off and stomping on people. There was only one human on the beach who was not cowering in fear. He was standing on a boulder near the cliffs with a look of great satisfaction.

"It's that guy who was with the Knights we met!" said Tydus.

"Clasko!" the man called to them.

"Right..." Tydus watched the rampaging chocobos. "Way to go, Clasko!"

"Run chocobos, be free!" yelled Clasko. The yellow mob was progressively moving toward the one path leading out of the enclosed beach. What they left behind was a horrible wreck of a beach covered in heavily bruised people. Clasko had grabbed a ride bareback on a chocobo near the rear of the herd, which was already out of sight. There were a few chocobos who felt they were above rioting and had not left, but none of the humans felt much like trying to put their saddles back on.

Tydus was laughing with joy. Everyone else was either glaring at him or gazing at the beach in horror. "What? It's not like anyone died. That'll teach them to be mean to chocobos!"

Then someone screamed again. "What's it this time?" Wakka asked.

"Why don't you look," Lulu suggested, gesturing out to sea. When he did look he saw the characteristic protective bubble of Sin rising out of the water in the center of the bay. Instantly people started firing their cannons. The bubble became covered in smoke and fire. Pieces of shrapnel from cannon balls flew everywhere, and one in particular flew Luzzu's way.

Sin released sinscales, which engaged the Crusaders and chocobo-less Knights in battle in the surf. For some reason, probably to piss off Tydus, Sin shot are particularly nasty sinspawn at him and his buddies. Sinspawn Gui was a giant... thing. It didn't resemble any animal in existence, which should give a good idea of what it _did_ look like. Tydus's guide suggested that he start with the head, which was quite ugly so it was his pleasure to comply. He casted Haste on Lulu so she could reach it. A few Firas later the head did not disappear, but it did become gray and insignificant.

"Shouldn't it be dead now?" Tydus asked, "If someone whacked my head into oblivion I certainly wouldn't still be moving." But it did move, quite vigorously, and it could still inflict damage. Yuna was very busy making sure no one died, but eventually Auron reached his overdrive and cut Gui to itty-bitty bits.

By this time the Al Bhed had finished preparing the giant laser on the edge of the bay. Its two long spines stuck out and danced with electricity. Then it focused and shot at the bubble around Sin.

"ZOT!" said the laser. It worked to push through the bubble. A big dimple formed, and got bigger and deeper until the most deafening pop ever was heard. But, of course, the shards of the broken shield flew outward, blowing up every piece of machina and killing many people. Sin staggered. "Probably drunk again," Tydus thought. Sin righted itself, leered at Tydus, and started swimming away.

"Yeah, you better run away, you jerk!" Tydus taunted.

"You honestly don't fell bad about what you're supposed to do?" Auron asked, slightly shocked.

"The only thing sad about it is that it's true."

Sin could hear all this and turned around to leave a parting explosion before continuing to exit. The entire group was temporarily turned into frogs. The first one to recover was Yuna. She became her normal self with a soft pop. As she looked around she saw that Sinspawn Gui was back. Seymour was batting at it with his own sinister-looking stave.

"I'll save you, Seymour!" said Yuna. She ran into the battle.

"What? What can you do that I can't do better?"

"More turns in battle," she reminded him. Shortly after they heard a distant pop and Auron joined the fight. He was thinking that Tydus might have the right idea about Jecht.

"Honestly, I'm a Maester! I don't need your help!"

"Fine then." Yuna crossed her arms and stood there. Neither she nor Auron did anything to help and Seymour was forced to spend most of his turns healing everyone. Inevitably he reached his overdrive, and, in a much greater display than Auron could ever manage, utterly destroyed Gui.

"Well, I hope you're happy," he huffed at Yuna. Yuna grinned evilly.

Behind them they heard another pop and then a shout. "Old man, you will DIE!"

"That's the spirit, Tydus," Auron called to him. A frog with a butterfly idly perched on it suddenly became Kimahri, then another revealed Wakka, and the last one popped into Lulu. They all went down to the beach to look for goodies to steal from the dead. What they found was Gatta. He was very distressed.

"Luzzu's dead!" he said, "He was cut exactly in half! The evil!"

"Well, good thing he died now, because I would never have relented in administering punishment on him," said Wakka. This didn't seem to comfort Gatta very much.

"Um, let's go to Dijose now..." Yuna suggested. This they did.

------------------------------------------

This chapter was originally chs 9 and 10! I was previously sticking strictly to the divisions of chapters the guide used, but I'm bending it a little in some cases.


	9. Biscuits

Chapter 9 --- Biscuits

And so, the de-frogged group started down Dijose Highroad. There were Crusaders and Knights here as there had been at Mushroom Rock, but now, as Kinoc had predicted, they were extremely sorry and were running back to Yevon with their tails between their legs. Equally typical was the righteous way in which the priests forgave them. They were walking around healing people and saying things like, "They were wrong, but they can't help it if they're stupid. They're sorry, and since Yevon is such a nice guy, we'll let them come back."

What was more annoying than the priests saying condescending I-told-you-so's were the random fiend attacks. A notable new one was the Basilisk. It looked like a cross between a snake and a praying mantis. "It would be cute if it didn't constantly try to petrify people," Yuna thought as she used Ensuna on Wakka for the seventeenth time. Then the Basilisk petrified her and the group had to use a precious Remedy because Tydus was too cheap to buy any Soft. "That's it!" she said when she became her mushy self again, "Valefor! Come down here and kick this thing's ass!"

Valefor unceremoniously trudged in. "What's that about?" Yuna asked, "Are you feeling well?"

"Oh, I put the aeons' introductions on short," explained Tydus, "It gets boring after a while."

"I see… Well, if you're not sick then fight!"

Because aeons are immune to every possible harmful status change, the Basilisk was utterly helpless as Valefor pecked it to death.

"Yay!" said everyone. Valefor did a jig, then flew off.

Eventually they reached a fork in the road. A sign at the split told them that to the left was the Moonflow and to the right was the Super Awesome Holy Temple of Yevon: Dijose. This part of the sign was beautifully carved and painted, with pyre flies strung about it and blinking like Christmas lights.

"They don't really have a village here, so they have to try hard to get anyone to come," Yuna explained, seeing Tydus's face.

"I see…" said Tydus. They turned right and headed for Dijose. Auron didn't move.

"Hey, runt!"

Tydus went stiff. He turned around and said smoothly, "I do not know who "Runt" is, but if you want me, my name is Tydus."

"Whatever. Look, no one else needs to know about Jecht. The mission will get complicated. Their feelings might get hurt."

"Did _I_ really need to know?"

"No, I just like being mean, but if you want to cry about it…"

"Deathhhh," Tydus rasped, wiggling his fingers menacingly at Auron. They walked briskly to find the group talking with the Chocobo Knights they had met on the Mi'ihen Highroad, without Clasko or their chocobos, of course.

"Well, well, don't you guys look pathetic!" said Tydus. Lucil and Elma glared at him. "You know, you were really asking for it. And that song!" He said the last sentence with particular hatred.

"No need to kick us when we're down!" The two Knights stalked off.

"Tydus, no more picking on Chocobo Knights," Yuna scolded.

"Chocobo-_less_ Knights," Tydus reminded her. He was once again glared at.

The temple, as it turned out, was an unattractive pile of rocks with a door. Tydus was unimpressed. "It does this really nifty lightning thing when a summoner is praying to a fayth for their aeon, but I guess no one's in there right now," Yuna said. Just then two men and a boy walked out of the temple. The lead man looked up at the temple, noticing its stationary attitude, then looked at Yuna and her guardians.

"Sorry, you must have just missed the show!" he called.

"You must be a summoner! My name in Yuna."

"You're Braska's daughter?"

Tydus cut in. "One more word about how great her father was and bricks will _rain_ on you!"

"Um… excuse me then. My name is Isaaru. These are my brothers." Isaaru gestured at the two accompanying him. "Moroda is acting as my guardian, and I'm not quite sure why Pacce's here."

"Because I am annoying!" the boy said annoyingly. He started hopping around the small congregation in a very annoying manner.

"Oh, yeah…" said Isaaru, "Wait, that's a stupid reason."

"Before we get sidetracked anymore," Auron interrupted, "How about going to the temple!"

"Right away, Boss!" Tydus snapped to mock attention again.

"Darn tooting I'm your boss, now run 50 laps around the temple!"

"No thanks." Tydus ran inside the temple. Auron decided to whack him on the head later.

"See you around," Yuna said gloomily to Isaaru as their groups headed in opposite directions.

"Finally, we're in--" Before Tydus could finish saying "inside" they were just that, and he noticed what was also inside. In the center and around the edges of the room metal spines jutted out of the floor. They spat sparks everywhere, but provided a wavering electric glow by which the priests of the Dijose temple were praying. Suddenly, a small bit of orange light sprouted in one corner of the room. There was a small shout, then someone called, "Get the fire extinguisher! Tep is on fire again!"

"Iiieee!" Tep added. He was shortly put out and back to praying. Tydus decided not to comment.

"Sooo, let's go to the Cloister," Lulu promted.

"Yes! My first legal trip into a Cloister of Trials!" Tydus cheered loudly. Several priests looked at him suspiciously, but before they could ask him what that was supposed to mean Tydus ran into the Cloister with the others close behind them. "I'll lead this little charade!" Tydus proclaimed once inside, and flipped out his invisible guide.

"Oh, no, he's doing it again," said Wakka, seeing the unusual hand movements and intent look on Tydus's face. "Hey, Tydus!" He threw his blitz ball at him to get his attention. "None of that, now!"

"Fine, no guide! And no help from me, either!" Five hours and fourteen attempts later they had made it to the end of the trials.

"See, guys?" said Wakka, "Just had to get over that unlucky thirteen." The group mumbled uncertainly. Lulu was looking quite tired. Tydus wondered if the numerous belts were causing the problem, but it could have been that the overall awkwardness of her dress was the reason for her exhaustion. Yuna hurried into the back chamber.

"Oh look, the riffraff beat us here," said an unpleasant voice. Dona, Bitch of the Century, strutted in, followed by Bruno.

"You only put people down to hide your own imperfections and insecurity, you sad, sad person," said Tydus. Dona burst out in tears while everyone stared, though Kimahri was staring at the butterfly with hatred, and, curiously, Bruno was staring at Auron in disbelief.

"What?" Auron asked rudely.

"Are you Sir Auron?" Bruno's eyes shown with excitement.

"No."

"But-"

Auron puffed a few pyre flies at Bruno in disdain while everyone was still watching Dona make a scene. Bruno started to cry again. Both of them finally made their way out of the room, still sniffing. Shortly afterward, Yuna came out of the back room.

"What's with all the weird faces?" she asked, looking around.

"Hey, did you get your aeon?" asked Wakka, avoiding her question.

"Yes, want to see it?" She summoned the most prissy aeon in existence. "The fayth offered me tea and biscuits. Did you know that biscuits are cookies?"

"What a world," Tydus replied distractedly. He was thinking of a fitting name for this sad beast. "I know! Your name will be Prissy!"

The aeon snorted in displeasure.

"I have spoken, so shall it be!" Tydus said firmly, then quickly clapped his hands twice and held them up as if in surrender. Thus the aeon's name was, indeed, Prissy. It snorted again and left.

"Now we go to Guadosalam via the Moonflow!" said Yuna excitedly.

"Wait, Guadosalam?" Tydus raised an eyebrow and flipped through his guide. "Isn't that where Seymour is?" He paused, reading. "Wow, he's creepy! He's crazy for you, Yuna."

"How is that creepy?" She glared at him.

"What I meant by creepy was his general manner!" Tydus stammered. "And that it would be uncool to marry him!"

"Stop while you're ahead, Tydus, or at least only slightly behind," suggested Wakka.

Tydus put his guide away again, but he refused to give up. "If I would get one Gil for every time I'm going to say 'I told you so' I would be sure to say it quite often," Tydus thought.

The group retraced their steps until they reached the split in the road again. They turned right again, thus making their way to Moonflow. Tydus couldn't help noticing that the very first fiend that attacked them looked exactly like a miniature Ochu.

"Booga, boogabooga!" it squeaked.

"It's a baby Ochu!" Yuna said in delight, "How cute!"

"Woot! Let's kill it!" said Tydus, waving his sword. This they did, but not without half of them getting poisoned. "What's with this green star burst above my head?" Tydus asked, "It makes me look drunk."

To their further, er, delight, the path seemed to be absolutely full of baby Ochus, and the group burned and hacked there way along the path to Moonflow. Everyone they met as they journeyed warned them of summoners who were disappearing.

"Maybe they got eaten!" Tydus suggested.

"How could all the fiends suddenly develop a taste for summoners?" said Lulu.

"Do we taste good?" Yuna asked timidly.

"Well, you have five guardians for them to get past first, and I doubt any of the smart ones think you taste _that_ good," said Tydus.

"No, that's just how much we suck," Lulu said with a smirk.

Tydus blew raspberries at her. She threw her doll at his head.

"Squeak!" went the Moogle.

"Ha! Didn't hurt!"

"It was a Venom Moogle, see?" She pointed at the poison symbol over his head.

"Damnit!"

Yuna sighed and casted Ensuna on Tydus, and they finally made it to Moonflow just as the sun was setting. The Moonflow was a gently moving river bordered by lilies and pyreflies in the shallows. The pyreflies were having a water fight and some of the splashing hit the group. Tydus kicked water back at them, but due to being ten times larger he almost drowned several of them.

"Whoops."

Moving on, they quickly reached the dock where they would cross the Moonflow. The first thing they saw was-

"Tydus, over here!" Auron yanked Tydus behind a tree before he could get more than a glimpse of the huge thing standing at the dock.

"What?!" Tydus yelled at him, quite ruffled from the yanking.

"That thing you saw was a shoopuf," he hissed in an urgent whisper, "It is not, I repeat, _not_ a fiend and thus you should not attack it."

"I only attack things in battle, why would I attack a, um…"

"Shoopuf. I'm telling you this because when Braska and I brought Jecht here he was drunk out of his mind and attacked the shoopuf. You're not an alcoholic, to my knowledge, but you never know…"

"I'm not that stupid, or that drunk!" Tydus demanded.

"Just making sure. Shoopuf medical care is expensive." This being said, Auron led Tydus back to the dock, and after playing a mini-game called "Merchant Dodger," the group caught a ride on a shoopuf. The shoopuf was basically an aquatic elephant with a small carrier on its back where people sat. The problem was that some parts of the river were too deep for the shoopuf to keep the carrier above the water, and several times the water ended up inside the carrier with the passengers. They were quite wet by the time they reached the halfway point. Because of this the irritable group was taken completely by surprise when a pair of Al Bhed jumped into the carrier, grabbed Yuna, and jumped back into the river.

"Iiieeee!" Tydus screamed sarcastically, "Sin!"

"Oh shut up," Wakka scolded, "Let's go get Yuna."

They both jumped into the river and looked around for Yuna. What they found was, unsurprisingly, a giant piece of machina. It greatly resembled the blitz ball machina they didn't fight in Luca. It had a bubble on top in which Yuna was standing.

"Don't worry about hurting me, just get the Extractor!" she said.

Tydus stopped in mid-swing. "What? Oh, yeah, we might hit Yuna."

"She did say not to worry," Wakka pointed out.

"Oh yeah." Tydus finished his swing.

"Ooof!" said Yuna as the Extractor shook. "Idiots," she muttered.

"Sorry!" Tydus called.

Eventually, a very shaken Yuna was released from the dead grip of the machina. Once back on the shoopuf they were not much wetter than when they had started.

I should have know the evil Al Bhed were behind the summoners disappearing," said Wakka.

"They didn't seem that tough," Tydus said, "Do all the other guardians suck that much?"

"Well, not everyone has five guardians," said Wakka.

"Oh, no. There weren't _five _people down there fighting." Tydus looked around accusingly at the ones who had stayed on the shoopuf. "You lazy bums didn't lift a finger to help!"

"Eh." Auron shrugged.

"Not everyone's a blitz ball player," said Lulu.

Kimahri, of course, said nothing.

They finally made it to the other shore. Most of the group was drying themselves off with complimentary towels, but the blitzers had the unique ability to become suddenly dry. Wakka stood there, patiently waiting, but the uppity young Tydus decided, "I'm going to conveniently run ahead!" which he then did.

There was still a short path before Guadosalam that led along the Moonflow for a while. Tydus stopped at a small shore. There was a dead body lying in the dirt. "How bizarre," thought Tydus. He went to find a stick to poke it with, but before he could take a step, the corpse made a move.

"Blarg," muttered the dead thing. It struggled to its feet. It was wearing a body suit that looked oddly familiar. Noticing him noticing this, the carcass promptly shed the rubbery covering to reveal green short shorts, an orange shirt, arm coverings that ended with blades at the hands, and a face that was definitely familiar.

"Rikku! What the heck?!"

"Hello!" said Rikku.

"Um, hi, it's nice to see you made it out of that Sin attack, but why were you laying like road kill on the shore of the Moonflow?"

"You should know, you were the one who beat me up!"

"You were in the Extractor?! What did you mean by going after Yuna?"

"I would tell you, but whoops, here comes your group!"

"Ack! Hide! Wakka's with them!"

"No problem." Rikku struck a pose. "Poof! Instant Yevon!"

"I see…" Rikku hadn't changed at all, but Tydus supposed it didn't matter.

"Yo!" Wakka called from the down the path. As he and the group got closer he noticed Rikku. "Who's the girl?"

"My name's Rikku. I _love_ Yevon!"

"I'm satisfied," declared Wakka. He wandered away.

"Rikku, you are definitely Al Bhed," Auron said quietly.

"How could you tell?"

"That was a horrible act. Also, your eyes are extremely peculiar."

"Oh yeah."

"Here, you can borrow my extra pair of sunglasses." Auron handed her a small pair of dark glasses that looked exactly like Auron's.

"Uh, thanks."

When Wakka came back the first thing he noticed was that Auron and Rikku both had the same sunglasses on. Rikku looked at him innocently.

"Rikku's my cousin," Yuna explained, "She's going to join our group as another guardian."

"Why?"

"Because I currently have nothing better to do."

"Whatever."

"To Guadosalam!" Yuna said, and the unusually large group started off.

"And Seymour," mumbled Tydus.

"I heard that," Wakka hissed at him.

They had a few more random encounters before they reached the fiend-free land of the Guados. In the first of these battles Tydus found out that Rikku had the exact stats as when he had first met her, and while impressive at the time, were really pathetic now. A saving factor was her powerful overdrive. She grabbed a Power Sphere and Tydus's map and created a Pineapple, which she then chucked at a particularly ugly fiend and annihilated it in a way that only tropical fruit can.

"My map!" Tydus said mournfully.

"Get over it," said Lulu, "Look, there's the entrance to Guadosalam."


	10. A Curious Interlude

Chapter 10 --- A Curious Interlude

The group was standing on a flat plain of what might have been blue stone. All of the ground was carved with lines and round bumps. The guys were spread out in an area of the stone that glowed slightly. Behind Tydus, Auron, Wakka, Lulu, Yuna, and Kimahri stretched long lines that glowed in various bright colors. Rikku was just a small patch of green. Kimahri's dark blue line was overlapping Tydus's light blue one.

"Hey, Kimahri! You're cramping my style!" Tydus called to him. He saw Kimahri shrug in the dim light.

Lulu was looking at the round bumps in the stone. "Ack! Ultima is surrounded by ungodly amounts of Level 4 Locks! And why is it in Kimahri's section?"

"Ha!" said Yuna, "Holy's just sitting out there at the end of my path!" She blew raspberries at Lulu.

"I want my Zombie Attack," Auron whined, "By the time I reach it everything will be immune to it."

"I want waffles!" Tydus said brightly, "I have spoken, so shall it be!" He clapped his hands and raised them again. The rest of the group stared. A plate with several fluffy Belgium waffles covered in sweet syrup and topped with a fat slab of butter suddenly appeared in front of Tydus.

"Woot!" he said, and started eating.

"I want to know how he does that," mumbled Yuna to the rest.

"What have I gotten myself into," Rikku said wonderingly.


	11. Seymour the Obviously Evil

"Little Shop, Little Shop of Horrors!"

-------------------------------------

Chapter 11 --- Seymour the Obviously Evil

Back in the "real world", Yuna and her six guardians had made it into Guadosalam. It looked like a city of caves and caverns made out of the trunks, roots, and branches of giant petrified trees. It was lit like a cloudy day, with the sources of light unknown. Some Guados were having a beach party in a more warmly lit area, but there was no beach. "Very odd people, these Guados," Tydus thought as he noticed a waffle eating contest being held in another section of the city. He slipped off from the group. No one noticed except Auron, who watched over him obsessively, keeping in mind the kind of trouble he was capable of causing.

The group stood there looking around, half in awe, half in doubt. Eventually one of the various Guados milling around the city noticed the odd group of humans and walked up to them. He looked quite old, with wrinkles like a used bed sheet and a big beer belly. "Hello," he said weakly, "My name is Tromell. I am the great Lord Seymour's personal assistant. Lord Seymour would like to speak with you, Lady Yuna."

"You mean, would like to murder you with a rusty pitchfork," thought Tydus, who had returned from the waffle contest with a full stomach and a first place hat on his head. As the first prize, the Guados in charge had given him his legendary weapon, but Tydus wondered why they had something that for some reason was meant for him.

"If Lady Yuna would come this way…" Tromell grabbed Yuna's arm and led her toward the massive mansion where the dictator pig, no wait, the Lord of the Guados, ha, sorry, lived. Inside, the walls were covered in portraits of past leaders of the Guados done out in green slime. It gave them a gooey three dimensional effect. The walls themselves were pink and purple and made one think of coral. In one corner of the room was a pathetic little plant.

Tromell attracted the group's attention with a bullhorn. "Now that I've dragged you all here I realize that Seymour is still out bowling, so you'll have to sit around until he comes back, or until Tydus talks to everyone in the room. To make up for my daftness, you may take advantage of our world-class waffle buffet while you wait."

"Yeah!" Tydus said enthusiastically, drool almost pouring from his mouth, "This almost makes up for the fact that Seymour is evil!"

"And our award winning hot chocolate," Tromell continued. This effected Auron in much the same way as Tydus. And so, when Seymour finally came, both Tydus and Auron were too full to do anything about him.

"Hi there," he said, "Wanna see something nifty?"

Tydus burped loudly.

"'Scuse me."

"Anyway…" Seymour led them through a door with a flashy sign over it that read: ZANARKAND – The Ride! Tydus would have been concerned about this, but was rendered nearly senseless by the sheer bliss he had recently experienced and almost immobile because with any sudden movement his stomach might burst. Through the door was a short train of seats with harnesses. "Get in, yo!"

"This looks like a roller-" Tydus started, his mind in fog, as everyone sat down.

"No, it's not! It's magic!" Seymour walked briskly over to a control panel cleverly disguised as a sphere. After he pushed a few buttons he quickly jumped into the front seat next to Yuna, and the thing that was certainly not a roller coaster jerked into motion. A three-dimensional picture that was certainly not a hologram shivered into being around them. They all saw night in Zanarkand. It was lots of black with lights all over. As they got closer they could see that it was, indeed, a ruin. A huge pile of rubble covered in pyreflies. Tydus lost his waffles.

"Hmmm, something's wrong with it," Seymour muttered, "I'll have to get the mechanic, I mean, shaman, to have a look at it."

"Uh-huh," Tydus said skeptically. He felt much better now that his organs weren't being crushed from his expanded stomach. And yet, he felt slightly suspicious about what he had just seen. Eh, this world was full of ruins, that could have been anything. The group left the ride and went back into the first room.

"Sorry, guys, it's supposed to be a breath-taking tour of Zanarkand as it was one thousand years ago with a short documentary on garbage pick-up methods at the end." Seymour stopped and looked thoughtful. "This is not the wondrous atmosphere I had wished to create, but oh well. Yuna, will you marry me?"

Yuna stood there and made various faces of disbelief.

"Ha!" said Tydus, "I wish I had a mirror so you could see your face. Seymour, dude, I don't think you're gonna hear a yes."

Yuna's face settled on glaring at Tydus. She then turned this glare on the entire group which was, including Auron, near bursting with laughter. Finally, she rounded it on Seymour. "You creep! Of course I won't! Not even if I only have a few months to live!"

"Wha-?" said Tydus.

"I'll take that as a maybe." Seymour winked at Yuna.

"You know she won't stop the pilgrimage," added Auron.

"Quiet, before I send you!" Seymour said threateningly.

"Huh?!"

"Tydus, stop revealing your ignorance," Lulu interrupted, "We're going to the Farplane right now. I figure that if we go fast enough, we might avoid any crazy schemes Seymour might be planning."

"Right. Toodles!" said Yuna, and she lead her guardians away, leaving Seymour alone in the room.

"Feed me, Seymour," pleaded the dying plant.

"Oh shut up!" Seymour stormed out of the room to find fragile things to break. All alone, the plant shed a tear.

At the entrance to the Farplane Tydus was having second thoughts. "The Farplane is where you send dead people, right?"

"Ya…" Wakka answered.

"And this right here is the Farplane?" Tydus gestured at an enormous wall covered in various gems like mirrors that glowed softly. The path led to a particularly large and clear gem.

"Ya…"

"Sooo, there's dead people in there?"

"That's the idea."

"… Creepy."

As the group continued Tydus noticed that Auron had stopped and was busying himself setting up a hot coco maker. "What are you doing?"

"You want me to just sit here and do nothing while you guys have your romp with the dead?"

"I bet you're scared."

"Do you remember back in Zanarkand when I said I would tell you nothing?"

"Yeah…"

"And do you remember the times when I actually did tell you something?"

"Yeah… Oh, right. Nevermind, then." At this point Tydus would have run to catch up with the rest of the group, but he noticed that Rikku had also decided not to go, and he had a feeling that her reasons would be more pleasant than Auron's.

When he asked, Rikku replied matter-of-factly, "I'm Al Bhed. I don't believe the Farplane is real, so it would be contradictory for me to go. It's a good thing Auron's out here too, or Wakka might get suspicious."

"Yeah, I still think he's just scared, but I don't want to risk it."

"Risk what?"

"Nine times out of ten I wish Auron would keep his mouth shut, and the tenth time is never very pleasant either."

"Ah, well, have fun hanging with the dead!"

"Yeah…" Tydus nervously walked up the rest of the path and through the largest gem, the portal to the Farplane. In the Farplane was…

a rocky platform.

"Well this isn't so—" Oh yeah, the platform was floating over beautiful fields, elegantly curving mountains, and rushing waterfalls flowing into vast clear oceans. It was all covered in millions of fluffy pyreflies having picnics, playing Frisbee, and playing video games. Tydus missed a step and hit the ground quite hard. This alerted the others to his arrival. Lulu shook her head and Yuna giggled. Kimahri stood there, enjoying a brief lapse in harassment from the butterfly. The butterfly was hanging with some of his dead buddies. Wakka was too involved in a one-sided conversation with a projection of someone who didn't look a thing like Tydus.

"Hey, Tydus, this is Chappu," said Wakka.

"He doesn't look a thing like me." Tydus was waving his arm through the image of Chappu.

"Stop that. It doesn't matter what he looks like. He served his purpose in getting me to help you. Do you remember that sword I gave you before we left Besaid?"

"Uh, no."

"Well surely you have found great use in the Brotherhood?"

"No. It only does Strength + 5 or something."

"Oh, whoops." Wakka waved his hand. "There, fully upgraded."

"Ah, thanks. You really shouldn't have held it against Chappu that he didn't want the sword as it was."

"In reflection, you are right." As these words were spoken the world ended.

"That's not funny," Tydus muttered, his arms crossed and foot tapping. The world popped back into existence around him. Tydus figured that a nice chat with Lulu might be safe. At least she wasn't talking to any dead people.

"So," he said, "Don't have any dead loved ones?"

"Yes. I just feel that the dead are dead and you shouldn't bring them back."

"You're just creeped out," Tydus teased.

"Shut up."

"So, Yuna's not gonna marry Seymour?" Tydus looked a tad apprehensive.

"No. Why? Do you want to?"

"Maybe. But there's just all this cool stuff we could do after Yuna defeats Sin, and there's no way I could hang around with her if I married that loser Seymour."

"When you say 'cool stuff we could do after Yuna defeats Sin,' are you including Yuna in the 'we'?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Oh, nothing." "Ha!" thought Lulu, "He could use a little heartbreak." Of course, she didn't have a clue about what would really happen. Muahahaha. Tydus decided that he didn't want to know what Lulu was smiling about and went to talk to Yuna.

Meanwhile, at the entrance to the Farplane…

"Hey, Auron, how do you see anything with these sunglasses on?" Rikku waved her hands in the darkness in front of her.

"Eh." Auron shrugged.

Back in the Farplane…

"Hey, Yuna! Those your dead folks?" said Tydus, nodding at Yuna's parents who were see-through and floating near her.

"I'm glad to see how well you are adjusting," Yuna said tearsly. They stood there. "Hey, why don't you check if you're dad's dead?"

So Tydus thought about his dad. Nothing happened besides Tydus getting himself really pissed. "See? So you can still find him to punch him out."

"Oh, joy." Suddenly, the ghost of Tydus's mom appeared. "Oh, that's embarrassing. Hey, wait. If she's here than that means she's dead, and if she's dead then that means she was once alive, and _that_ means that I must have been alive and real one thousand years ago! So even if I am a dream, I wasn't at one point in time!"

"What are you talking about?"

Tydus's face went vague. "You know, I'm not quite sure…"

"I think this might be a good time to leave."

So the group left. Kimahri had to drag Wakka away from the memory of his brother. Outside, Auron was having an argument with some pyreflies that were hanging around. Rikku was munching on a waffle she had swiped from Seymour's mansion. A few Guados were also standing around the entrance, including Tromell. They greeted the summoner warmly when she emerged, the last of the group out. As she stepped away from the entrance to the Farplane something hard hit her in the back of the head.

"Ouch!" said Yuna. She turned to see who had thrown what appeared to be a movie sphere at her. Standing at the entrance to the Farplane was Maester Jyscal Guado, made entirely out of pyreflies.

"It's a fiend, kill it!" said Tydus, but Tromell whacked him on the head. "Stupid old man," Tydus muttered, rubbing his head. Yuna, who was more tactful, set to work sending the dead Maester. However, she was quite miffed about having a sphere thrown at her head, so her method of sending was very un-tactful. Simply put, she shoved Maester Jyscal back into the Farplane with her rod. Several Guados made gasps of shock at the horrible way in which Yuna "sent" their previous lord.

"Ah, sorry," she said, and discretely scooped up the sphere. "Well, better get going. Lots of things to do." She and her guardians pushed quickly through the Guados.

"So what now?" asked Tydus.

"Well, we need to get to Macarena Woods," Lulu said, "And to get there we first need to go through the Thunder Plains."

"EEK!" Rikku shrieked, and she jumped behind Wakka. Everyone stared. "Don't say the word!"

"What word?"

"Can't say it! Too scared!"

"Is it a verb?"

"No."

"Is it a noun?"

"Y-yes."

"Is it thun-"

"Don't say it!"

"Um, sorry. So you are afraid of the T word…"

"Yes," Rikku gasped with a look of utter terror.

"Okay, then," Lulu said carefully, "To the Plains of the Sound That Lightning Makes.

"Riiiiight," said Tydus. The group set off once more.


	12. Plains of the Sound that Lightning Makes

Chapter 12 --- The Plains of the Sound That Lightning Makes

"So, here we are," said Tydus, "The Thund- Ow! Who threw that brick?!"

"We don't want Rikku to freak out and cause a scene, do we?" Auron said, lightly tossing another brick in the air and catching it.

"It's just a word," Tydus muttered. A large bump was forming on the back of his head. "Those things hurt!" he thought. Ordinarily, Tydus would have been stunned speechless by the scene before him, but he was becoming hopelessly jaded. Even if the devil appeared in a great show of flames and rare orchids and started tap dancing to grunge music Tydus would be more concerned with how where his next waffle was coming from.

Anyone who sees the Thunder Plains would think that the name is quite justified. In the sky was an endless thunderstorm. Lightning danced among the clouds and often took shots at the ground followed by claps of thunder loud enough to hard boil an egg (yeah, that's right, sound can hard boil an egg). The ground looked like a frozen choppy sea, or year-old ice cream, with lightning towers jutting out at intervals, very wide intervals.

"This seems kind of dangerous," Tydus noted. He turned to Rikku, who was thinking about which kind of pie was really the best. "You're not perturbed by this at all?"

"Hm? Oh, no, not in the least. Just the word."

"I see…" Tydus decided to check his guide. "Well, at least I can dodge the lightning, and hey, I can get prizes. …And who thinks anyone can dodge 200 lightning bolts?! CONSECUTIVELY! This is pure evil! I'll be damned if I even try! Ouch! Auron, I'm the only one who gets the bricks!"

Auron shrugged. "Eh."

Tydus's mouth, previously snarling, twisted into an evil grin. "Auron wears bunny ears! I have spoken, so shall it be!"

Auron quite suddenly wore bunny ears. He muttered angrily as he tore off the fluffy ears and started stomping them into the purple-ish earth, but another pair immediately appeared on his head again. He ripped these off, but once more the cute fluffy things perpetuated themselves on his head. By the time he was done experimenting different ways of ripping off bunny ears the ground around him was littered with them, and he was puffing hard. Everyone had to try hard not to laugh.

"You know," said Tydus, "You could open up a business selling bunny ears, and you'd always make a profit!"

Auron tried to glare at him and saunter off in an imposing manner, but with the bunny ears this was nearly impossible. He wasn't the kind of guy to just give up, though. He decided to look at it like a challenge. This made him feel slightly better, and throughout the trip through the Thunder Plains the group noticed him trying various menacing expressions in a mirror to see which best countered the cuteness on his head.

Tydus was too busy dodging lightning to notice anything. "Even if I do dodge every strike," he thought, "there's no way I can hang around here long enough to dodge 200!" But while he was stopping to think this he was struck by lightning. "Ouch!"

Then he was immediately attacked by a tiny cactus. "What the crap?"

Killing a Quactar is not as easy as it should be. No one could hit it except Lulu, but before she could blast away the rest of its HP it turned heel and ran away. Tydus was in shock. "Hey, why'd that stupid thing run away? The guide says they give nice goodies!"

"I wonder why it wouldn't want to hang around while we try to kill it," Lulu said sarcastically.

"I know!" agreed Tydus. To his delight, they were once again attacked by a Quactar. "Ha ha! We shall kick your ass quick-like!"

The Quactar squeaked, then performed an attack called "10,000 Needles." Yuna died several times over. Tydus goggled at Yuna's corpse. "Oh. My. GOD! RUN AWAY!!!"

Tydus used his specialty, Flee, to get him and Lulu far, far away. The Quactar stood there looking cute. It squeaked again, but with a hint of laughter, then romped off. The dead body that was once Yuna lay forgotten all alone on the ocean of frozen prune juice that was the Thunder Plains. Tydus eventually snuck back, chucked a Phoenix Down at her, then sprinted back to the rest of the group. Kimahri had to go back and finish reviving Yuna, but they found themselves surrounded by hundreds of Quactars. Or would they be Quacti? Oh well. By a curious coincidence all the Quactars ran away before Kimahri or Yuna could think of anything to do.

"Okay…" said Yuna, "No need to argue that. Let's find the rest of the group."

Much lightning dodging later, Tydus caught sight of a building in the distance. "Low and behold! Shelter!" He ran toward the outlandish structure, but in his eagerness to get away from the lightning, he forgot that he was not safe yet and was blasted on the spot by no less than thirty bolts. When the air cleared a little, Tydus was left laying on a patch of scarred earth. He was smoking and making small sizzling sounds like bacon fresh out of the frying pan.

"Owie," he squeaked. A small bit of electricity played around his new afro.

The rest of the group walked past, Kimahri stopping to pick up the unfortunate lightning rod. When they were close enough to see the building more clearly Yuna said, "Hey, it's another Al Bhed Travel Agency, I mean, Inn!"

"Woohoo!" said Rikku, "I mean, indifference!"

"See you around, Wakka," Auron said with a sneer. He was getting quite good at being nasty, but a side effect was that he was nasty more often.

Wakka glared. "What if I promise to not inflict any bodily damage to the Al Bhed?"

"Fine," said Yuna, "But no mental abuse, either."

"Dang."

As they drew closer a head stuck out around the door tentively, saw Wakka, then ducked back inside quickly. Yuna smiled. "It's okay! Oh! Wakka, put the blitzball down!"

"Aww."

"Bzzzt!" went a spark on Tydus's foot. He twitched.

Once inside the inn Tydus was able to stand, but miniature lightning bolts still ran up and down his body. "This is – ow – so annoying – ow." He looked around the lobby. Some people, mostly cowering Al Bhed, were standing around, taking a break. He noticed a book on the counter. "Let's have a look then," he thought.

On the cover was the title "The Record of the Lightning that Did or Did Not Hit Tydus." On the inside was just that. It read: "Total lightning strikes at Tydus: 127. Total number dodged: 42. Consecutive number dodged: 13. Total number hit: 84. Consecutive number hit: 54. The committee is arranging some super prizes for him because he's such a great guy."

"54 consecutive hits?!" Tydus thought, "Man this sucks. At least I get a prize." He looked inside the chest sitting near the book. Inside was a Potion, a stub of a pencil, and a cup of banana pudding. He turned to an Al Bhed standing nearby. "Wow, I feel appreciated. And I hate banana pudding. You know what would be nice? The Onion Knight."

"No comprendo…"

Yuna looked around and coughed nervously to get everyone's attention. "I am going to be evasive and mysterious, holding myself up in my room and doing secret things. Everyone better leave me alone."

This translated to Tydus as "Come to my room for sex," and he sneaked after her immediately. When he was at her closed door he would have gone in without hesitation, but he could hear a man's voice. It said, "So now you know. Please kill that murdering bastard I once called my son." This was when Tydus "fell" into the room. Yuna was nodding sagely at a hologram of a really old Guado. Then she noticed Tydus and whacked him on the head with her rod. "You don't listen!" she declared.

"I heard you fine!" Tydus protested, "You said you wanted—"

Suddenly the door burst open once more and in came Wakka, likely saving Tydus's life. "NOOGIE!" he shouted, grabbing Tydus around the head and administering said noogie. Sparks flew from Tydus's charged hair.

"I'm too late for the sex, then?" said Wakka.

Yuna kicked them both out of her room and shut the door in their faces. Wakka and Tydus shared a look that said "What's up her butt?" They shrugged and walked off.

Back in the lobby Rin had arrived. He was looking quite miffed. "I just found out that someone let Wakka into my inn!"

"He promised to behave, and we confiscated his blitzball," said Lulu reassuringly.

"Assuming that is true, this is still horrible for business! No Al Bhed will visit my inns if they hear that I am letting Wakka in, too! It's a proven fact that he will attempt to strangle any Al Bhed he meets 'in the name of Yevon!' He's a complete loon!"

"Aw, he's not that bad," said Rikku.

"Rikku! How are you? How's old Cid doing? Still working on that airsh –"

"Shh! Don't give away parts of the plot ahead of schedule!"

"Well, it's not like that hasn't happened already. _A lot._" Rin looked at the rest of the odd people in the lobby. "Hey, is that Auron?" Auron gave him a menacing look that could wilt a cactus, or would have if it weren't for the

"Bunny ears," Rin stated flatly, as if saying it would make them explain themselves, "Those are bunny ears."

Auron intensified his glare and it broke past the cute little things on his head and blasted Rin.

"I'll just be going now," Rin said nervously, and added to Rikku as he rushed away, "Nice glasses, by the way."

"Oh, look," said Lulu, "Here comes the rest of our happy gang."

"Hello," said Yuna, "Let's go outside and get some fresh air."

Tydus groaned.

"We're only halfway through the Thunder Plains, you're gonna have to leave this inn sometime," Auron said, getting some happiness in teasing Tydus, "Is that a tear I see in your eye, Crybaby?"

"Would you like a fluffy tail to go with those ears?" Tydus countered. Auron growled like an enraged bunny, but held his tongue.

"Onward!" said Yuna, to get them back on track. Tydus cautiously headed outside at the back of the group. Suddenly, there was a flash! Tydus jumped out of the way of the impending lightning but none came. There was a small, mousy man with a camera standing in front of the group. "He must have caused the flash," thought Tydus, then he said, "Hey, you with the camera!" But the strange man had already skedaddled. "Where'd he get a camera? And what was that about? A snap and run shooting?" Ba da ching!

"He took off with our picture!" Lulu said indignantly, "Wakka, get him!" She stood there expectantly, but nothing stopped the man from getting farther away. "Wakka?"

Wakka was frozen stiff with a look of utter horror on his face. Tydus prodded him with his finger, which in reflection might not have been a smart thing to do. Wakka's reaction was to wail like a tortured seal in a very loud voice, "IT STOLE MY SOUL!" and then squat on the ground holding his legs rocking and moaning. He was much noisier than before.

"I hope this doesn't impede our progress," Auron mumbled.

A lightning bolt struck Tydus.


	13. Glow' is the Word

Chapter 13 --- "Glow" is the Word

"Oof!" Tydus landed ungracefully from his running leap into a place drastically different from the Thunder Plains. He pulled himself up and turned to take a last look at the only piece of land to ever become his mortal enemy. "Ha ha! Can't get me now!"

The lightning took a shot at him, but fell short by inches. The electricity hissed in contempt, but it knew he would have to come back for the side quests someday.

The rest of the group stepped calmly into the glow of Macaroni Woods. This place was even more unlikely than the land of perpetual lightning. The trees were gigantic and colored bright pastel purples and aquamarines, with glowing crystal leaves. Clear crystals reflected all the unearthly colors and big orange orbs were added for extra glowy-ness. Kimahri's face fell when he saw all the butterflies fluttering around, many of which were already coming to join the first one that had yet to tire of his company.

"What an eyesore," whined Rikku.

"What a place!" Tydus commented, "It's not hostile, is it?"

"Besides fiends, no," Lulu replied, "Macadamia Woods is fairly benign, but watch out for the red butterflies."

"Butterflies are annoying, sure, but dangerous?"

"Just watch out."

Good advice, considering a colorfully dressed birdman suddenly jumped in front of them from behind a tree. "I am the King of the Butterflies!" he declared, waving his arms. A harp was surgically attached to his right arm.

"I think you have some competition." Tydus gestured toward Kimahri, who was surrounded by no less than thirty butterflies. Tydus was careful to note that none of them were red.

"Hmm," mused the King of the Butterflies, "You seem to be quiet the master of butterflies. Very well, I resign. Here's the ceremonial Butterfly Scepter, aka the Sprit Lance, along with the butterfly Charms, aka the Saturn Crest and Sigil."

"Er, thank you…" Tydus said, knowing Kimahri wouldn't say anything.

"You are quite wel- Oh my goodness! A were-fiend!" cried the birdman, pointing a shaking finger to a spot just above Tydus's head.

"A what?" said Tydus, slightly panicked.

"A red butterfly," Lulu explained, "It's on your head."

"Yaaa!" Tydus swatted at his head frantically, though he still wasn't sure why he feared the butterfly.

"Don't touch it!" cried the birdman, but it was too late. Tydus had landed a blow on the tiny thing and knocked it into his view. It was blood red and slightly large, but was otherwise quite cute. The birdman stared at it in horror. "Butterfly King away!" he declared, and jumped behind another tree.

Everyone kept their eyes on the butterfly, holding their breath. For a few tense seconds the butterfly fluttered calmly in front of Tydus. Then there was a flash and the little insect had been replaced by a raging Chimera.

"Iiee!" said everyone but Kimahri.

"Yuna, summon Ixion, I mean, Prissy!" said Wakka.

"Yeah," agreed Tydus, "Let's see if he can do something besides look prissy."

Yuna shook her head sadly, but summoned Prissy. The aeon came, did its best, and utterly failed. Even Yuna had to admit it, "Prissy, you suck."

"Maybe he has bad morale," suggested Wakka.

"Yeah, maybe if we call him Superman he'll do better," Tydus said sarcastically.

"Anything's better than Prissy."

"That's not really true…"

"Well, there are many better ones."

"But you are who you are. You are Wakka. I am Tydus-"

"Tidus," said Auron.

"And Prissy is Prissy," Tydus finished, ignoring Auron.

"Whatever."

"Guys?" Yuna interrupted, "We're still fighting the Chimera."

"Huh, so we are…"

Auron cut it in half. It died.

"Wow," said Wakka.

"Pfft! Hardly impressive." Tydus waved his hand dismissively. The group raised their eyebrows at him. "Anyway, where are we going?"

"To the temple of Mastodon, to get another aeon, whom _I_ will name this time," Yuna answered, "So let's keep moving. Sin's not gonna kill himself, you know."

"I wish," Tydus muttered.

As they walked Tydus kept one eye on the butterflies around Kimahri, now reaching sixty, and the other eye on any new butterflies. As a result he walked right into Bruno, who had been running around waving his arms up until now.

"Oh crap," said Tydus, sparing a glance at what he had hit, "Dona isn't with you, is she?"

"No. Dona's not here! I can't find here!"

"She's definitely not on Bikanel Island!" Rikku said hastily.

"…"

"I don't know what to do!"

"Well," said Auron, "You looked like you were doing well before we got here. Carry on, I'm sure you'll find her soon." Tydus snickered in spite of despising Auron.

"Thank you so much for your help, Sir Auron! Bless you all!" Bruno ran off waving his arms again.

"Wow, he really did it…" said Wakka in amazement.

"All the more reason for us to ignore it and move on!" said Rikku, who was already edging ahead. The group decided that they had enough problems without picking up more, and followed Rikku toward the temple.

The most annoying thing in the Woods, Tydus noted, was how random the elements were. This place was obviously ice-based, but most of the time attacking with fire was ineffective and often beneficial to the wrong side. Then the group was attacked by another red butterfly. "Oh yeah, butterflies are also annoying," he thought. The funny thing about Chimeras, Tydus continued to note, was their insistence to use Thunderaga on him when his shield had Lightningproof, not that he was complaining.

They were walking along pleasantly, Tydus noting things, Kimahri attracting butterflies, Yuna stomping cute things, Wakka humming the tune of YMCA, Lulu baking a cake, and Rikku walking into trees, when Auron suddenly stuck out his sword in front of everyone. The ones in front ran into the flat of the blade.

"Auron!" whined Tydus, rubbing his nose, "What is it this time?"

"I feel like fighting a mini-boss and there's one right over there." He gestured at a thick patch of branch and crystal.

"Just how drunk are you?"

"Not enough." He took a big gulp from his keg.

"Now?"

"Maybe." Auron swung at the cluster of glowing stuff. Pieces of tree and ice chipped off. A half hour later there was a hole big enough to walk through and Auron had almost worked off the alcohol, but not quite. "Woo, let's kill something large and jelly-like!" He charged through the hole, stumbling a little.

"Hey," said Tydus, looking at the sky, "Is that a flying log?"

"I'm sure it was," Yuna said dully. She sighed. "I guess we should see what Sir Auron is up to."

A few minutes earlier…

"Hmm-dee-la. La la la-la," hummed Spherimorph as he bounced around his frozen pond. It had been a koi pond before it had frozen, and there were many fat koi hanging motionless in the ice. Spherimorph did a large jump and landed in a pose. "BA-DA!"

"Good morning, world! Good morning, Meatball!" He hugged the ice above a particularly big red and white koi. It didn't respond. "Good morning, other fish!" None of them showed any sign of doing anything that they hadn't done for over five hundred years, and Spherimorph did not appear to expect anything else, because he then turned lovingly to a tree sticking out of the center of the pond and said, "Good morning tree!" The tree made a cracking sound and a large branch fell loudly onto the ice where Spherimorph had been moments before. Apparently, this was nothing new, either

"What a beautiful day this is!" he continued, picking up the branch and tossing it out of the clearing that was his home. "I don't think there has ever been a day as beautiful as this! Hey! And here's a visitor to share it with! What lovely ears you ha-- OUCHES!"

And here is where dear Auron showed up for a "Preemptive Strike." When the others joined him they saw him swinging his Katana at a giant greenish blob that was emitting squeals that sounded like "Owie!" and "You meanie!" It was also spazzing and causing strange weather, such as raining fire and freak hurricanes, so they were less concerned with whether Auron was in the right mind or not, and more with stopping the horizontal hail.

Normally, the constant switching of elements would have been a great pain in the group's butts, but because the woods were full of water elements, ice elements, neutral fiends, and Chimeras, no one was still using an elemental weapon by now, except Tydus. Tydus was still using the Brotherhood, and showed no signs of letting go.

"Tydus, stop hitting it with your Brotherhood when it's a water element!" Yuna shouted when he healed it for the fifth time.

"But it's such a nifty-looking sword!"

"I wish I knew what that blob is," said Rikku.

"Too late," Auron said happily as Spherimorph kicked the bucket. The tree shivered in happiness and spat a movie sphere at them from a knothole. "Oh yeah," Auron looked quite glum, "that's also here. Well, Tydus, turn it on."

"How?"

"Kick it, maybe."

"Er…"

Auron kicked it lightly then went away to sit on a rock sticking out of the pond. The sphere flickered, then showed a hologram of the pond almost identical to what it was now, only Tydus and his comrades were not there and Jecht was. He looked unusually sober, Tydus thought as he held picked it up.

"Tydus, I love you, son!"

"Ack!" yelled Tydus, dropping the sphere like a hot potato, but it kept going: "I have no idea why I am leaving a sphere for you, because right now I have no reason to believe you would end up in Spira, nor do I know why I am hiding it in the middle of an ice forest which you would probably never visit unless you were accompanying a summoner on a pilgrimage. But if you've found it then that means something terrible, terrible has happened to me, but also, you're still following in my footsteps. Now I will take a break in my sudden desire to be kind to you by laughing. Ha ha ha ha ha! Little crybaby wants to be like his daddy! How cute! Ha ha. But seriously, I love you, and good luck in whatever it is you're doing here."

The sphere shut down and there was dead silence. This was broken by Tydus smashing the sphere with his sword. Auron came back and said, "Hey, for some reason you finding that sphere made my overdrive cooler."

"Arg!" Tydus threw his hands up in frustration. "What a nightmare! Let's hurry up and get to the Mesothelioma temple so we can start an interesting chain of events that will make everyone forget that this ever happened."

"Can we stop with the names, please," said Lulu, "It was funny at first, but I know you all know this is Macalania."

"Aww," said everyone except Kimahri.


	14. Kill Seymour, Vol1

Chapter 14 --- Kill Seymour, Volume 1

As they walked the scenery gradually changed from a forest to that of a small section of Mt. Everest. Butterflies were also gradually leaving Kimahri, though in the end forty two had taken up permanent residence fluttering around him.

When they were finally out of the trees they saw a huge frozen lake. "That lake actually holds up most of Macalania," Lulu explained, "The temple is underneath the surface."

"How can it be under the ice?" asked Tydus.

"It's hollow."

"I see… Well, no, I don't. How can you have a hollow lake? The surface needs something to have supported it before it froze. Did someone take out the inside?"

"Actually, someone did. Or rather, someones. It started with this one guy, but of course it takes many lifetimes to hollow out a lake. About 7 generations."

"But _why_?"

"They were in the ice business. Cut out ice for free and sold it to people in the perpetual summer climates."

"Giant monsters blowing up cities, a language made by switching letters, fiends who can't hit petrified people, and a lake carved out by businessmen?!" Tydus ranted, "Spira is the stupidest place in the universe! I can't believe this is still the same world I grew up in!"

"Well," said Yuna apologetically, "it _has_ been one thousand years."

"I hope you're not gonna cry about it," said Auron.

Tydus kicked a soda can in anger. It flew over a tall mound of snow and out of sight. "Ow!" said someone, "What's this? Hey, don't litter!"

The person stepped out from behind the mound. Tydus smiled. "Clasko!"

"Oh, hey Tydus." Clasko also smiled and a chocobo came out behind him.

"How go the chocobos?"

"I sent off the Chocobo Knight chocobos to a secret chocobo reserve, and now I am traveling around saving the others of that majestic yellow species from the oppression of the people of Spira."

"That's great! Who's this one?"

"His name's Phil."

"Ah, um, what a good name…"

"Well, I named him after his former owner, whom he ate."

"Spiffy."

"I think we'll be leaving now," Yuna said quickly, and pulled Tydus away with the rest of the group following.

"Goodbye, then!" Tydus called, waving enthusiastically.

A few minutes later they saw a person ahead on the trail. By the way he stood he was either a Guado or a monkeyman. "I hope it's a monkeyman," thought Tydus. But it wasn't. Worse, it was Tromell.

"Ho, there!" called the old geezer.

"What do you want now?" Tydus asked impatiently. He was ready to throw a brick and run.

"Oh, nothing much," said Tromell with a grin, "Just to escort Lady Yuna to the temple for her wedding with Lord Seymour, don't want to be late, you know."

"What are you talking about?" Yuna demanded, "When Seymour asked me to marry him I answered with a firm and unchanging 'no'. There is no wedding for me to be late to!"

"Not according to the rest of Spira." Tromell's grin was getting annoyingly big.

"And _why_ does the rest of Spira think I am marrying Seymour?" Yuna's blue eye was starting to twitch.

"We, ah, told them so."

"You rotten Guados and your conniving!" She turned her head to Lulu. "Apparently, we didn't get away fast enough to avoid Seymour doing anything stupid."

"Let's try again, then!" said Tydus, and he let loose his brick. "Run away!"

"Well, it's a plan," said Wakka, and they headed after Tydus. They were on a part of the path that crossed directly over the frozen lake when they heard a strange buzzing noise that was quickly getting louder.

"A lawn mower?" Tydus wondered where the grass was when three modified riding lawn mowers crested the dunes of snow around the ice at breakneck speeds unheard of by anyone in the business of mowing lawns. Piloting them were five Al Bhed, and some of them looked slightly familiar to Tydus. They came to a stop on higher ground and a monster machina rolled up to join them.

"Uh-huh." Tydus was feeling less happy.

"Ah-ha-ha-ha," said the lead Al Bhed, "-We will beat you most mightily! This contrapty-doozy will negate all magic and summoning, thus it is called the Negator!-"

"-So, this's the Negator-?" Tydus asked, looking at his guide and pointing at the Crawler. "-the guide says it is the Crawler.-"

"-Well, it is, but,-" the Al Bhed pushed a button and a cute little floating machine popped out of a hatch and buzzed around overhead, "-_that's_ the Negator. The Crawler is just another machine, nothing special.-" The Crawler drooped a bit at that.

"Oh…"

"Brother!" shouted Rikku, "-I'm telling dad you attacked me!-"

"Rikku?!" the lead Al Bhed, whose name really was Brother, said, "-What are you doing with them?-"

"-I,-" she paused, stood proudly and puffed out her chest, "-Am a guardian.-"

"-That a fact?-"

"-It is indeed.-"

"-Well, that's your fault. Crawler, fire away!-"

"-Jerk!-"

"Sooo," said Yuna as the Crawler's motors moved more vigorously, "What's going on?"

"You don't know Al Bhed?" Rikku asked, amazed, "_Tydus_ even knows Al Bhed!"

"Never felt like it," Yuna said defensively.

"Well, my brother is going to attack us with that Crawler, but that's not important," (Crawler drooped even more), "What's important is that the Negator there will prevent the use of magic and aeons. But it has some pitifully low HP. Wakka could get it with one hit, and speaking of which…"

"I will pretend that the last five minutes did not happen," said Wakka, "At least for a little while."

"Great, thanks. So how about bonking that Negator for us?"

Once the Negator was gone the group waged an all-out battle on the oversized machine with low self esteem. It had a mental break-down and fell to pieces. The Al Bhed gave a few indignant huffs and ran off.

"Yuna!" Tromell called, coming out from his hiding place now that it was safe. They could see a large bump forming on his head. "Let me take you to Lord Seymour!"

"Do you know how to work one of these, Tydus?" Rikku asked, "I've never been taught."

"Ha! Are you kidding? Grass doesn't _exist_ in Zanarkand!"

"Oh…"

"Run away from Tromell!" yelled Tydus, throwing another brick. The group ran like lightning from the old Guado, who chased them all the way to the temple at the speed of a turtle.

An hour or so later…

"Run away from the Guado Guardians!" The group ran like thunder (they were getting tired and couldn't quite make lightning-speed) from the temple, chased by many pissed off Guado Guardians.

An hour or so before…

Tydus stopped to gape at the temple. "Ooo, underground temple."

"Underwater," Yuna corrected.

"Under_ice_." Rikku this time.

"Yeah…" Tydus stopped walking. "Maybe we should come back later."

"What for?"

"Well, we're going to Macalania temple, and Seymour is at Macalania temple, so we will all end up in the same place."

"Oh, I see your point." Yuna furrowed her brow. "We'll go anyway. I want that aeon so we can progress in this pilgrimage."

"Fine."

And now they were inside, with Seymour waiting at the doors. "Hello, Yuna! Let's hurry and get that aeon so we can marry!"

"Seymour, you're such a dork," she replied, but followed single-mindedly to the Cloister of Trials.

"Hey," said Tydus, "Maybe we should follow?"

"I remember those five minutes now," Wakka said stonily.

"Okay, Wakka," said Tydus solemnly, "I will tell you the truth. Everyone you know and love is Al Bhed."

"What?!"

"Tydus was just joking," said Lulu. Tydus smiled and wandered off. "Only about half the people you know and love are Al Bhed."

"Oh, much better." Wakka's face fell.

"You're just going to have to deal with it, like you have for years, I might point out."

"Yeah, well, um… er… Oh, crap. I can't very well up and abandon all my lying and deceiving friends. I guess I'll just have to stay and ignore it again."

"Good man. So you're in it 'till the end."

"Well, I hope you're ready," Tydus called from the stair to the Cloister, holding his guide, "because we're about to become traitorous enemies of the unholy Yevon!"

"Wha—" said everyone except Kimahri, but at that moment there was a scream from one of the temple's chambers and Shelinda came running out screaming "It's proof of the corruption of our poorly constructed government and the inherent evil of Guados!"

"Wha—"

"I don't know, just watch it!" Shelinda tossed the sphere that had been chucked at Yuna back at the Farplane. It landed on the ground in front of the group and instantly started playing its recording of Maester Jyscal.

"If you are a Guado, turn this off now, you're all a bunch of evil jerks and I don't trust you. If this is a "good guy" (as defined by the booklet that came with the game) then I have something important to tell you. My son, Seymour, killed me. He is an evil freak who plans evil plans and likes broccoli. BROCCOLI! I ask you! So, now you know. Please kill that murdering bastard I once called my son."

"… Woohoo! An excellent excuse to kill Seymour!" Tydus was jumping for joy. "Let's go, Wakka!"

"The world is out to get me, I swear," said Wakka, shaking his head sadly, but he went with the rest of the group into the Cloister. Inside was a hallway of ice, and beyond that was a chamber that looked suspiciously like those found at the end of the Trials.

"Wait, where were the Trials?" Tydus asked, looking around.

"Oh, hello there," said Seymour conversationally from the other side of the room, "Yuna should be out soon."

She entered the room immediately as he said it. She saw her guardians there and smiled. "Woo! No more talking, fight now!"

"But… but, Yuna! I love you!" Seymour whined. "I love you so much that I'd kill you and all your friends, 'cuz that's what bad guys do!"

"Well, we're gonna kill you, 'cuz that's what good guys do!" Tydus yelled back. "I've wanted to do this ever since I knew you existed!" And with that he gave a massive flip of his hair. Seymour fell back a few feet.

"Pfft, weak," said Auron. He ripped off his current bunny ears and within those few cute-less seconds he threw his nastiest look at Seymour, who cried out and completely fell over.

"What odd ways of fighting you all have," he said, struggling to his feet, but before he could stand up he was hit by Feral Butterflies from Kimahri. "Aiiiee! Butterflies?! You guys are too cruel! When do I get a turn?"

"Never!" Tydus said evilly, "Hastega! And Slow on you!"

"Nnnooooooo!" Seymour said in slow motion.

"That's kinda creepy," said Wakka, "I can't believe I'm doing this, but –" he chucked his blitzball. 278 showed above Seymour. "I'm so sorry Maester, please forgive me!"

"Put your heart into it, Wakka!"

"Multiple Blizzaga!" Seymour shouted, and took 500 HP out of everyone.

"That's ch-cheating!" stampered Tydus very cold-like.

"Bio!" cried Lulu.

"Haha, you're drunk!"

"Tydus, shut up!"

"Sorry, I'm just so happy!"

"I feel loved," Seymour said sarcastically, "I guess I'll use the aeon of my mother for more evil then! Anima!" Anima popped into existence, taking up half the room. It was a lot less impressive than in the Luca cinema, but it was so impressive to begin with that being less impressive now did not much effect how terrified everyone was.

"Blarg!" said Anima.

"Kill those dudes!"

"Blarg," Anima consented. It turned to the group. "Blarg!" Anima used Pain.

"Owie!" said the group (but not, for the fiftieth time, Kimahri).

"Summon something, Yuna!" said Rikku.

"How about the new aeon, whose name will _not_ be altered," she added, looking pointedly at Tydus, who smirked. So she summoned Shiva and immediately regretted it. "What a perverted faith," she thought.

"Wow," said the men in the room. Shiva was blue and butt-naked except for a tiny loincloth. Her hair was big and nappy. As they watched a rat crawled out of one giant knot and into another. "Erm…"

"Well, anyway," said Yuna, "Attack that aeon that is twenty times as big and horrifying as you!"

Shiva fretted, but Anima's overdrive was long and slow, whereas hers was filled in two turns. Anima died quickly. "Well, I hope that when I get Anima myself, it puts up more of a fight against others…"

"Of course!" said Tydus, looking at his guide, "It's a pattern! Bad guys have high HP and horrible attacks when compared to a good guy's lower HP and kick-ass attacks."

Meanwhile, Seymour died of poison. "Gak!" he said, and was no more. At least, for a little while…

"How degrading." Yuna shook her head in mock sadness.

"Maybe you should send him before someone or something prevents us," Auron suggested.

"Why would anyone do that?"

Tydus opened his mouth to say something that would properly lay down some urgency on the situation, but just then…

"Too late!" said Tromell from the entrance. He was followed by other Guados who grabbed Seymour. Tydus made strangling motions at Yuna. "We're gonna take his dead body, so as to be inconclusive. 'Bye, now!"

"You let me send Maester Jyscal! Why not that loon?!"

"We have favorites!" came the reply.

"I don't like Tromell, either," said Tydus, "Let's dig up some dirt on him so we can kill him, too."

"I think Tydus learned the wrong lesson," Auron remarked.

"There was a lesson?" Yuna asked.

"Yes." It was Wakka, sounding miserable. "Don't kill Maesters!" He sobbed loudly into his hands.

"Man, you are sad." Tydus shook his head.

"Let's get out of here before the Guados retaliate," said Lulu.

"Pfft! They're just Guados."

Suddenly, a pair of Guado Guardians popped out of the back room.

"What were they doing in there?"

"Run, stupid!" Auron grabbed him.

They burst out of the temple, Tydus yelling "Run away from the Guado Guardians!" In the middle of the ice bridge Tydus lost his footing. He yelped and grabbed hold of Rikku to keep from falling to his doom, but she fell with him and grabbed Yuna, who grabbed Wakka, who grabbed Lulu, who grabbed Auron, who grabbed Kimahri, who was certainly not capable of holding up the rest of the team and fell with the rest to the bottom of the lake.

Most of them dived into shallow water full of ice shards, but Yuna was lucky enough to do a belly flop onto a rock. They were in much pain. When Tydus's head got everything in order again he noticed that they had company, and hypothermia.

"Hello, how'd you get in here? I mean, how do you even fit?" he said to Sin, puzzled. Of course, with Sin, it did not take long for Tydus to get very pissed. "Old man, you suck!"

"Tydus, stop yelling," Auron grunted, "I've got a hangover."

"Auron, I sobered up for you, and now _you're_ the drunk!" rumbled Sin, "For shame!"

"But you wouldn't sober up for me, would you, old man!"

"I'm not that old, you know. Maybe a little time out will straighten you out."

"What?!" But then the world blacked out.


	15. Sweet Home Al a Bhed ma!

Yeah, I make a Dune reference. What are you gonna do about it?

----------------------------------------------

Chapter 18 --- Sweet Home Al-a-Bhed-ma!

When Tydus woke up he found he had been sleeping in the water again. "Just because I can doesn't mean I should, old man," he muttered as he looked around, "And is it a coincidence that this is the only patch of water in this desert I appear to be in?!"

But Sin had already left some time ago and Tydus was alone in an oasis in a desert which was also an island. Tydus did not feel bad about being alone. In fact, the lack of people talking and at the same time telling him to shut up was quite a relief. At least, until he was attacked by a giant bird.

"Oh my god! How did I completely miss that?!" Fortunately, after properly casting Haste and Slow and then using the infamous Delay Attack (like at the airport) on Zu, it was sadly lacking in a chance to kill him. Things were going well, but this stopped, of course, as soon as Auron arrived. "Dang! My old man must hate me!"

"No, he loves you, remember?" Auron grinned viciously.

"Maybe I don't want to remember."

"Stop whining," snapped Lulu, walking into the fight, "I'm beginning to understand that 'crybaby' thing."

"Is everyone here?!" Tydus threw his arms into the air in consternation, "Why, old man, why couldn't you let me be happy for once?!"

"You also say 'why' too much. It's like you're _trying_ to incur Yevon's wrath."

Meanwhile, Auron killed the great eyesore Zu. "I thought I saw something blue over there," he pointed over a dune, "while I was performing one of my impressive aerial moves."

"Yeah?" Tydus said through gritted teeth.

"Yeah. We should check it out. Get to it, soldier!"

"Yes sir!" Tydus swung his hand into salute again, with the sword still in it so that it came inches from giving Auron a new scar. He said with a smile, "Ah, whoops."

"Eh-heh-heh, yeeeah…"

When they got around the dune they saw that the blue was actually Kimahri. "Hey, Kima-- What are you doing?" Tydus raised an eyebrow. Kimahri was running up a steep dune, only to slide back down as the sand gave way. Then he would do it again. "Is he stuck in a loop or something? Hey, Kimahri! Dude, there's flat ground right over here! And there! And just about everywhere but on that dune!"

Lulu chucked her Moogle at the mental Ronso. Kimahri shook his head and joined the group without saying a word to explain himself, but no one really expected him to, anyway.

"Hey, there's Rikku over there," said Tydus, pointing, "And hey, there's Wakka over there," he pointed to the left a ways, "And hey, what was the point of spreading us out over a few yards? And hey again-"

"Anyone seen Yuna?" Auron cut in.

"I bet you wouldn't care at all except that she's your chance at killing Sin."

"Yeah, so? Where is she?" Auron started walking over to Wakka and Rikku.

"Gone! I bet she ditched us because you're and inconsiderate jerk obsessed with getting her to risk her life to accomplish nothing!"

"Well, it's not really _risking_ her life," said Lulu.

"And it's going to accomplish _something_," Auron added.

"That's right! It's gonna make my old man happy! The only positive thing about this is that he'll be dead, and that's awfully morbid."

"So it's settled," Auron said, smiling, "Tydus hates his life. I'm going to remind you of that in the end."

"I don't like vague foreshadowing, either."

"I know you don't." Auron's smile got bigger, which, combined with the bunny ears, made him look ridiculously cute. He quickly switched to a smirk.

By this time they had reached the others. Rikku was hopping around impatiently. "Look here," she pointed at one of the crude shelters scattered about the desert, "These have Al Bhed potions, which are better than Hi Potions and are in enormous surplus around here, but only I can use them, as I am Al Bhed."

"That strikes me as suspicious," said Tydus.

"No it doesn't," Rikku said quickly. The group stared at her. "Oh all right, come closer." She looked over her shoulder with shifty eyes as the others huddled. She saw nothing, of course, and turned back to the group. "This is Bikanel Island, location of Home, Al Bhed headquarters."

"What?" said Tydus.

"Home is that grand name my dad came up with for the new base for the Al Bhed. And I know it is stupid, but it is certainly correct. Anyway, we should head there, because there is nothing else here besides desert."

"I wonder how Wakka feels about this?" said Tydus, but Wakka was staring blankly at a rock in the sand, stubbornly ignoring everything Al Bhed. "I suppose that's for the better…"

"Giant worm!" screamed Rikku.

"'Giant worm'? That has nothing to do with anything," Tydus said while still looking sadly at Wakka, who stopped analyzing the rock to look in horror at something Tydus couldn't see. "What's Auron doing now?" he asked, finally turning around. He gaped as the Sand Worm growled menacingly. "Great gods of fish heads!" he exclaimed, jumping several feet.

"Quit being a wuss," said Auron, "Let's fight already."

Rikku's Al Bhed Potions came annoyingly in handy as the Sand Worm continually tried to poison them. They weren't fairing to badly themselves, but the utterly staggering amount of HP the worm possessed meant it would be a looong fight.

"This makes me appreciate Yuna more," said Rikku, who was actually starting to run out of her A.B.P.'s.

"This is crazy!" Tydus said, taking a moment to flip through his guide. "This Sand Worm has more HP than Seymour will when we have to fight him again! This doesn't flow with this world's logic! The bad guys have to get progressively harder so as to aid the advancement of our skill! He's not even a boss! This fiend does not belong here!"

"Maybe Seymour is a bit more competent with fighting," Wakka suggested.

"I doubt that."

Wakka was about to say something, probably to defend Seymour, when the Sand Worm suddenly ate Lulu.

Needless to say, this was one of the oddest things any of the group had ever seen a fiend do, but they all came to the same conclusion:

"Run away!" And run away they did.

Leto Atreides rose groggily from the sand near the Sand Worm. He looked around, taking in recent events, then turned disapprovingly to the Worm. "Whiskers, you have done a bad thing." Whiskers whimpered.

Back with the group…

They ran like jack rabbits across the desert, passing random huts and occasional boulders, and wooden signs with Al Bhed writing that made Rikku steadily more worried.

"Uh, guys?"

"Not now, Rikku, busy running for our lives like cowards while Lulu gets digested!" Tydus panted.

"I'm right here," said Lulu, scooting along and looking very annoyed but otherwise okay.

"Oh, hey Lulu, nice day for a run, eh?"

Lulu growled.

They fell into a large hole.

"Ouches!" said Tydus, shaking his head, "Why does my elbow hurt?"

"Mmpfh fh-hrmpf pmf!" said Wakka, glaring.

"What?" Tydus moved his elbow.

"It was in my mouth!"

"Ah, sorry. So why does my back hurt?"

"Because you landed on a treasure chest," Lulu said grumpily.

"And my leg?"

"Oh, that must be my Katana," said Auron from on top of him.

"Well, as long as it's nothing serious." Tydus glared at him as he jerked the sword out of his calf and quickly applied a Hi Potion. "Maybe one of you should have taken up White Magic."

"Why don't you? You're closest to Yuna's part of the grid," Lulu noted.

"That made no sense."

"I know. Now let's get out of here."

"Well see, this was my initial problem," said Rikku, folding her arms and looking cross, "Not only are we heading in the exact _wrong_ direction, but we are now in the middle of the Large Monster and Pot Hole Zone, which is full of-"

"Large Monsters and Potholes?" said Tydus, looking glum, "I had a feeling before, but it wasn't until we got on this island that it became blatantly obvious: you Al Bhed are very direct when you name things."

"At least everyone can pick up on what's in the Large Monster and Pot Hole Zone. We better start running or we'll never get Home."

"But home is a thousand years ago," Tydus said longingly.

"Shut up."

Suddenly, Maechen ran by, waving his arms above his head and uttering nonsense. After recovering from a mild case of surprise, Tydus tried to get him with a brick, but the old man could really boogie across the sand. "Okay, he's been completely absent at all the places he was supposed to be, and now he shows up in exactly the wrong spot, crazier than ever, and more physically fit. This strikes me as odd."

"Can you just pretend everything is normal?" said Lulu, "We really need to get going."

So they ran across the desert, stopping often to cower beneath large monsters and fall in pot holes.

"Are we there yet?"

"Rikku! Why are you asking us?!" said Tydus. Rikku shrugged. "Well, I don't think anything on this island but Home could burn quite like that massacre over there." He gestured into the distance where a gray blob resembling a metal fortress was topped by another gray blob resembling the smoke of a very large fire.

"That better not be pollution," Wakka growled.

"Of course not. We Al Bhed use suspiciously clean fuel. Home must be on fire."

"Why would Al Bhed burn their own city?"

"They didn't! We're being attacked! By… Yevonites and Guados! How coincidental that they do it when we, as playable characters and the only ones who can save the day, are here."

"This is probably what my old man had in mind when he dropped us here," Tydus muttered.

"What?" said Rikku, Wakka, and Lulu. Kimahri settled with raising an eyebrow.

"Did I say my old man? Well I meant Sin! Whose utter ugliness reminds me of Jecht to the point where it's hard to tell them apart."

"Uh-huh," said Rikku, looking mildly concerned about Tydus's mental health. "We gotta go in and save the day!"

"Uh, maybe we could just ask them to stop," Wakka said meekly.

"That would be as effective as throwing marshmallows at a shoopuf," said Auron.

"Yes," said Tydus, snickering when Auron said marshmallows, "What we need are many large pointy things to throw at this metaphorical shoopuf."

"Wow, Tydus can correctly use 'metaphorical' in a sentence. How about that," said Lulu. Tydus rolled his eyes at her.

"My blitzball is the incarnation of pointy, but I think I'll sit this one out, ya? I can handle being unjustly called a traitor, but not a helper of the Al Bhed to boot."

"Get off it, Wakka," said Tydus.

"Nope."

"Well, we have plenty of pointy things of our own. We'll just go on without you!"

"Fine, go!"

Tydus stormed off, with the others following and looking like they couldn't care less, while Wakka stood facing the other way with his arms folded, trying to look slightly miffed but otherwise nonchalant. This took most of his concentration, and by the time the others were out of view behind the dunes he had forgotten exactly what he was upset about and was wondering where everyone had gone. He decided that walking whiddershins in a gradually widening spiral was the best way to find something.

A few spirals later he realized that he should have just followed the others' footsteps, and that, not being British, he had no idea what 'whiddershins' means, but just then he found another Sand Worm.

"Oh, dear."

----

Back with the pleasantly smaller group heading toward Home, Tydus was annoying everyone by reading the entire Bestiary section of his guide. This encouraged everyone to run faster and they reached Home before Tydus had finished the M's.

"Malboro: has 27,000 HP, horrible defense and accuracy, immune to all the cool things… and Haste? Why would it be immune to that? And Doom in only three-- Hey, what's that weird noise?"

"That would be people screaming in agony."

"Ah, okay." Tydus put away his guide and looked around. They were in the town square of a city of metal, sand, and recently, fire. The buildings looked like they had been constructed from a junk heap, and were ironically being returned to junk by the Yevonites and Guados. The ground was littered with dead and dying Al Bhed. One of these happened to be Cid.

"Dad!" said Rikku, running over to his wrecked body, "Are you okay?"

Suddenly, Cid was actually okay. He jumped up, and stood full of life before this group of people composed of a boy in extremely odd clothing, a geezer with a giant sword and bunny ears, a lady with a doll fetish and wearing what might have been fifty belts (none of which appeared to be holding up pants or the like), a mute Ronso who wore butterflies, and his daughter, Rikku, who had acquired some spiffy sunglasses.

"-Hoo boy, Rikku, who have you thrown your lot in with this time?-" Cid said in a ridiculous western accent, but he was smiling.

"This time?" said Tydus, "I didn't know she was a seasoned weirdo."

"Are you the summoner Brother told me Rikku was guarding?"

"Well, I am determined to kill Sin, but-"

"-Get him!-" Cid yelled, and a bunch of Al Bhed who had previously been hiding behind rubble jumped upon Tydus , and as utterly mighty as Tydus was, he just couldn't throw off the dozen or so crazy guys who quickly beat him unconscious. The rest of the group did not appear to try to help him in any way, but Tydus liked to think that they had been too busy fending off other Al Bhed.

When Tydus woke up he was in entirely different company. Unfortunately this included Dona. "Why, if it isn't the runt of the guardians of Kiddie Summoner Yuna."

"Didn't I make you cry the last time we met?"

"Shut up, you insolent fool!" She stormed off into a corner of what looked like a giant boiler room. They were probably deep inside the city.

"Well, she's got me pegged," thought Tydus. He spotted a friendlier face. "Hey, Isaaru! Do you know where we are?"

"Hello, Tydus," said Isaaru, walking over to him, "The Al Bhed call this the Summoner's Sanctum."

"This is a sanctum? It looks like crap. Why are we here?"

"The Al Bhed put us here to stop us from completing our pilgrimages."

"Well, that explains all those attempted kidnappings, but it doesn't explain why I'm here. I think Cid must have misinterpreted when I said I was determined to kill Sin."

"That would probably do it."

"So why are they stopping everyone's pilgrimaging? Sure it's dangerous and accomplishes absolutely nothing, but so what?"

"You are really very tactless, you know that?" Isaaru started walking away.

"Hey! When we all bust out of here and you finish your pilgrimage 'n stuff, we can go have beers or something!" This didn't seem to improve Isaaru's mood. Tydus would have pursued in this matter and perhaps have been educated further on the Final Summoning and what happens when a summoner uses it against Sin, but just then a bashful Cid opened a door at the other end of the room.

"C'mon, Tydus," said Rikku, following Cid into the room, "Home is falling apart, we gotta go."

"What about us summoners?" a random, nameless summoner asked.

"Yeah, I guess you should all come too."

As they walked out of the room Cid apologized. "Sorry. Sorry. Really sorry. Sorry."

"This isn't a drill, guys, let's go!" Rikku said impatiently. Everyone started running in a disorderly fashion, trampling, tripping, and punching each other in an attempt to get out before everyone else. "That's much better," said Rikku with a satisfied smile.

As they ran through the bowels of Home, dodging sudden bursts of fire and piles of rubble, Tydus started humming the theme of Mission Impossible. The others glared at him, but were too busy running to make him stop. They hurried up some stairs into a system of hallways that were drastically different from the rest of Home: they were very clean, very colorful, and very smooth. Most of the secondary characters filtered into various rooms, but the main characters followed Cid into what appeared to be the bridge of the Enterprise, where several Al Bhed were already seated in front of controls, pressing buttons and pulling levers and saying things like "-Starboard shields at eighty-six percent-" and "-Alpha, beta, PHI!-"

"Sooo, what are we doing?" Tydus asked.

"We're abandoning ship, in a manner of speaking." Cid paused. "Ha! I made a joke!"

"Er…"

"Don't worry, boy-o, I'll have you all out of this wreck of a city faster than a horse with its rear on fire!"

Tydus whispered to Rikku, "What is his problem?"

"He had an accident when he was 15 involving a waffle iron and a scale model of the Tower of Babel. Now he thinks he's a cowboy," Rikku replied.

"Er…"

The airship they were in gave a great lurch and heaved itself out of its hangar. "Holy crap!" said everyone.

"Ah, well, if you're gonna use sand for fuel," said Cid, "you're gonna have to expect a rather bumpy ride, what with the inconsistencies and all…"

"Sand?" everyone thought, and some people said.

"Yeah, I mean it's only covering the entire island! Now let's go! Prepare the flux shields! Start the hyperbolic particle motor. Spin those elliptical wheelie-dealies!"

"-What?-"

"-Get this thing going! And learn some English!-"

"-Yessir!-"

The ship rocketed away from the destroyed city quite fast-like, but occasionally dropped fifty feet or spun around a bit. When they were far enough away Cid said, "-Arm the huge-blast cannons!- Say goodbye, Home!"

"Crack! Sizzle! Pop!" said Home.

"-Fire!-"

No less than fifty tactical missiles shot out of the airship at once, headed for the city. Tydus then thought of something. "Hey, what about Wakka?"

"Oops."

There was a huge explosion.

Somewhere near the recently obliterated Al Bhed city, Wakka's hair was on fire. "Too much hair gel!" he yelled as he ran around in circles. Then he was suddenly wet. He looked up. There was a huge, brightly colored machina ship hanging in the air above him. Lulu was hanging out of a hatch, having just casted Waterga.

"Um, thanks?"

Once aboard Wakka asked, "Why did you blow up your home?"

Cid shrugged. "Felt like it."

"So where's Yuna?" Tydus asked.

"Why should we know?" said Cid.

"The guide says you have a tracker that can -- Oh, never mind. Let's just go to Bevelle."

In Bevelle…

"Answer me this," Yuna said with growing rage. She was in a dressing room with many priestesses getting her ready for her wedding. "What the _HELL_ am I doing here?!"

----------------------------------------------

That's what I thought.

(whiddershins counterclockwise. I use it because it is fun to use)


	16. Such a Happy Couple, Kill Seymour Vol2

Chapter 16 --- Such a Happy Couple (Kill Seymour, Volume 2)

In the beautiful fluffy clouds over Bevelle a shiny and colorful machine was cruising toward the temple where many comically dressed priests were awaiting the political marriage of two big shots. This was somehow supposed to make everyone happy, but the marriage really isn't what's important, as it will be gate crashed and ruined anyway. What is important is that Bevelle's guardian beast Evrae, a.k.a. the giant flying carpet, noticed the airship, decided it was hostile despite the innocent manner in which it was defying gravity, and defied gravity itself by flying up to meant it.

"What an ugly carpet that is," said Rikku, looking out one of the airship's side windows.

"What? Where?" Wakka asked, joining her. Auron followed with a suspicious look on his face, and everyone else followed because they had nothing better to do.

"Over there. That big reddish thing that's making faces at us."

"The nerve!" said Tydus, "We must defend our honor!"

"We have honor?" Lulu said with mock surprise.

"Shut up," Tydus muttered.

"We have to fight it anyway," said Auron, "because it's the guardian of Bevelle, which is an important place for the Yevonites, who hate us."

"Okay, genius, and how do you suppose we do that? We're thousands of feet in the air. And don't say gun turrets, we can't all magically learn good marksmanship in a few minutes."

"I don't even know what gun turrets are—"

"And _definitely_ don't say close combat on the roof. That's just stupid. The gun turrets are better than that."

"Good news!" said Cid, looking up from some complicated instruments, "According to the sensors, we are low enough in the atmosphere that you can all breathe relatively comfortably outside!"

"Er… yay?"

"Get your asses out there and defend the ship!"

This was answered with much grumbling, but the "heroes" trudged away nonetheless. Tydus ran into Rin standing near the door to the bridge.

"Hello," said Rin, "Would you like to buy something useful before you fight to save us again?"

"Shouldn't you be supportive and give me things for free?"

"Like they would make it that easy."

"And who uses distillers? Really?"

"People scoffed at Hyper, too," Rin said with a smug smile, and he walked into the nearest compartment to try to sell to the newly homeless Al Bhed.

By the time they reached the door that led to the roof platform Tydus had had his second doubts and was, in fact, well into his fifth and sixth doubts. "I hope no one's afraid of heights," he said as the door opened. Decompression threw them onto the deck face first. "Wow, it's sunny up here."

"'Bout freaking time, bee-otches!" said Evrae, swooping closer.

"How's the air out there, cowpokes?" said Cid cheerfully over the intercom. "No one's getting the bends, are they?"

"The what?" the group replied. "Cowpokes?" thought Tydus.

"Sound all right. So, you guys can tell us on the bridge what to do, but only in Al Bhed, so just Rikku and Tydus. Also, talking completely wastes a turn. Have fun!"

"Wait, he can speak English perfectly fine!" said Tydus, "What's up with that?"

"If you want to ask him it'll cost you a turn," Evrae said irratibly, "'cuz we are fighting now!"

"Crap."

It started with Tydus casting Hastega on himself, Auron, and Kimahri, but within an annoying short amount of turns Evrae moved away from the ship and out of reach from their melee attacks. Kimahri's butterflies were not up to flying and the guardian beast was not close enough to get the full effect of Auron's glare and Tydus's hair flipping.

"Maybe if I throw my sword at it…" Tydus started, but stopped at the stern looks from the others. "-Hey, Cid, pull up!-"

"Righto, just gotta wait 'till I get a turn!"

"To add to the annoyance," Tydus grumbled.

While they waited Tydus casted Haste on everyone else and let Wakka and Lulu go at it. No sooner had he done this that Evrae casted Haste on itself.

"What?!" said Tydus, "How uncool." After trying several times to slow it and missing, he yelled in frustration.

Finally, it was Cid's turn. He did a beautiful slide right into the monster's giant, ugly, plush face. "Ew," said everyone.

Evrae responded by swooping away, hitting them with its tail as it went. Tydus yelled again.

"Hey, Tydus, how about healing us, now that you have Cure?" Wakka suggested. Tydus did so, and a +150 showed over Wakka. "Wow. Nevermind, then."

"Shut up," said Tydus.

Now it was Cid's turn again. "Let's blow this sucker up! -Fire!-" A barrage of missiles with the proven ability to level a city unleashed its fiery doom on the guardian of Bevelle.

"I'll be back!" cried Evrae as it dissolved into thousands of pyreflies.

"Cid, what was that?" Tydus demanded, "Why didn't you do that in the first place?!"

"Sorry, this airship runs on Windows XP and, I might remind you, sand, so it tends to inconveniently malfunction. But it's a dream at hovering! Great for sword-on-claw fighting, eh?"

"Yeah…"

"Anyway, we're in Bevelle, so get ready for a stylishly late and totally impossible entrance."

Tydus suddenly grinned unreasonably widely. "I have a _plan_."

----

On the high roofs of the Bevelle temple…

"This is the creepiest wedding ever," said Yuna.

"Shhh," said the many priests in ridiculous outfits who were dragging her toward the, er, "altar", with as much grace and majesty as they could muster. It was about as graceful as tripping over a rock into the Grand Canyon and as majestic as a homeless guy on the city sidewalk waving a sign reading "teh end is neer!" Oh well.

Then she caught sight of Seymour among all the priests and nearly fell over entirely. "Wow, he makes the priests look normal," Yuna thought. Seymour was wearing huge robes of black and red with a fluffy white cravat. He had stuffed his incredibly pointy blue hair into what looked like a party hat that matched his robes. The hair was actually sticking out of the top of the hat. "You have to wonder: do they _know_ they look so stupid?" She, fortunately, was wearing a sensible wedding dress, perhaps the only obvious clue that this was a wedding.

Seymour saw her stumbling down the aisle of priests and made a strained smile. Yuna spared a hand from resisting the priests to give him the finger. One would like to assume Seymour was initially worried that the dress was impeding his fiancé's walking and was assuaged by Yuna's evidence that she simply wanted to walk like that, but who really knows?

As Yuna climbed the last few steps priests started losing their thought trains to stare at the sky. Seymour frowned. "Bored already?" he thought, even as the pyreflies fell like a cross between roman candles and snow.

Then two enormous hooks on chains shot out of the clouds and sunk deep into a nearby building. The people of the congregation followed the chains up to the airship that carried the party crashers.

"Okay, the ship is attached to the building, as per your instructions, Tydus," said Cid, "Now what?"

"Now," Tydus said, pausing for dramatic effect, "We chain surf down into the mob of priests and soldiers and slaughter our way to Yuna! And kill Seymour again if we get the chance." He stood proudly in front of the others, who were shocked by what an absolutely horrible idea it was.

"You can't be serious," said Auron, laughing at the idiocy, "There's no such thing as chain surfing!"

"I just made it up," Tydus admitted sheepishly. He straightened up, looking bright. "But it doesn't matter! It's a cut scene, anyone can do anything in a cut scene as long as it's in the script! Anyway, I saw us do it in a commercial, so you _know_ it's true."

Back at the roof wedding, everyone was waiting for the chain assault to come to something. A group of priests at the back of the crowd huddled down and started playing strip poker to lose, it being a hot and sunny day. Finally, Yuna's guardians were seen to be, of all things, sliding down the chains with an ease that suggested much practice, and indeed, many priests were fooled into thinking they knew what they were doing. Those in the know knew it was just a cut scene.

Tydus sang the Mission Impossible theme again as he hopped the chains with his eyes closed. He was chewing gum, too.

Unfortunately, the cut scene gave out too soon and the group ate concrete. The people who had thought they knew what they were doing were very relieved that they had not made any actions based on that assumption, like running away shamefully.

When Tydus lifted his face he was rewarded with the barrel of a gun up his nose. "An ak47? Whad's up wid dat?" The gun was removed, but still held close.

"Hey, guys!" said Kinoc from the steps near Seymour and Yuna, thankfully dressed in what could be called the normal fashion. "Most of Yevon's military is here, too! Say hi to the new equipment!"

"I'm starting to not feel so bad about being a traitor," said Wakka grimly.

"Good!" said Tydus, "You see? Everything would work out this smoothly if people listened to me more often." The others looked at the guns with concern. "Pfft! Don't worry! I _know_ about guns and I'm not worried. These'll do around 200 damage. That's piddly to our mighty HP and my new healing skills!"

The others smirked.

"So you wouldn't mind a bullet up your nose?" Kinoc said in his irritatingly cheerful voice.

"Um... no?"

Seymour smiled evilly. "Woot! I win! Eat that, protagonists!" He then made to kiss Yuna, but instead hit her staff. "Where did that come from?"

"That's not the staff she's been using…" said Tydus, "It's that crappy one with no stat bonuses." The Playstation made a visible shrug.

"So you only agreed to marry me to get a chance to send me?" Seymour asked sadly.

"What? No! Get it straight! I NEVER agreed to marry you. And with the sending, the opportunity just kinda presented itself."

"Oh, well, if you insist; send me and they kill your friends! Ha!"

"I repeat," Tydus interrupted, "The guns are not in the least life-threatening." Everyone ignored him.

"Oh, yeah?" said Yuna, dropping her staff and stepping near the edge of the roof, "If you kill them then I jump!"

"Er…" said her guardians.

"It's okay, I can fly."

"If you'll be okay then it's really a moot point to jump," said Seymour.

"Too late!" Yuna jumped.

"Hey, did anyone else know she could fly?" Rikku asked.

"What?" said Tydus, totally shocked, "I thought that was just one of those many things I didn't know! Like how blitzball players have gills!"

"I think she was planning to summon Valefor to fly for her," said Auron.

"But her staff is right there…" said Wakka, pointing near Tydus's feet.

"…"

----

"Well crap," said Yuna, arms crossed as she plummeted head first from the temple. Suddenly, a deus ex machina that looked suspiciously like Valefor flew out of the sky to catch her, then it dropped her off in roughly the same spot she had jumped from.

"That was _really_ moot, wasn't it," Seymour said, amused.

"Shut up."

"And now you can't even send me!"

"Aw, pudding."

"So. Arrest all of them, and my new wife, too, because now that I have her I don't want her anymore." Seymour turned and went through a door.

"When did we get married?"

"Hey, take note," said Tydus as they were dragged off by robots, "I'm not the one who screwed up this time."

"Well, I got a new aeon, which balances that horrible negotiation strategy."

"When did you do that?"

"Earlier," she said vaguely.

Lulu had a coughing fit that sounded oddly like "plot hole."

"It should be called Waffles," said Tydus.

"What? Why?" said the others.

"Because he looks like waffles."

"How do you know?"

"Player's guide!" Tydus made a big smile and flapped his guide, though he knew it would just look like an odd hand gesture. Everyone shook their heads.

"I suppose it wouldn't hurt," said Yuna, "Not like Prissy…"

"Woo!" Tydus did his performance and with a POOF, they had an aeon named Waffles.

A while later they were separated and put in pairs into weird suspended cells to await trial. "Gosh, how nice of them," Tydus said bitterly, in a cell with Auron. He sighed. "So, who's up for waffles?"

----

A few hours later Kinoc came by in time for cold leftover waffles. Slightly hurt, he decided to take it out on Auron. "Betcha never thought we'd be in this situation, eh, Auron?"

"Get over it, chubby," said Tydus, "You just hate him because everyone knows he's better than you."

"I do not—"

"Yes, you do. Go away now." He waved his hand belittlingly.

Kinoc looked like he was going to cry, but instead he ran out the way he came in. Auron stared at Tydus. "Zanarkand must have been a freaky place."

"Yes," Tydus said thoughtfully, "Yes it is."

"Was."

"Whatever." Then he thought, "So now Zanarkand is weirder than Spira… how backwards." He proceeded to say many things that sounded insightful, but were really just big words strung together and said in a meaningful way. The others threw their plastic forks at him to shut him up.

Soon after, an AK47-weilding guard came in and opened all their cells. "Hey," he said, sounding slightly nervous and embarrassed, "You're all cordially invited to your trial. Maester Kinoc was supposed to take you, but apparently there was a problem…"

"He and Dona should start a support group, the wusses," Tydus muttered.

They followed the guard into a mysterious courtroom that was mostly copper curves framing the night sky and dimly lit by magic. "This would make a cool law show," said Lulu.

"No more law shows!" Tydus shouted, savagely chucking bricks at Lulu.

"-Get him!-" said someone we can only assume was in the position to say it, because many Al Bhed mobbed Tydus.

"Not again!" Tydus grumbled as he was completely overtaken by Al Bhed for the third time.

"Riiight," said Mika from his position of power. "So. Yuna, you can speak in defense of you and your guardians, but I'll be honest, this is merely a formality as we are not in the mood to listen to people tell us we're wrong. By the way, Auron, nice ears…" Many people in the court snickered. The braver ones outright laughed. Auron made a mental note to kill all of them regardless.

Yuna shook her head. "Yeah… Okay, well, I just want to say you're a bunch of dickheads! Yeah, we killed Seymour, but besides the fact that he's obviously evil and killed his father to boot, he was constantly trying to get me to marry him to the point that he forced me! Furthermore, he's dead! We're on _trial_ for it! Why the hell don't you care?!"

"Uh-huh, see, most of us are dead," said Mika. At this Maester Kelk Ronso fainted from shock and Mika puffed a few pyreflies out of agitation. "Kelk's not too far behind, either."

"Shucks," said Wakka, "There goes the only noble one."

"Right, just so we're all on the same page, the Maesters are evil and you are traitors of Yevon. Just be thankful that you guys are the protagonists, or we'd flat out behead you or something. As it is, you're all going to the Via Purifico where you will either die a horrible death or come out enlightened and totally loyal to Yevon. 'Bye now!" The robot audience clapped and cheered.

"… Yay?"

----

"So get in the water!" said a guard behind Tydus. Upon the discovery that three of the group could swim, Maester Mika decided it would be cool to try out the new water style Via Purifico with them, and so here they were.

"What, no cement shoes?" The guard pushed him in, unamused, and went away.

Tydus swam over to Wakka and Rikku. "So… This is fun…"

----

And Yuna was shoved into the ancient and crumbling original Via Purifico, where, apparently, they had hidden the rest of her guardians like easter eggs.

"Well, Waffles, let's get to it," she said with a sigh. Tydus had told her before they had been split up that there were impending aeon battles, so she decided to beef up her aeons. Besides, physically attacking fiends was laughable and though healing them might make them die of laughter, she doubted it. Until she found Lulu, Auron, and Kimahri she would use Waffles's buffness and super pointy blue nose to decimate all the fiends that just happened to be crawling all over the Via Purifico.

"It's awfully fortunate that we are such capable fighters," Yuna said to Waffles.

Waffles grunted in agreement.

"And I don't see how fiends are supposed to subjugate people for Yevon."

Waffles made a skeptic grunt.

"You know what I think? I think they don't expect people to come out of here."

Waffles rolled his eyes.

Eventually, Yuna did find Lulu and Kimahri, and found Auron near an important-looking tunnel.

"There must be an exit somewhere," Auron said with frustration. Waffles beat his flat forehead on the wall. "Nice aeon, by the way. Is beating his head against the wall part of some super attack?"

"No idea. Let's go look for that exit." Thirty minutes later they finally tried the important-looking tunnel. Waffles's forehead was very sore by this time, but the others still had a high opinion of him due to his ability to whoop ass.

At the other end of the tunnel was Isaaru. He looked slightly nervous. "Uh, in the name of Yevon, drop dead?" he said, like he was pleading with them.

Yuna summoned the rest of her aeons, even Prissy. "Please don't hurt me! Seymour made me do it!" Isaaru ran off.

"So what now?" Lulu asked.

"It's time to make myself a widow," Yuna said dangerously.

"Technically, you are already a widow, as Seymour is already dead," said Auron.

"I hope I'm in his will…"

"Well, there's a sign over there. It says 'to Seymour' going that way, and 'to man-eating kittens' going the other way."

"Which one did Isaaru go down?"

"The man-eatting kittens one," said Lulu with a shudder.

The pilgrims heard a horrible and unmanly screech.

"Guess he didn't see the sign." Auron led them down the passage that led to Seymour, looking nonchalant.

Back with the rest of the group Tydus was swimming. And swimming. And swimming. God, Tydus, could you swim any slower?! Anyway, they shortly ran into Evrae. That is, Evrae Altana, who was a zombie swimming carpet as opposed to the red flying carpet it had once been.

"I'm back, bee-otches!" it roared, "Surprised?"

"No," said Tydus.

The zombie-fied Evrae deflated considerably. "Why not?"

"For one, it's in my guide. For two, you said you would."

"Ah. Well… DIE!"

Tydus chucked several Phoenix Downs at it and it died before it got five feet. He thought he saw a tear before the beast disappeared.

"That's the last we'll see of him," he said confidently.

"You really shouldn't say that," said Rikku.

"Why not? I am one hundred percent sure of it."

"Uh-huh."

"Yes."

"Okay."

"I am positive."

"Shut up, Tydus."

A long swim later and they were reunited with the rest of the group, plus Seymour dragging around Kinoc's corpse.

"Oh, hello there," Tydus said brightly.

"Oh my god! He killed Kinoc! You bastard!" said Auron, looking aghast. He took an exceptionally large brick to the head for that.

"My gift to him," said Seymour, "Death is great! Everyone die! It's the 'in' thing."

"I'm not sure about your choice of husband, Yuna."

"Ha ha, Tydus."

"Hey, harken unto this." Tydus climbed onto a bench. "This will be the second time we kill Seymour. It won't be the last. This is fact."

"What if we don't kill him, eh?"

"Then it's game over. Press reset and try again."

"Your constant belief that our lives are run by an imaginary book is getting on my nerves."

"Let's just kill Seymour; we can't get anywhere 'till we do."

Long story short, they defeated Seymour, and it was NOT THAT HARD. "That's the last we'll see of him," said Rikku.

"Actually—"

"Shut up, Tydus."

In the end they were driven out of Bevelle by angry mobs and were once again in Macalania Woods. What horrors await them in the forest of shinies this time?!


	17. Smoochy Scene

Chapter 17 --- Smoochy Scene

They only stopped running into the forest when they had reached the middle, because then, you see, they were running out of the forest. They were forced to stop anyway when Lulu tripped rather gracelessly over a belt and sprained an ankle.

Yuna sighed. "I think this is a great opportunity for me to wander away to feel sorry and alone," she said, walking back toward the center of Macalania Woods.

"Hey!" Lulu called after her, "How about fixing my ankle first!" But Yuna was already out of earshot. Or perhaps she was just ignoring her.

"I'll go get her," said Tydus, "I want to hurry and get out of these horrible butterfly-infested woods."

As Tydus left the clearing they had stopped in, he realized that he had no idea where Yuna had gone, and wasted much time wandering around (at one point wandering back into Bevelle, where he was beaten with inflatable fruit) before he remembered his player's guide. Under its detailed instruction Tydus finally reached a still pond with a tree sticking out of it. To set the mood, it was suddenly a cloudless night and everything was glowing five times stronger. Yuna was standing waist-deep in the water, completely soaked.

"Um, Yuna? What are you doing?"

"Swimming."

"Figures you cave men wouldn't have developed swimsuits yet," Tydus mumbled.

"Eh?"

"Nothing. Let's make out underwater."

"Whatever."

The pond inexplicably became a great deal deeper, the glowing intensified even more, strange music started playing from a mysterious source, Yuna developed gills of her own, and as awkward as it seems they made out underwater. The full moon was close enough to drown Spira in tsunamis. Little motes filled the water and electric eels swam around artfully like something out of the Little Mermaid, and one would almost expect every animal in the vicinity to start singing. They probably would have but it would have clashed with the aforementioned music.

When Tydus and Yuna finished there was a quiet only disturbed by a cricket who had just left the nearby cricket bar and was quite drunk. Also, Seymour could be heard crying from behind some bushes.

"O-oooh! Yuna, how c-could you?!" the dead maester sobbed.

Yuna whirled around. "Christ, Seymour! This is _not _a soap opera! It's an RPG!"

Seymour stared at her pitiless glare with true and uncharacteristic despair for a moment, then ran off through the woods crying "My wife's already cheating on me! Why, God, why?!" His miserable whining stopped quite suddenly when he was killed by a Macalania butterfly, but Tydus and Yuna heard his voice again shortly afterward, in quite a different tone. "God damn it! That's the seventh time today!"

"Killing Seymour seems to be a bit of a running gag now," Tydus said thoughtfully.

Yuna scowled. "Whatever. Let's just go back to camp."

As they walked past a bush Tydus saw movement behind it.

"Un! Kimahri! You perv! Stop smiling!"

Kimahri shrugged and fell in step behind the demon-summoning witch and the figment of someone else's imagination.

A new day dawned on the radioactive swamp of Macalania, and as a fresh start in his adventures into stupidity Tydus set off in the wrong direction. When queried, he tried patiently to explain that his guide had told him to go that way. I say "tried" because the rest of the group stopped him at the word "guide". In spite of the many proofs that the guide was all-knowing the rest of the group refused to go out of their way to follow it.

What Tydus found during his trailblazing did not exactly make his day. "A Jecht Sphere?! God, no!" He was just about to run back to the group like all hell was behind him when Auron stepped out from behind a tree.

"Tydus, do it. The survival of the group depends on it"

"I thought it just gave you better overdrives."

"Which in turn accounts for the only hope this group has of surviving. Now view the sphere."

"Fine, whatever." With a shudder, Tydus somehow turned it on. Some modern young scientists think he "pushed the X button," but the older scientists managed to convince them otherwise using various blunt objects. In any case, this is what Tydus saw:

The view looked to be from a security camera (with a little timer and everything in the corner of the vision) in a top corner of a room, where it gave the best perspective of what was going on. There was a small jail cell sticking out of the wall containing the infamous Jecht, who was snoring loudly. Tydus thought this was quite appropriate.

Soon a guard walked in and approached the cell door. "Hey, Zanarkand Man, shut up with the snoring, you have visitors."

Jecht perked up quickly. "Someone in this hellhole really _does_ care for my well being!"

A young version of Auron stepped into the room and Jecht's face fell.

"I have a feeling I'm not gonna like you."

"Don't worry," Braska said cheerily, following Auron and wearing his gigantic and silly robes, "No one likes Auron much at first, but he grows on you. Like fungus."

"Er," said Auron. He really hasn't changed much…

"Sooo, who are you guys?" Jecht asked, "My lawyers?" At this thought he glanced doubtfully at the ridiculous headdress Braska was wearing.

"I haven't a clue what a lawyer is. I am Braska, a summoner, and this is Auron, my guardian. Together we are a publicity stunt targeting the outcast demographic. Outcasts make great summoners, you see. No ones cares if they die (and if they succeed, this is a guarantee) and they get to be heroes! Win-win situation!"

Jecht blinked.

"I tried to do this priest's daughter, and Auron refused to marry her. But we know that she just wasn't Auron's _type_. Eh? Eh?" Braska nudged Auron with his elbow.

"For the last time, Braska, I am not gay. I am just extremely single-minded, getting married is just not part of my limited programming. The tough guy act is about all I know; I am a 2D character."

"At least you're a main character. I only show up in these stupid spheres where I am portrayed as an amiable idiot who actually believes Jecht is worth something."

Jecht blinked again. "What is a summer-ner?"

"Oh look, a gray hair," Auron said dryly.

The scene blacked out.

"Well that wasn't so bad," Tydus said, pocketing the sphere and heading back to the group.

"For you, maybe," Auron mumbled.


	18. Not So Calm Lands

The chapters just keep getting longer!

-----------------------------

Chapter 18 --- Not So Calm Lands

Yuna stepped out of the trees and smiled widely. Taking a deep breath, she spread her arms dramatically and said, "The Calm Lands. So amazingly calm that summoners just up and quit their pilgrimage right here and now." She attempted another grand step and tripped over a Mog. "Lulu! Stop leaving your toys everywhere!"

"They are strategic mage aids, and I previously sent that one ahead to scout. I was wondering where it had got to." Lulu put her hands on her hips, causing more dolls to fall out from under her mass of belts.

"Oh shut up. I saw you throw that through the trees ten minutes ago!"

Still more dolls fell as Lulu twiddled her thumbs innocently. Yuna gave an angry sigh. Taking another step she found herself initiating a random encounter with what looked like something that would make monster babies cry.

"Unholy crap!" Tydus exclaimed, "That's disgusting!"

The giant Malboro to which he was referring, festooned with just about anything that could be described as "hideous" and colored in a manner that suggested "swamp monster from the Hell of a dimension lacking rainbows and little kitties," was bigger than any aeon Yuna currently possessed and also smelled ten times worse than the worst smell anyone in the group had hitherto had the misfortune to get a whiff of (several years ago Rikku's dad had encouraged her to try experimental cooking).

The monster then expelled a smell ten times worse than the group's new worst smell, an attack aptly named Bad Breath. Whoever had not flat-out fainted was now utterly dazed and confused. Annoyingly enough this counted as a Game Over and the group disappeared. We can assume that, in the absence of our heroes, Seymour and/or Sin would eventually obliterate the world. However, a few seconds later the they reappeared at their last save point, all in perfect health, causing much angst in the science world as well as several circles of evil.

"Good thing I'm so obsessed with saving," said Tydus happily. With that said he set his face in what he hoped resembled a look of steady resolve and took a running leap into the enormous, and enormously boring, Calm Lands once again.

When he reached ground level on the plains he was immediately run over by some sort of crude mechanical hovercraft which proceeded in its random acts of violence by smashing into the rock wall that surrounded the area.

"Hey, Tydus, are you okay?" Yuna called from above, having yet to run to Tydus's aid.

"No," Tydus said weakly from inside his shallow grave.

"You're supposed to say 'Yes.' 'No' means you need assistance."

"I need assistance!"

"-_I_ can be of assistance!-" said the owner of the hovercraft in a manner that suggested that he might have a different definition of the word. He was crawling out of the burning wreckage wearing an overly pleasant smile and a garish suit now mostly in taters. "-As a matter of fact, I have just the thing for this situation!-"

"Will it stop my severe internal bleeding?" Tydus mumbled without any hope. The man had an amazing way of seeming to say the exact opposite of the truth, while still trying to sound sincere.

"Possibly," the Al Bhed said thoughtfully, switching to what we will call English. Tydus groaned. "But wait! I have many unbelievably useful items at ridiculously low prices!" Tydus groaned louder. It felt like ages since he had last had the misfortune of getting talked at by a salesman. Leave it to the Al Bhed to bring up the nastier parts of advanced civilization. "I don't even have a door anymore!" Tydus thought.

"Oh, let's listen to him, Tydus," said Yuna, "he could have items that are vitally important to our pilgrimage!"

"Indeed!" said the salesman, bobbing his head vigorously as he reached back into the latest addition to Spira's rubble and pulled out a strange silver contraption with a flourish.

Tydus blinked. "It's a box of floss," he said flatly.

"But not only a box, and not just any floss. This is the Mint Floss X-treme! All the power of a jackhammer packed into a thin string scientifically engineered to leave the space between your teeth feeling minty-clean!"

"And the box? What about it?" Yuna asked eagerly, still expecting the little chunk of metal to suddenly lay golden eggs or possibly warp into a weapon that could conquer Sin.

"What _not_ about it! It is made of the highest quality stainless steel and each one has an original design hand crafted by the finest jewelers in Spira!"

"What's with the aster—"

"And there are extra features in this fine product that you won't find with any other of the kind! Look close! On one end is a refillable Super Eraser guaranteed to erase some pencil marks! On the other end it has airport-safe nail clippers!"

"'Airport-safe?'" said Tydus, "Does that mean there's an airport somewhere?"

"Well, no, not as such, but—"

"Is there even any security at this imaginary airport?"

"Er... what?"

"I could strangle you right now with the floss!"

The salesman whimpered.

"I've seen better sales pitches for subscriptions to Socks Monthly!" Tydus flipped his hair menacingly. The Al Bhed finally broke and ran away babbling across the peaceful fields.

Tydus shrugged. "I suppose I shouldn't have expected much of a fight. He's probably not used to anyone getting the better of him, as no one here knows what a salesman is." He flashed a significant look at the rest of the group, who glared at him for being condescending.

"What _is_ a salesman?" Yuna asked.

"It's a job class that has no offensive, defensive, or moral value, save throwing them at enemies, using them as shields, or lighting them on fire, respectively. And even then, pieces of wood would do the job better and wouldn't complain as much."

The group stared at him.

"What?" he asked innocently.

----

Elsewhere, on a shoopuf...

"Turn this shoopuf upriver or I'll clip off your nose with these nail clippers!"

"Oh my!"

----

Back in the Calm Lands the merry pilgrims finally reached the save sphere at the trading post in the middle of the plains. Around it was what looked like a chunk of market with another Al Bhed sleeping behind the counter.

"Huzzah!" said Tydus, "A McDonalds in the middle of the Sahara!" He paused while the others stared at him. "A McDonalds is—"

"We know what a McDonalds is!" Yuna snapped at him. "What's a Sahara?"

Tydus sighed. "Oh, look over there! Some guy is coming!"

"Father Zuke!" the man called back.

"'Father'?"

"Yes," Father Zuke said with finality. "I have hunted you down with the sole purpose of asking for your side of the story, though I imagine it will make you feel better that someone who isn't a fellow protagonist, nay, not even a character worth mentioning would think about your feelings. So, did you guys really kill Maester Kinoc?"

"What?!" said Yuna.

"Typical," said Lulu.

"Kinoc was killed?" said Tydus.

"Yes! Seymour was dragging his dead body around like a hunting trophy!" Yuna waved her hands around expressively.

"When was this?"

"Before we killed Seymour the second time!"

"Oh, I must have forgotten, what with all the kiling and such involved. Wait, who was Kinoc again?"

"A maester! Short fat guy whom Auron is superior to!"

"Oh, yeah... Wait, no..."

Yuna sighed heavily.

"I can see that I will not be remembered long," Zuke said sadly.

Tydus turned and squinted at him. "Who're you?"

Yuna hit him on the head with her staff, then turn to Zuke and said flatly, "We didn't kill Kinoc. That was probably just dissention in the ranks. There's a big conspiracy that we uncovered, so naturally they are calling us traitors, and, since they happen to be the ones in authority, they are absolutely right."

"We probably would have killed Kinoc eventually if no one else was going bother," said Auron. He bent closer to Zuke and said quietly, "Does this make you feel any better?"

"Er..." Zuke shank under the outcasts' stares.

"Errr..." he repeated. He began shuffling from their sight it what he thought to be a very stealthy way. "Well, I see you are all rather busy with this overthrow-the-foundation-of-our-civilization thing," he said hurriedly, still edging away while they continued to watch him passively, "I won't impede you anymore."

Father Zuke turned and ran. In this way the group lost what might have been their only supporter, not that they cared anymore.

"Hum..." Tydus sighed. "Waffles..."

"Maybe we should get going," Auron said, "It's not like we need to sleep or eat or bathe."

"Wait, you don't bathe?" Lulu asked, stepping back a little. "I thought something smelled a little off last ni—"

"Of course I bathe, we just don't really need to, to survive, you know... Did you know that cavemen didn't have soap?"

"Speaking of cavemen..." Tydus muttered.

"What was that?" said half the group sharply in unison. Tydus staggered slightly.

And so the conversation digressed into several loud exchanges of insults that, if graphically represented by color-coded arrows, would resemble the kind of web made by a spider on crack and a very unusual diet. They were so busy with verbal abuse (Kimahri was managing a vicious growl), that the Al Bhed who had been patiently standing next to the small shop finally walked over and coughed politely.

The group stopped short and turned to stare at him. With all six pairs of eyes (Tydus was looking at clouds) on him he became rather nervous. "-Um, hello... uh, Cid sent me to tell you all that the airship is, well, busted, so you can't go anywhere your little black hearts desire yet... sorry. My name is Jaga, by the way.-"

"Awww," said everyone who understood Al Bhed.

"-Unbelievable!-" said Tydus, his attention snagged from a cloud formation that looked suspiciously like someone's father, or maybe God. "-Lazy _and_ irresponsible!-"

"-Um,-" said Jaga, because Al Bhed even mumble in their own language, "-The airship got trashed while helping _you_ on your insane crusade in Bevelle, and, uh, Cid is currently in intensive care, otherwise he would have come and told you himself, and, uh, said hello to his niece and daughter.-"

"..." said everyone, including those who didn't understand Al Bhed.

"Zing!" said Lulu.

"Oh dear," said Rikku.

"What'd he say?" said Yuna.

Auron sighed.

"Hey!" said Wakka, trying desperately to ignore Jaga, "There's something shiny over there!" He was pointing toward one of the jutting rocks of the Calm Lands nearby which was, infuriatingly, outside of the safe zone of the trading post. But Wakka preferred Malboros to Al Bhed.

"Over where?" Tydus, instead of paying attention, was intently watching the head-shaped cloud apparently eating several waffle-shaped clouds with a fork shaped cloud as a Ms. Butterworth cloud floated past serenely.

"That place that's not here." He started to lead them to it. "C'mon! It's shockingly obvious, brightly so. Rare bits, I shouldn't doubt."

Tydus lost stride. "What are rarebits?"

"Don't know."

They approached the source of Wakka's salvation, Jaga completely forgotten, its reflected light standing out from the shadow of the gigantic curved spike. "Mutated raptor toe!" Tydus noted happily.

"There's a note by it," said Yuna. She bent down to pick it up, then read aloud, "'I have better things to do than standing here waiting for you heroes to show up. I may be dead but that doesn't mean I don't have a life. Here's your prize for beating me. –Belgemine'"

"Er..." said the group.

"Hey, it's an Aeon's Soul!" said Tydus, "Now we can customize our aeons as well as weapons."

"An aeon's _soul?!_" Yuna exclaimed.

"Metaphorically speaking, I suppose. I don't think it's gooey enough to be an actual soul." Tydus paused thoughtfully. "You know, it'd probably be better if we didn't make the aeons stronger, what with them being lying backstabbers and such."

"What?" said everyone.

"Look, a chocobo!"

"Oh dear." Yuna sighed as she searched for the chocobo-shaped bit of reality Tydus was claiming existed.

---------

"Indeed, it is a P2C2E," Tydus replied, "With too much of an Iffing and a Butting, these chocobos."

"How irksome, this Iffing and Butting," Yuna exclaimed, with an exaggerated air of mania.

"Perhaps we should cancel our subscription," Wakka suggested, taking up the steps to the Mexican Hat dance. "I don't think I can handle more of this Sha of Blah madness."

"Ahoy citizens," called a voice from behind. "May, I present the talking chocobo."

------------------

Sure enough, there was a chocobo complete with eskimo rider jogging around expectantly. Of course, the only thing an NPC ever expects is a PC, so seeing Tydus running toward her with a mad look in his eyes actually gave the eskimo a sense of fulfillment and happiness, whereas most normal people would run quickly in the other direction. The chocobo, at least, chittered nervously.

"Chocoboooo!" Tydus cried, rushing forward and grasping the gigantic bird around its feathery yellow neck in a suffocating hug. "Ever since I rescued most of them from the evil clutches of the Crusaders I've missed–them–so–much!" he continued with the air of a little boy finding his lost puppy, accenting the last few words with an attempt to swing the chocobo every which way.

"Grack!" said the chocobo.

"Um," said the eskimo, "What are you doing?"

"Hugging the chocobo!" replied Tydus enthusiastically. "And what are you doing?"

"Training chocobos." The rider gestured at the empty field behind her.

"I see..."

"No you don't. No one ever does," the eskimo muttered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing!"

"Hey, Tydus!" Yuna called, running up beside him. She gave him a stern look and said, "Will there be and riots today?"

"I don't know," Tydus said. He was still looking at the field, as if hoping the chocobos were just hiding in the grass. This was wholly impossible, but, as Tydus knew well, there were also many fiends in there somewhere. He looked back at the eskimo expectantly, then squinted at her. "Do I know you?"

"Erm..." said the eskimo.

"Hey! You're one of those blitzball players-for-hire! And one of the better ones, too."

"Tydus," said Yuna, "this is no time for blitzball."

"I know, just let me hire her so we don't have to come back to this annoyingly huge place later." Tydus search through his guide for the blitzball section and after reading through the whole thing twice he discovered how to hire Svania. He pressed the square button.

Nothing happened.

Tydus pressed the button again, and bore through the chocobo trainer's head with a confused stare. She just sat on her chocobo, looking around at the grass. Tydus tried again, standing in several different spots around the big yellow bird, with the same results.

"Oh, come on!" he exclaimed, and began mashing buttons randomly.

Auron hurried over. "Tydus, what're you—"

Everything went black.

"Who turned out the lights?" said Rikku from where the rest of the group was standing.

"It's the wrath of Yevon, come to smite us!" Wakka wailed.

"It's probably just Sin's fat ass blocking the sun."

"..."

"What?" said Tydus innocently.

"What did you do, Tydus?" Auron demanded, his voice level and hinting at violence.

"Er, I think I did something to the brightness. Hang on..."

"Gah!" said Lulu, "I'm pink!"

"Whoops, that must be the tone."

"Look at that blindingly light sky!" moaned Wakka, "We shall surely be smited!"

"And that must be the contrast, so..."

"Holy Hell!" cried everyone.

"Hmm. That was a bit much." Tydus mashed some more invisible buttons.

"For the love of Yevon, STOP!" said Yuna, who was in shades of pumpkin pie and rapidly oozing into electric green.

"I certainly don't love Yevon," said Tydus. Yuna glared at him. "Oh, fine, I'll put it on default, but let me degauss it first."

"Degauss--?"

The whole world suddenly went willy nilly. Shapes warped, colors blended, reality coughed up its lunch, and everything in general was stood on its head. Everyone was screaming bloody murder. Tydus could be seen clearly at the center of a multidimensional tornado, laughing manically. When it all finally settled down it was back to "normal". Everyone was the correct color and in the proper alignment, but looking very harassed. And Tydus still hadn't managed to hire Svania.

"Forget it!" Tydus burst out angrily, "You don't want to be on my team, then fine! Be a loser!" The eskimo continued to ignore him, worried that if she said anything now she might get degaussed again.

Yuna decided to change the subject. "So, where to next?"

Tydus glumly opened his book. "We should probably go here." He pointed at the invisible map. "The monster rancher guy. But it's all the way over there and he's just going to assign another impossible side quest."

"You mean, the one that gets me my legendary weapon upgrade?" Auron asked.

"Arg. Those legendary weapons can take a running jump."

"As long as I get mine."

"Oh, you'll get yours," Tydus muttered.

By the time they made it halfway across the expanse of fields the sun was going down. The sky became orange and the long grass turned golden. The spikes of rock left long shadows, making the land appear more scarred than it already was. The group could hear the occasional wark in the distance as the chocobos were rounded up for the night.

"Did you hear that?" Rikku looked around nervously.

"That wolf howling?" said Tydus.

"You mean that _skoll_ howling," said Wakka.

"You mean that _warg_ howling," said Frodo from inside a nearby mole hole.

"Hey! The moon is out! It's actually night!"

"But," said Tydus, "It's only ever night in Zanarkand... and when me and Yuna made out in Macalania Woods."

"Tydus!" Yuna yelled angrily.

"Yuna!" said Wakka, stunned.

"Wakka!" Lulu scolded.

"Zombies!" screamed Tydus.

"_What?!_"

They looked around and noticed that they were surrounded by several dozen animated skeletons. If they had ever been alive they might have been miniature cavemen, but now they had rotted to nothing but bones and glowing eyes. Some were wearing funny headdresses, too.

"They must have come out of the ground," said Auron. Some of the skeletons hadn't been able to get all of their limbs out of the dirt and were hopping on one leg or swinging a detached arm around. As they shuffled closer it became apparent that they barely made it to three feet tall. "This is laughable, hardly worth concern. I don't know what you Zanarkandians see in zombies."

Several hundred more undead skeletons clawed their way out of the ground.

"I can see how this would be a problem," Auron said conversationally.

"Who else saw this coming?" said Tydus.

"This _is_ cursed ground," said Auron. "Kinda sorta."

"But this would _not_ have happened if you hadn't said 'hardly worth concern'. Yet another thing that's entirely your fault. I should make a list so I don't forget anything."

"You can't possibly believe that things like this can happen as a result of tempting fate with a casual remark!"

"Says the guy who got everything in the city eaten by Sin without so much as a 'sorry'! And that's exactly the kind of thinking that got us into this situation!"

"Guys?" said Yuna, "The longer we stand here, the more monsters there are."

Tydus looked around. The first skeletons were almost within reach, slicing at the air with their claws. There were now many thousands of them, moving to surround the group. "Oh right. Run for it!"

They used their diverse weapons to beat a path through the absurd horrors (mysteriously, any skeleton that got close enough for Auron to hit immediately dropped back into the earth), and once past them they made a mad dash to get to the Monster Arena set inside the cliffs at the edge of the Calm Lands. On either side more skeletons popped up, murder in their eyes. The giant horde that had formed earlier was left staggering in the dust. The great thing about zombies, thought Tydus as he ran for his life, is that they are hopelessly incompetent.

When they reached the door to the arena they slammed against it, pounding and yelling for the owner to let them in. The old man finally opened the door. "What's up?"

"Zombies!"

"Oh, yeah. Don't... worry, this is a safe zone."

"Um..."

"Can I interest you young folk... in a quest?"

"No," Tydus mumbled.

Auron pushed Tydus aside. "What would you have us do, kind sir?" he asked brightly.

"Well, I run this here... Monster... Arena, but to run it I need monsters. Without monsters, it's just... an arena, you see, and that's no way to attract customers. How would you all like to be monster wranglers?"

"Wait," said Tydus, "This sounds terribly familiar. I don't think I like where it's going."

The man gave Tydus an odd look. "I just need y'all to go catch a bunch of monsters. Honestly, it's a perfectly simple... and... harmless... ...job. Yes."

"..."

"Not for all the Sigils in Spira," said Tydus. "There is no way we're gonna catch hundreds and hundreds of creatures from every place we've just come from."

"You could always slay those... thousands... of zombies out there. They're a pain in the... arse... whenever I... want to take a nighttime stroll."

Tydus sighed.

"So how are we supposed to capture them?" asked Yuna. "Do we need some crates?"

"Ha... But no. You simply... engage a monster in battle. Fight it until it is... on the brink of death, then throw one of these... patented... MonsterBalls at them." The old man held up a small object resembling a Rubix cube. It was very cubical. The man hummed a tune while staring into space. Yuna finally nudged him when she noticed drool. "Oh... Um, the ball will then capture the monster... in this convenient portable pocket dimension. If you want, you can later throw a full MonsterBall... at... another... monster, and have some gladiator-style fun. You... get to keep the winner. The more your... monster fights, the stronger... it gets, and the more likely... it is to eat you."

"What. The. Crap," said Tydus.

"Wait..." said the old man, "Wrong game. Let me start over... You can capture monsters by choosing... from my vast inventory of weapons, each with the Capture... ability. Coincidentally... I have one for each of your... weapon... types, and they all have clever names. You _have_ to use Capture weapons to kill, that is, capture... the monster, you only have one slot to add... abilities... to these otherwise useless weapons, and I'm the only one who sells them. That'll be 20,000gil each, please."

Tydus, the one with the money bag, was about to storm off, but Auron dragged him back by his hood and wouldn't let go until he bought everyone a weapon. "I am completely broke!" Tydus grumble. "How are we supposed to get Yojimbo now?"

"Hey," Rikku said to the old man, "How'd you get monsters before we came?"

"Oh, you know, I had... other workers." The man scratched behind his head distractedly.

"What happened to them?"

The man mumbled in a sheepish voice.

"What was that?"

"They got eaten."

"Figures," said Tydus, "Let's just go."

Five hours later...

"I am _sick_ of killing things!"

"Capturing."

"Capturing things!" Tydus slumped onto the hilt of his Taming Sword.

"Yeah," said Rikku, "I'm all for going back to killing things as they come and getting _on_ with Yuna's quest for death."

"Here, here!" said Yuna. "No, wait..."

"I miss obliterating things," Lulu added. There were no Capture spells, so Lulu had been doing absolutely muffin, I mean nothing.

"See? The girls are with me." Tydus stood up and pointed his sword at Mt. Gagazet. "Let's get the hell out of here!"

"Well of course the girls don't like capturing," said Auron as they made their way to the exit. "Their capture weapons are dolls and wands and claws."

"Oh, yeah, yeah. You're just jealous because Yuna's legendary weapon quest is the only feasible one of the bunch. Really, we only need one and it doesn't need to be yours."

"I disagree."

"I'll bet."

------------------------------------------------

In case you didn't know, the bunny hood makes you immune to those skeleton guys, at least in Ocarina of Time, because, of course, in Majora's Mask, the Captain's hat makes you immune to the skeleton guys, whereas the bunny hood... makes you run faster!

Small reference to Haroun and the Sea of Stories by Salman Rushdie made by Aim. kickass!


	19. Mountainful'a Kimahris, Kill SeymourVol3

Chapter 19 - Mountainful'a Kimahris (Kill Seymour, Vol 3)

"Heeey, wait a minute. That eskimo standing over there looks familiar."

"Don't, Tydus."

"Hey, you with the hat! What's your name?"

Yuna sighed.

The eskimo near the edge of the canyon at the back of the Calm Lands turned around and looked at Tydus questioningly.

"What's your name?" Tydus demanded, pointing the Brotherhood accusingly.

"Er, Svania."

"I _knew_ it!"

"So what?" said Yuna, "You're gonna hire her now?"

"No. Oh no. They're gonna pull something like this on me, they can just forget it!" Tydus continued to wave his sword in Svania's face. Svania, knowing what pointy edges could do to a face, tried to back away, and fell over the cliff.

"Oops..." said Tydus.

The group rushed to the edge in time to see the great blitzball player Svania hit the bottom of the canyon with a cartoonish thump and cloud of dust amid various Crusaders playing Ultimate Frisbee.

"Is she okay?" Tydus called down.

"Don't worry!" called a Crusader, "Bill falls down this second crevice here all the time, and he's just as good as the day his code was written."

"Maybe all the falling causes brain damage that's causing him to fall more?" Rikku suggested.

"Well, it's not so much falling as it is us pushing him down to retrieve the Frisbee."

"You're such a jerk, Steve! I won't stand for this a second more!"

"Oh, there went the Frisbee again," said the first Crusader.

"Damnit, Steve, don't—"

Bill screamed in a rather bored way before hitting the bottom.

At this time Svania disappeared from below and reappeared above in the spot she had been standing in before the group had approached, which was where Wakka was currently taking up space. There was an inhuman scream, and when the smoke cleared the group saw that Wakka and Svania had been splinched, clothes, lunch, and all. Wakania moaned a bit.

"Ew," said the group. They all stepped away quickly.

"By the sound of it," Steve yelled upward, "someone was standing on poor Svania's spawn point. The only way to fix that would be to throw... Svakka over the edge again. Svania, an NPC outside of her bounds, will respawn while Wakka remains down here in a bloody mess."

"Oh dear," thought Swavankia as it was unceremoniously pushed off the cliff by way of the flat of Auron's sword. He was the only one who would get close enough.

"We'll come down and pick him up!" Tydus yelled at the Crusaders.

Once at the bottom the group discussed how they would carry Wakka until he gained consciousness. Tydus had the idea of taking off Wakka's overalls and putting Wakka in his own extra-large pocket dimension. Tydus gave the overalls to Lulu, who put them on instead of her dress. It was slightly less revealing.

"Lulu, you didn't have to—"

"I know, but you try going on an adventure dressed like I was. Now I can really kick ass."

"You use magic, though. Dressing in impossible ways is supposed to boost magic."

"But now I can pursue Auron's path on the sphere grid, and eventually become... THE GREATEST FIGHTER EVAR!!!"

"Fine," said Tydus, "Whatever. But if one more of you goes off the deep end I swear to God I will pull the plug on my PS2."

"You're one to talk, Mr. Chocobo," said Yuna.

"'Chocobo'? Heeey," said Crusader Steve. He was peering at Tydus suspiciously. "Do I know you?"

"Um, no, I don't think so." Tydus started backing away toward the back exit of the Calm Lands. "Er, guys, let's get moving. _Fast_."

Yuna and Rikku sniggered. Kimahri sighed. Wakka snored.

On their way through the pass that led to Mt. Gagazet the group came across a bridge blocked by a rusty robot that smelled like it had a gas leak. Tromell wobbled up to them, followed by more Guados.

"Right," said Tydus, still feeling impatient and a little worried about the Crusaders not too far away. "I am just fed up with Guados. Anything you're here for besides an unconditional surrender will be met with the most extreme violence you've ever seen. I watched a lot of TV as a kid, I know what I'm talking about."

"Our beloved Maester requests that you commit group suicide, or at least—"

"I don't offer people the chance much, so I don't have a lot of experience, but that didn't sound like an unconditional surrender to me. What about you guys?" He turned to his group.

"Nice tough-guy act, Tidus," said Auron.

"Shut up," came the obligatory reply.

"If we kill them, they'll just come back, you know," said Lulu.

Tydus sighed. He was totally shot down. "Good point. How about we ignore them. They might just go away..."

"Hey!" Tromell called feebly after them. "You can't _do_ that! Why hasn't there been a battle transition yet?! Come back here, traitors, and receive your righteous punishment!"

As they walked underneath the path toward the Cavern of the Stolen Fayth, Rikku tossed a grenade at the robot, which, in accordance with the Law of Grenades, exploded.

Inside the cavern were... more fiends! Whoa! At the end of a short maze they reached Yojimbo's sacred chamber. As an insult to all tradition, the party et all followed Yuna into it. Inside, a bizarre, slightly transparent hobo was sitting on the shrine-in-the-floor. He giggled in a harsh voice.

"What... is your name?" asked the hobo.

"Yuna."

"What... is your quest?"

"To, um, perform the Final Summoning, I guess."

"What... is your favorite color?"

"What is my... Does that really matter?"

In answer, strange forces attempted to catapult her a very long way, but she hit the ceiling in transit. The hobo giggled again. Tydus stepped up uncertainly, flipping through his guide.

"What... is your name?"

"Tydus."

"What... is your quest?"

"To kill my old man! And maybe learn a valuable lesson or solve a mystery or something."

"What... is the maximum number of waffles an African Elephant can eat during the summer on an empty stomach, _without syrup!?_"

"Five hundred thousand and two!"

"Give me 250,000 gil."

"What? No!" Tydus whapped the hobo on the head with his sword. The hobo sat, stunned, while Tydus proceeded to steal Yojimbo. As he walked away the hobo disappeared in another fit of raspy giggles.

When they were out of the cavern Tydus asked Yuna, "Is it usually like that, or what?"

"Yes, but they're not always so senile. That was insane!"

"So what was holding you up with Valefor?"

"That fayth asked me a math question involving four trains and a chocobo. At the time I didn't know what a train was, so it took a while. I still don't really know about the trains, actually..."

And so the heroes finally reached Mt. Gagazet! At its snowy base the group was confronted by the entire population of the mountain, the Ronso. The leader, marked by his old age, position at the head of this procession, and the stylish sash that said "President", began talking. "You must be Yuna and her numerous guardians. We Ronso have heard that you are now traitors of Yevon. But foresooth!" The Ronso held up a hand quickly, as if in preparation to fend off and attack or possibly a whiney defense of their cause, but none was forthcoming, as Tydus pointedly smashed the skip button on his controller.

"I am so sick of listening to people talk. It took us over two pages just to get to the place this chapter is about, so we're behind. Zanarkand's bound to be more interesting than a bunch of wussy Ronso, anyway."

The President of the Ronso looked affronted, then offended, then miffed.

"Oh, did little pink man just insult Beeran and Yenke?" The two stereotypical muscle-men Ronso from the bar fight in Luca stepped forward, jeering.

Kimahri immediately took up an offensive position directly on top of Biran, the one with the obvious dye job. Yenke yanked (ha ha) Kimahri off the stunned Biran, crushing several butterflies in the process of running away. The remaining butterflies swarmed Yenke to reap revenge. While he struggled to get the 'flies from his eyes (ha ha again) Kimahri was free to treat Biran like the punching bag he resembled, which was cut short when Yenke started using his legs. Claws to the stomach propelled Kimahri like a football into several Ronso standing nearby. Of course, this resulted in a free-for-all among the Ronso, which thusly led to a Ronso pile in a matter of minutes.

Kimahri's small size enabled him to squirm out from near the bottom of the mess, once again clutching several of his own vital organs. The butterflies were nursing their own wounds: bent and broken wings, lost antennae; Mrs. Honeydew was now a widow.

The rest of the group had at first watched with interest, then horror, and with interest again as this violent scene played out. Now that their party member had return, though, they nonchalantly sidestepped the pile of blue fur and continued up the pass.

At the end of the pass they were suddenly confronted with the East Ronso Choir, singing a ridiculous and unpleasant version of the Hymn of the Fayth.

"This must be a final insult, to try to get back at us," Rikku whispered.

"No it's not," the choir director whispered back, offended, "This is to honor you for beating us and to wish you well on your quest."

"Wait, but I thought everyone who believe in Yevon hated us..."

"Well, you _would_ think that if you hadn't been paying attention earlier," the choir director retorted.

"Either way, you should stop singing," said Tydus. "It hurts my ears, and I have a feeling you guys might--"

Just as suddenly as the choir had appeared, it disappeared, blocked from view by Sin's ginormous mouth.

"—get eaten! Holy crap, old man! I know it was bad singing, but they're just harmless little Ronso!"

Sin chomped thoughtfully for a bit. As he lumbered away toward the Calm Lands he tripped over the Ronso pile and squished the remaining Ronso into a big blue pancake.

Auron coughed awkwardly. "And so Kimahri sets out for revenge on Sin for killing his people. This might be--"

"Wrong and double-wrong, geezer!" Tydus crowed. "Kimahri was already after Sin for totally boring and overused reasons, so this is obviously not his story."

Kimahri whimpered.

At this time Wakka woke up and demanded his overalls back. Lulu grudgingly complied.

The group continued up the mountain, along paths that inexplicably wound about, improperly suspended in the air. They only slowed down so that Tydus could make a snowman near one of the shrines using parts from dead fiends for arms, the nose, and such. He craftily made a top hat from several pairs of bunny ears courtesy of Auron's dignity.

Near the end of the path, Rikku stopped then tripped Tydus as he was walking past. Everyone else _ignored_ them for some reason and continued past. "Um, Tydus..."

"Sure!" Tydus began making out with Rikku. Such a playa.

"Oh. My. GOD! Cheating on Yuna after stealing her from me?! You're gonna pay, son of Jecht!" Enter: Seymour double-dead, once more looking totally crushed. His misadventures in love are to be pitied.

Tydus nonchalantly stepped out of Rikku's personal space to face the murdered Maester. "Seymour, there is no way Yuna ever would have gone with you. We already know she'd rather jump off a cliff than marry you. And don't call me 'son of my old man'."

Seymour blinked with rage, long lashes slashing down like many tiny scimitars. Evil, evil eye lashes. "Prepare to hear me spill the beans on my master plan, son of Jecht!"

"Stop calling me that!"

"I'm going to make myself the Final Aeon, kill your father, become Sin, and kill everyone and everything in sight, because your father is doing a very poor job! Death spiral! Death spiral! What do you say to that, son of Jecht?"

"_I'm_ going to kill you again, because that's three times you've used that hideous phrase instead of my chosen name, Ti--, I mean Tydus!"

"I'm going to kill you, too, because I am being ignored!" said Rikku. "And my dad's in this too, you know!"

"And the rest of us are going to kill you, too," said Yuna, "because you're a git." After discovering she had dropped one of her favorite dolls, Lulu had insisted everyone backtrack with her to help find it and this had brought them all back to Tydus and Rikku. Yuna had seen Seymour, which meant there was now no alternative to smashing his face in again.

"Yuna! Hi, honey! Want to be my summoner?"

"I'm surprised you asked this time. It gives me a chance to say no way in hell, crazy-ass freak-Guado!"

"Awww. I know! I'll kill you! You'll love me then for sure!"

"What--?"

Behind Seymour, a large, elaborate thing of sorts that looked exactly like it couldn't fly, float, or glide, came flying into view. It glided in at eye level and remained floating in the air.

Tydus whipped around, pointing his sword and flipping his hair. "What the hell is that?! Where does he get these ridiculous toys all the time? Maybe he should trying killing Sin with it. You know, _without_ the final summoning."

"Has anyone told Tydus about the Final Summoning yet?" Yuna asked. Everyone shook their head. "Then shut up, Tydus."

"Arrrgg!" Wakka moaned, sporting a new gaping hole from Seymour's contraption. "It has sharp edges!"

Upon noticing the battle had started, the group went through the usual routine, only it went a bit slower because Seymour was using haxors to get extra turns in which to turn each of them into zombies. Then Tydus, ignoring his guide's warning about using aeons against Seymour, decided to try his first summoning. Lacking a rod, he tried performing a little improve-jig while waving a spare Grendel arm.

The perpetual day was overlapped by a night that was definitively purple. A full moon took up half the sky, and cherry blossom petals came down like frilly pink snow. Out of this blizzard stepped the bulky Yojimbo, followed closely by The Ugliest Dog Ever.

"Dude, your dog is _ugly_," said Tydus. Yojimbo faced Seymour and... did nothing. "What the crap? Kill the fool! You... want me to pay you, don't you..."

Yojimbo grunted confirmation.

"That is absolutely stupid. Aeons are slaves, to do the bidding of the summoners! No wages, no matter how amazingly good ya are, and you aren't even remotely amazing." Tydus sighed. "Why is it that my aeon is such a rip off?"

"You only got it because the fayth went crazy," Yuna muttered.

"Heeey, an awful lot of people here seem to be off their rocker, and all this insane stuff is happening. Maybe none of this is real, maybe I'm still dreaming..."

"Don't be stupid." Seymour was getting rather impatient waiting for Tydus to finish his turn. "You're not the one dreaming."

"Shut up!" said Auron, "don't spill the beans prematurely."

"I can't help it. When I have beans I need to spill them!" Seymour whined.

"You're dismissed, Yojimbo!" Tydus ended his turn, but not before placing a trap card face dow— no wait, that was way off.

Kimahri finished Seymour off with a devastating butterfly/spear combo attack. As Seymour laid there spurting pyreflies, Yuna persisted in not sending him. This entails another battle, of course. Presently, he laughed that pathetic laugh the bad guy laughs when he has lost everything but gets at least some joy knowing he's about to deal a major blow to a good guy before going. "Before I got here I killed all the Ronso! That's right, Kimahri, every last one!"

"No you didn't," said Tydus, annoyed. "Sin did. Stop stealing credit."

"Fine, then. Kimahri, Tydus's father killed your people. Betcha want to kill Tydus now, eh?"

"I don't think Kimahri cares. In fact, he's the biggest Ronso around now, so he's king of the mountain, president of the Ronso (singular), lord of the butterflies. Seems Kimahri has profited most from this entire ordeal. And would you _stop_ treating me like an extension of my old man!"

"Wait a second..." said Auron, "Jecht is Sin?!"

"As if you didn't already know! _You_ told _me_!"

"I know, but I don't think the others were paying attention and it's about time you learn that lesson about keeping secrets from your friends."

Wakka said, "Does this mean we aren't going to kill Sin?"

"Of course not!" Tydus fumed, "Nobody knew my old man was Sin before now, thank you Seymour-" Seymour laughed again, "-and if he is, then this implies that the Sin before him was someone, too. It's always been someone, and the fact that it's my old man this time only gives me more reason to kill him!"

"Gosh," said Yuna, Rikku, and Wakka. Lulu's contract specifically stated that she didn't have to say "gosh".

Seymour shuddered. "Gak! Disappearing now. See you guys later!"

"I hate this place!" said Tydus.

The rest of the group had already started down the path again. And in the next area was...

----

"HOLY HELL!"

"That's an oxymoron, Tyd—HOLY HELL!"

"Whatever is there, I refuse to say—HOLY HELL! Damn, I did it anyway. But that's just... so... holy hell..."

I'll bet you're going bonkers wondering what's in the next area. And I'm down a couple hundred dollars! Past the first path up Mt. Gagazet is a wall of fayth! Everyone knows that, except for the people of Spira.

"People!" said Tydus, "This wall is made of people! Oh the wallmanity!"

"Shut up, Tydus," said Yuna as she examined the wall. One of the fayth was making a rude gesture with his free hand. She stepped back, nodding wisely. "Yep, these fayth are definitely up to something. You can tell by the way they're all glowing and covered in slime."

Lulu joined in the wise nodding. "Whatever they're doing, it's something big. Wonder what it could be... Hey look, Tydus fainted. I was wondering when he would give up." She moved in to perform Waterga on his head.

"No, wait!" said Auron, "It seems to be some sort of plot device."

Tydus woke up in a grayer Zanarkand, a Zanarkand with less playable space. Someone had chopped off the rest of the road leading from his house. In the distance was a gigantic worm thing, and above his head was a shiny UFO, your average flying saucer. There was no one around, the only place to go was inside his house. "I'll whip me up some waffles, catch some sleep, and in the morning everything will be peachy. Someone will come fix the road, someone else will fix that big worm problem, the garbage man will still pick up the garbage tomorrow, because that's trash day, I think..."

But inside his boathouse there were no waffles, or even any trash. Just the kid in the purple cloak, sitting in a corner moving in and out of focus. "'Lo again, Tydus," he said. "Last I saw you was in Bevelle."

"Bevelle? I don't remember... Oh, wait, that plot hole... Dang, hope I didn't miss anything important." Tydus almost laughed saying the last part. He made a serious face and said, "You're not going to tell me not to cry again, are you? Because that would exceed my weirdness budget, which has been pushed to the limits lately. If you don't have anything normal to say to me, you better shut up and give me back the waffles you stole."

"Er... History lesson time! You know Zanarkand and Bevelle had a war and Bevelle's machina whupped Zanarkand's ass, it was so nearly destroyed that the people who survived turned to a new-age voodoo called summoning to stick themselves in a wall and lived out their fayth-y lives remembering Zanarkand prior to its destruction. This is the kind of stuff they teach in third grade, you know."

"So Zanarkand was attacked by... Bevelle? Bevelle's machina? I understand this? Where's Sin come in, then, if Bevelle destroyed everything for some reason? Just give me my waffles, you insane child!"

"You don't need waffles, you're a dream."

"I'm what? Dreaming?"

"No, you're a dream."

"You're a dream?"

"YOU! Right there! Are a dream! You're not real! This Zanarkand isn't real and hasn't been for a thousand years! The fayth are getting kinda bored now, you know, and if it weren't for Sin we could've stopped at any time! Then your dad had to get out, somehow, and now we barely have the processing power to keep _you_ in the physical flesh!"

"..."

"You have to figure out how to stop Sin for good so we can wake up!"

"And that would mean I would disappear?"

"Praise the gods, yes!"

"You want me to commit suicide? Just like that?"

"You were going to do it anyway!"

"So why'd you tell me? You're as bad a Seymour."

"Gah! You dreams are so annoying! Just wake yourself up! _You_ still have a live physical body to go to."

"_I'm_ annoying?! Huh, well I—"

----

"—never. Oh, hello everybody."

"Make any startling revelations while you were gone, Tydus?" Auron winked at him.

"What? No, what are you talking about, Auron? You're crazy." He turned to the rest of the group. "He's crazy." The rest of the group murmured in agreement. "So, let's make with all haste to most of our dooms!" There were fewer murmurs of agreement, but they all disappeared into Tydus's pants when he returned to that map and so got no say.

"Let's see if I still get this," Tydus mused to himself, "I was dreaming... or I was in someone else's dream, and the real me is long dead. This continent has always been called Spira and summoning existed at the time before I left, that is, the time being remembered..." No surprise, Tydus walked into a wall. He got a face full of butt for that.

Eventually he wandered into the Caverns of Darkness. "That's a great name, but why not call it Wolf's Head Caves instead? Much more likely to have horror stories, then," thought Tydus. The fiends were back, and looked like they had just come from the set of Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. If he hadn't known better he would have thought they were all mini bosses, but they sure didn't fight like it.

After several puzzles whose prizes failed to include any Lvl 3 Key Spheres, the group reached the end and an actual boss with no interesting story behind it, so without much talk it was ground to dust. But it was very trying, and stuff...

Past the guardian of the sanctuary was...

"HOLY!—"

--------------------------------------------

Monty Python and the Holy Grail reference! I'm so hip.


	20. It's Zanarkand!

Chapter 20 --- It's Zanarkand! (Finally)

"-HELL!"

From the strategically placed exit of Mt. Gagazet the group had an excellent view of Zanarkand as it appears after the event of a real emergency. Except for a cleverly disguised alteration in architecture designs, the place was generally the same as it was the last time Tydus saw it, i.e. a complete ruin, with the gigantic, suspicious worm thing curving over it. In fact, the most notable difference in the doomed city was the sunlight. As far as Tydus could remember, in spite of mentioning sunrises and all that, he had never actually believed the sun had ever graced the city with its presence. The perpetual early-dusk was somehow more disconcerting than seeing his hometown laid to waste.

"Wow," said he, "Yet _another_ ruin."

"Fifteen minute coffee break!" said Auron. Everyone halted in the road and began putting on their Oxfords and ties. Lulu's tie had black lace around it. Wakka fetched a collapsible table, a coffee pot, a bag of ground coffee, and a mug with "I heart Yevon" written on it, out of his overalls. The surrounding area was slowly immersed in Generic Coffee Smell, first engineered in 1934 to increase sales.

Auron sipped his coffee (pensively, of course) out of a solid black mug. "Ahh. A good cup of coffee is a direct aesthetic experience of the real, you know."

"DoubleU Tee Eff, Auron," said Tydus, "Drinking coffee doesn't make you a mountain-top guru."

"I learned that in college," Auron replied coolly. He took a long sip. "You'd know it, too, if you'd had any thought for your education."

"I _would_ have gone to college if a certain someone hadn't fed me to Sin!"

Yuna looked up from her own mug, yellow with a picture of a stuffed giraffe. "Oh? You were eaten by Sin? Just the other day I was discussing with Seymour the unique formations on top of Sin's head. I don't suppose you got a good look at them?"

"Those formations," Rikku interjected, "are merely a large mass of barnacles caused by too many prolonged baths."

"Baths?" said Tydus.

"In the ocean." Rikku nodded wisely.

They sipped their coffee.

On the other side of the table, Wakka was talking at Lulu.

"Chappu was my brother, you know, so technically I should resemble him more than Tydus. Besides, Tydus is way too young for you, _and_ you're not Yuna. Face it, it'll never work. Sooo… Doing anything tonight?"

"I thought you couldn't say 'technically'," said Lulu.

"Er… Hey, look over there!"

"Oh my, what got into them?"

"Oh, Yuna!" Rikku cried shrilly, kneeling in front of Yuna, grabbing at her skirt and sobbing loudly. "I've failed you! I can't manage to think of a way for you to not die; another failure in a long line of fancy scientists who also failed! Kill me now, end my misery!"

Yuna gently lifted Riku… and hugged her. For five minutes.

"Hey, I failed that, too," Tydus muttered.

Finally, the cousins separated.

"Feel better?" Yuna asked.

"Uh huh," said Rikku.

Auron coughed. "Erm, coffee break over."

The group took a convenient path that jutted out of the ruined towers of Zanarkand, winding down until they were almost at the same level as the water. Amongst partially sunken ruins. Again. Directly in front of them was a sheltered fire pit walled on two sides by the path the group had just descended. Further off, beyond the small bay of water created by the curving road (no, I'm serious. This is the road Tydus was walking on at the beginning of the story. Just a little run-down.) was the gigantic glowing worm thing of pyreflies.

"Wait, why are we stopping? We just had a break!"

Auron gestured with his sword at the Scenic View. "But this is a cut scene to develop the plot. More importantly, it connects with the very first scene in the game that you probably skipped or forgot but if you hadn't it would make you say 'Oh, I get it, that's clever'."

"Curses," said Rikku, "I can't start this fire! Oh, for a light bulb!"

Tydus observed the fire pit. There were a few rocks and an edition of the Zanarkand Times. The headline read "Blob Attacks Zanarkand! Zanarkand Times HQ only building left standing!"

"Of course it would," Tydus muttered. To Rikku he said, "Stand back, I have just the key items for this." And so it was that Tydus found a use for the Withered Flowers. Shortly there was a blazing fire that smelled faintly of broken dreams.

Yuna pulled out a ukulele. After strumming a chord, she led the group in a techno version of Kumbaya. After five seconds Tydus had to leave. He climbed onto the path that shielded the rest of the group from the dusk light, where the Scenic View was taking place. He sat on the bench placed there by Girl Scout Troop 345 and stared off into the distance aimlessly. He frowned; he could still hear Wakka's grating treble.

Shortly Yuna joined him on the bench. Back at the campfire, Auron, who had been drinking heavily from his suspicious keg, had picked up the ukulele. He was singing some nonsense about a cake…

"MacArthur's Park is melting in the dark,  
All the sweet, green icing flowing down!  
Someone left the cake out in the rain.  
I don't think that I can take it,  
'Cause it took so long to bake it,  
And I'll never have that recipe again!  
Oh, noooooooo— Ow! Hey, the sky's falling! Hic! Never would have guessed it was made of bricks…"

"Wow," Tydus said to Yuna, "We should be recording this."

"Nuh-uh, movie spheres cost 50,000 a pop."

"That reminds me… Do you think someone in Luca is… spying on us?"

"I think we're getting off topic…"

"Hey, you're right! This is an impressive view, and needs some impressive narrative to go with it. And lets not forget that this is my— Ow!" At this moment yet another brick made contact with Tydus's head.

"Shut up, Tydus!" Auron called from the campfire. "It is _not_!"

"Just don't ever claim it's _yours_ or I swear to God I will kill you."

"Now that's all kinds of ironic."

"Kingdom Hearts 2 doesn't count! You don't even have sunglasses in that!"

"It's very dark in the Underworld."

"It's very dark _here_."

"So what? You want a gander at my lazy eye, do you? Do you?!"

"Er… no…"

"I thought not."

They had almost reached what they assumed was their destination, the only building whose roof and walls had not become the floor, when Tydus stopped and turned around.

"Hold on, we can't leave the area yet."

"Of course we can!" said Yuna, waving her arms, "There's the exit, right there! All we have to do is go through and for the love of Yevon get this pilgrimage over with!"

"I didn't know you were in such a hurry to die, but death wishes aside, I've been looking ahead with the guide, and… ah, I believe I mentioned this before, but we _do_ fight Yunalesca—"

Tydus paused and put up his guard in case anyone decided to throw anything at him.

"Right… and she does shitloads of status effects, including Confusion. As you all know, almost any of us can kill any of the others with one blow, so this is really bad. So we need to steal TONS of Musks from the bat things in this area in order to add Confuseproof to our armor."

The group glared at him, but didn't protest. They had all done some rather embarrassing things while under the influence and weren't keen to bring them up.

"Er, incidentally, we'll also need to avoid being turned into zombies, which means stealing Candles of Life form the zombies inside this temple-dealy here."

"Zombies again?!" said Rikku, "What the cracker are there zombies _here_ for? Are they gonna try to eat our brains, or mob us, or—"

Lulu tossed a doll at her. "I'm thinking no. But it's a good bet that they will try to kill us, as has everything else we've run into thus far."

"Then let's get this busy work over with while I still have a young and beautiful corpse to leave behind!" said Yuna.

"Um, yeah, I don't think there's gonna be a body left…" said Auron

"…"

"Oh, and Rikku," said Tydus, "you're the one who's going to have to pick the zombies' pockets."

"What?!"

Five hours later, Rikku finally acquired enough Musk to customize three pieces of armor with Confuseproof and some kickass stylin' spoilers.

"Look on the bright side, ya?" said Wakka, "We've all gained more than 30 moves on the sphere grid!"

"Whoopee," the group mumbled in response.

And so the group approached the temple. As they reached the bottom step of the entrance, the ghosts of Riff Raff, Magenta, and various suspiciously dressed people appeared on the top step.

Each group stared at the other for a few seconds, then the ghosts suddenly broke into song and dance.

"It's just a jump to the left. And then a step to the ri-iii-iight! With your hands on your hips, you bring your knees in tiii-iight! But it's the pelvic thruuust that really drives you insaaaaane!"

Tydus tried to get Yuna to dance along with him, and she whacked him with her rod.

"Let's do the Time Warp agaaaain!"

The ghosts froze, then popped out of existance.

"Okay… perfectly normal, I'm sure," said Tydus. He looked to Auron for confirmation.

Auron shrugged. "I have no idea what just happened, but I might just know what it was about…"

It was even darker inside the temple-dealy. They were on a walkway suspended above a darker darkness. The only light came from the occasional drunken pyrefly floating past. Both Auron and Rikku steadfastly refused to remove their sunglasses. So the ambient noise consisted of crickets, faint pyrefly bar songs, and stubbed-toe curses.

Oh, and the place was severely haunted.

"Although these are actually projections of touchy-feely events and not ghosts of the dead," Auron explained, "These people are probably dead anyway. Damnit, my toe!"

"That's really great, Auron," said Tydus.

At a junction in the path something noteworthy happened. The ghost of a little boy, who looked exactly like Seymour on a 1:2 scale, was whining in a voice that sounded exactly like a high-pitched Seymour at the ghost of a woman.

"Mommy, the other boys always pick on me at school. They called me a freak!"

"That's because you are, honey. A thoroughly creepy-looking freak. But don't worry. I'll become your fayth, and you can use the resulting aeon to smite them all for being judgmental!"

"Sounds a bit ironic, to me, Mommy."

"Even better."

"But I don't _want_ to be a summoner. I want to be… a cowboy!"

"Tough cookies."

The ghosts faded back into pyreflies. The group was silent in thoughtful contemplation. At least, some of them were. The really fast ones had done their contemplation during the display and were wondering if they could accurately recall what a bed looked like. Others, well…

"Was that… Seymour and his mother?!" said Rikku, shocked.

Auron shuffled uneasily. "Seymour's been carrying around a Final Summoning all along, then? Or could it be… Yunalesca has a monopoly on Final Summoning technology?!"

"Oh, yeah," said Tydus. "You've been here before, haven't you, Auron! How about enlightening us?"

"Er… Hey, look over there! An embarrassing display of the immaturity of my youth!"

Sure enough, the ghost of young Auron, along with ghost-Braska and ghost-Jecht, was walking along the exact same path.

"I don't want you to die, Braska!" ghost-Auron whined. The young one.

"Suck it up, Auron," said ghost-Jecht.

"Enough of the though-guy act, Jecht. We all know you have feelings and you're going to admit it before the end."

"Auron," said ghost-Braska, "I have a physical _need_ to make people happy. Like a suicidal comedian."

"But you're too young too die!"

"Best not to wait until you're too decrepit to summon a piece of cheese," said Jecht.

Ghost-Braska nodded. His hat bobbed precariously. "Seriously, Auron, you've been saying that every five minutes since Mt. Gagazet. It's getting annoying."

The ghosts walked off, but didn't disappear.

"What a treat," Auron mumbled, "We get to watch this whole drama play out twice. At least we can prevent ourselves from repeating anything."

"Braska, I loooove you!" said ghost-Auron.

"Jesus Christ, I hate myself."

They made their way along a path that seemed long for the purpose of containing as many fiends and embarrassing outbursts by young Auron as it could. Finally, they reached the Cloister of Trials. Tydus was already thumbing through his guide.

"Oh, YES! It's Tetris! We get to play—wait, no we don't…"

On the floor of the Cloister was a grid of colored dots. The Spectral Keeper, a small-headed, orange, spindly thing, was sitting at the other end of the room with a spinner. "Today, kiddies, it's Twister. Because I'm crazy like that. Left foot blue!"

"I cannot believe this," said Auron, watching his old posse walk further into the Cloister to enjoy some relatively normal Trials.

"Come on, kiddies, I'm not getting any younger. Left foot green."

Ten minutes later they managed to get decently tangled up.

"Right hand green."

"Yes!" said Wakka, "Hello there, Lulu."

"_Enough_, Wakka!"

The Keeper looked up. "Wakka, your face has become a little too intimate with the floor. You're out."

Ten more minutes later Tydus managed to "accidentally" knock Yuna into Kimahri, who had enough weight and random limbs to take down everyone else. Rikku had been attempting to maneuver away from her dangerous position directly beneath him at the time, but was too late.

"Ah, my ankle!"

"Tydus, congratulations, you win," said the Keeper. The spinner and dot grid disappeared in whiffs of smoke.

"And then?"

"The Chamber of the Fayth is that way." The Keeper pointed.

"What?! Any of us could have won… You mean you're not going to fight us?"

"Did you want to? It's kinda late at night for that, but if you insist…"

Yuna jumped Tydus before he could say anything about experience points. "Ah, no, that's quite peachy with us. Take care!"

"Stop by some time, eh? If you're not dead!"

The room beyond contained an elevator with a sign over it that read "To Your Doom the Fayth". Yuna stepped in and it descended. Five seconds later she returned.

"What are you all standing around for?"

"We're not supposed to follow."

"Never stopped you before."

They all crammed in the elevator, which was not constructed with six guardians in mind. They were joined by the Braska's ghost party. Old Auron made attempts to strangle young Auron across Wakka while Tydus had a good laugh. At the bottom they stumbled out and gathered around the fayth in the floor.

Yuna tapped it with her rod. "It's broken."

Suddenly, a ghost of an old man walked through the wall behind her. "Yeah, his soul got stolen or something, a long time ago…"

"Aeon's _Soul_, huh?" said Tydus, "We certainly haven't seen anything like that around…"

"So much for your metaphors, Tydus," said Yuna.

"I don't suppose anyone's tried giving his soul back?"

Auron shoved him through the door the old man had just disappeared through. "No. We're going to get through this the bullheaded way: kill everyone."

"WHYYYY?!" Wakka moaned.

The group entered a circular room with a high ceiling and a grand entrance at the other end from which arrived Lady Yunalesca. Wearing just about nothing.

"That old man must love this job," Tydus whispered.

"You guys are hear for the Final Summoning, right? I had one guy show up asking if we delivered pizza to his area. I turned him into a fayth to get back at him, and there's the origins of Ixion." Yunalesca's hair hissed a bit.

"Uh… huh," said Tydus.

"My, but you do have a lot of guardians. Like a small army. Not compensating for anything, are we?"

"What?" said Yuna.

"You're going to have to chose which one gets to die and become the Final Summoning. It's really very nice being dead. And if you don't want to go away, you can always hang around, eh, Auron? Nice bunny ears." Yunalesca gave him a wink.

"That's a blatant lie!" said Tydus, "The Final Aeon becomes the next Sin! How is that in any way a good thing?!"

"Ah… you've got me there… Boy, you guardians aren't usually so well informed, but I suppose you're not usually such a convention of weirdos. I'm thinking… Auron, and you too, Tydus, can't be the Final Summoning. Dead people don't count and clearly people who don't even exist make for temperamental, troublesome Sins. Anyone else is fine, but they must have a really strong bond with you. I'll be waiting in the next room, it's more dramatic in there." Yunalesca turned and exited, knocking a bust of some old guy off its stand with part of her runaway hair.

"I'll do it, Yuna!" said Lulu.

"She said a _strong bond_, Lulu," said Tydus, "When have you ever bonded with anyone in this group, you moody goth?"

"Oh, all sorts of things happened in the dark of the Via Purifico," Lulu replied coolly.

Auron snorted. "Shut you up, didn't she!"

"Ahhhh!" said Tydus.

"Look," said Yuna firmly, "No one is going to do it. This is the dumbest idea ever. Who determined a Final Summoning was the only way to kill Sin? It just provides fodder for a new Sin! Let's just go have a nice peaceful talk with Yunalesca."

Tydus flipped his hair in annoyance. "Yeah, I'm sure nothing bad will come of it."

Before they could enter the next room, the ghost party ran ahead to share similar sentiments on the stairs.

"There goes what's left of Auron's manliness," Tydus remarked.

Auron stabbed at the transparent figures.

Ghost-Jecht stepped forward through old Auron. "I'm going to throw my life away for a cause I don't understand at all in a land that's completely different from my own with definitely no paths back to my own little world because I have the IQ of a gopher!"

"That's very kind of you, Jecht," said ghost-Braska. The two of them went ahead to the room beyond.

Young Auron dropped to his knees. "NOOOOOO!"

"Beats Vader's," Tydus whispered to Rikku. "But what wouldn't?"

The group strode past the weeping Auron, up the steps and into… SPACE! It was like a reverse Farplane. The small platform of ruin floated in a black void of stars, nebulas, and random debris. Yunalesca floated at the other end. Her hair looked more animated than had been previously observed.

The projection of young Auron burst forward suddenly. "I'm so pissed off I dragged myself here to avenge my buddies, who died just like you said they would!"

Ghost-Yunalesca tossed ghost-Auron like a ghost-salad. He hit the ground hard. Twice. His sword stuck itself in the ground, directly in the spot where a sword was already sticking out of the ground.

Yunalesca shook her head. "I need to hire a janitor. Good thing Auron managed to drag himself out of here, or it'd start to smell…"

"Hey, Yunalesca!" said Yuna.

"What?!"

"I think your Final Summoning is a stupid idea!"

"Oh yeah?!"

"Yeah!"

"Want to fight about it?!"

"Yeah!"

"Step outside!"

"Undead wusses first! Charge!"

With that, the entire of the group ran forward and shoved Yunalesca over the edge. Floating debris whacked her on the way down.

She managed some final words on the way down to… whatever was at the bottom: "That wasn't in the scriiiiipt!"

"That went smoothly," said Tydus.

"Way to avoid bringing up that we never used that confuseproof, Tydus," said Auron.

"We _did_ use it! She was trying to confuse us the entire time with metaphors and religious garbage!"

"Hey, check it out!" Rikku called from a set of broken-off stairs. "Teleport stairs! I'm here," she stepped up and disappeared, "and now I'm here!" She appeared at the bottom of another set of steps.

"Nifty!" said Tydus.

"Guys, can we get the hell out of here?" said Yuna, "It's not like Yunalesca can't float."

"Oh, right."

As they exited, Yunalesca reached the bottom, which looped to the top. Shortly after, she hit the platform. "Ow…"

"Wow, we're just pissing off everyone, aren't we?" said Wakka as they ran for it through the temple.

Auron grabbed Tydus's hood as he ran past. "Gak!" said Tydus. "What do you want?!"

"We have to talk."

"About you? It's always about you, huh? Your story, eh? Dingbat."

"I'm dead."

"And I don't exist. Boo hoo."

"So I grabbed you using Sin."

"Why me?"

"Because I can! Bwahahaha!"

"You laugh funny."

"No, seriously, I have just the flashback for this." Auron moved to the center of the room and started pulling out a mini-theater and sock puppets. "Okay, this is Jecht, and this is me."

"Auron, I want you to watch after my son. He's a crybaby," said Jecht-puppet.

"Godsdamnit!" said Tydus.

"And just how am I supposed to do that, Jecht? Didn't you sign up for this because you thought there was no way to get back to him and your life is meaningless without him?" said Auron-puppet.

"… Um… Aw, shits."

"The end!" said Auron.

"Wow," said Tydus, "Thanks a lot Auron."

By the time Tydus reached the exit of the temple it was dawn and everyone else had already left… except Sin. He lumbered, huge and dirt-colored, around the side of the building. His slow head turned as if to say "Oh, fancy seeing you here."

"Oh yeah, totally innocent!" Tydus shouted at him. "Stop following me! We'll kill you when we kill you!"

The monster lifted its gigantic claws and wiggled them in what looked like sign language. "Don't… cry… crybaby?! Right! That's it! We're having it out, right here, one on one!"

Before Tydus could get himself killed, Sin turned again and lumbered off somewhere, presumably to destroy a civilization or two, and the airship, of all things, floated right past the killer monster.

"Genius flying, there. Pick me up!"

----

"So what you're saying is, my old man likes the Hymn of the Fayth?" Tydus crossed his arms and bent his head in thought as the rest of the group nodded eagerly, proud of their deductive skills. "'Cause I already knew that… since a while ago."

Wakka whacked Rikku in the back of the head. "I told ya so!"

"You had no idea!" Rikku yelled back.

The group was gathered on the bridge of the thoughtfully named "S.S. Airship", along with its crew, Cid, and Brother. Cid isn't one for beating around the bush and so probably isn't Rikku's real father, what with 'Rikku' not being a description of Rikku, if you catch my drift.

"While planning methods of attack is a very nice way to spend time," said Tydus, "I think we should be more worried about actually _finding_ Sin, eh? I know he's obscenely fat, what some would call 'just really, really big', but he only ever shows up in cut scenes and I'm afraid we're running low on those at the moment."

"Actually, Sin'll show up if we go to Bevelle again," said Cid. "Got the coordinates and everything. You can go any time you want. No rush."

Yuna snorted. "Why not tag along, eh, Uncle? Come to think of it, why don't we grab an army, first?"

"Or better!" said Tydus, looking through his guide, "We're going to the Omega Ruins! Camp out there a few nights, come out as GODS. If you can kill Omega, you can do _anything_."

The group completely failed to look enthused.

"But first, we need legendary weapons with double AP, or else what are we wasting our time with?" The group perked up a bit at the thought of getting new weapons. "To save time, though," Tydus added, thumbing through the Extras section of the guide, "we're just grabbing Yuna's… and maybe mine. With Break Damage Barrier and One MP Cost, she can easily Holy everything to death while you guys drink sodas."

"What?!" said Rikku. "This is outrageous! I've spent a good deal of time running around risking my life for you guys and just when things start getting interesting you go and oust us all like used coffee filters?!"

Tydus gave her a very serious look over the top of the guide. "We _have_ been running all over Spira. Too much, if you ask me. I refuse to continue running all over catching fiends, chasing cactaurs, running from butterflies, dodging lightning, or dedicating precious hours to blitzball. It is exactly unnecessary."

"Lazy ass," said Auron.

"Love it or hate it, I'm the boss, now get in the pants!" Tydus turned to Cid. "First stop is the Baaj Temple. We're getting Anima!"

--------------------------------------

FFX was the first RPG I had actually played, but by the time I wrote this chapter I had beaten FF7, both Kingdom Hearts games, and Psychonauts. So yeah, that's why I couldn't fit in any jokes about Rikku being a replacement Yuffie earlier.

MacArthur's Park is GENIOUS. A song about a cake.


	21. Sidequests Make Hulk Angry!

There's about 3 short chapters covering sidequests and other weird things that have nothing to do with the plot. They bored me out of my skull, and _I_ was the one writing them. I cut out a middle section because it was keeping me from finishing. Nothing important happened…

-----------------------------------------

Chapter 21 --- Sidequests Make Hulk Angry

The Airship touched down in some very familiar watery ruins. Tydus did not have to look long before he spotted the bird he retrospectively appreciated not eating the last time he was here. Clearly, his mental health hadn't improved much over the course of these thrilling adventures.

He led the way through the rubble, following his guide, which promised him that there was another exit from the flooded room, as well as another fight with Geosgaeno. Once in the water, he realized that the rest of the group had once again abandoned him to the sole company of Rikku and Wakka. Oh, well. Fewer people to tell him to shut up. He swapped everyone's Yunalesca armor for Geosgaeno armor, wishing fervently for some sort of Ribbon customization, and had just finished preparations when the great guppy-exoskeleton fish monster appeared from whatever large hole it had managed to hide in.

Geosgaeno could recognize a protagonist when he saw one, and knew no cut scene would get him out of it this time. "So much for a nice morning walk," he muttered.

"Avast!" Tydus cried, "I've come to reap my revenge, smelly beast!"

Geosgaeno, incensed by the uncalled-for insult, got over his sleepiness immediately, and charged at the group. In passing, he managed to grab Tydus.

Finding himself in the belly of a beast with airholes and no digestive system, Tydus quickly got over any anxiety one might usually feel toward getting eaten and gave Geosgaeno's head a good jab from the inside with his sword. Needless to say, this sort of attack could kill a person. Tydus was released when his cage dissolved into pyreflies, as opposed to having to find an alternate route out.

With that the path to the Chamber of Fayth was clear. Or so they thought. The door leading to Anima would open if the group had all the secret items from the other Cloisters of Trials. Tydus, confident in a guide that had proven itself to be not the most perfect guide in the world, read the next paragraph.

"Aug, what?!" he exclaimed at the floppy book, "I have to go _back_ to Zanarkand's Cloister?! You stupid thing, why didn't you say that _before_."

Tydus's loyalty to an aid is a bit fickle.

In Zanarkand, Tydus discovered a nifty little teleport pad that took him right to the entrance to the Cloister. Upon arriving there he saw someone he found he detested more than Geosgaeno. Dona the Bitch Witch was just exiting, followed by her stereotype guardian, Bruno.

"Don't bother, baby Yuna and friends," said Dona, "There's nothing there. No Final Summoning. Just some strangely familiar ghosts that appeared to be pushing a half-naked woman off a cliff. On the bright side, the world will still have Dona the Magnificent to brighten their day in compensation for a permanent loss of the Calm. Spira will survive somehow—"

"Shut up already!" Yuna yelled. "We've got a _plan_ okay? Stop rubbing it in!"

"Rubbing what in?" Dona peered at them suspiciously down her nose.

"Oh, um, er… absolutely nothing…" said Yuna.

"Just trying to be more optimistic," Rikku added.

"Certainly not covering up my own guilt here!" said Wakka. This earned many a silent stare.

Dona gave it up. Winding the truth out of this bunch of dimwits was time better spent earning fame and adoration. "The lack of competence in this room is getting stuffy, Bruno. Let's go."

Bruno grunted his consent and followed her out.

"Like that Final Summoning would have worked," Tydus muttered just loud enough for his group to hear. This earned him some appreciative sniggers.

Inside the Cloister, Tydus played a quick game of Tetris and snuck out before the Spectral Keeper could make him play Monopoly or something. The item was a Magistral Rod, of no particular use compared to what Yuna already had.

Tydus sighed and made his way back to the Baaj Temple Cloister of Trials. He didn't even bother trying to pick up the Onion Knight since he hadn't gotten the Celestial Mirror yet. Finally, all the statues in the Cloister glowed in reaction to a handful of mostly useless items that happened to be in annoyingly hidden treasure chests throughout the journey, and the door to the Chamber of Fayth opened.

Inside was a scene not entirely unanticipated. Seymour's mother, the fayth of Anima, stood above the shine, looking down at her son's murderers.

Tydus coughed nervously. "Wow, this is awkward…"

"Hey, no sweat, guys. I knew he was evil, his father knew he was evil. The Guados at the palace probably knew he was evil. Just about everyone knows he was evil. It's just a matter of who else is also evil."

"And, er, Anima _isn't_ evil?"

"No, just misunderstood."

"Oh… okay…"

"I just wanted the kids at school to stop bullying him, but then he went and killed them. And it all went downhill from there. Sorry he's been such a pain in everyone's collective ass. I'm a bad mother, I'll admit it. To make it up to you, I'll grant you the aeon Anima. Give Seymour a good spanking with it, eh?"

"What, one Anima against another?" said Yuna.

Tydus wiped the drool off of his mouth to say, "Your Shiva could defeat his Anima, I'm sure we have nothing to worry about."

As they left, Tydus walked with a particular skip in his step. "There wasn't even anything but some mini-boss that gave us a No Encounters weapon. This is great."

The rest of the group grumbled but Yuna looked like she was having a hard time keeping a straight face herself. The first fiends to attack them after the Airship landed in the Calm Lands were met instantly by a three-story-high monster that annihilated them utterly. Yuna couldn't hide her broad smile as Anima let out a victory roar.

"Now where the hell did that chocobo trainer go?" said Tydus. His guide was annoyingly vague on this subject. "We can't get to Remiem Temple without a chocobo."

Four hours later Tydus finally found her sitting on her chocobo, right next to the path to the temple. Auron laughed in a bitter sort of way. He wasn't getting any younger. Or older, for that matter…

And yet he died when he was young… hmm…

Tydus ignored him. "Hey, trainer, can I have a chocobo to ride?"

"Sure. Would you like to train one, instead of doing what you were planning to do originally?"

"Train? To be a _slave_?! I think n—wait… actually, yes. Yes, I think I would like to train a chocobo."

"Well, if you'd just step this way, sir, we'll have you training with the best of them, because I don't care about threats to my job, because competition is a good thing."

As they reached the bottom of the slope, another chocobo appeared with a POOF beside Tydus, and two lines of red balloons appeared with more demure poofs across half the plains. The trainer ran her chocobo down the new track with casual ease, then stopped at the end to call out instructions. "Your first task is to get that drunken chocobo from where you are to where I am as fast as you can. The chocobo will go at one speed and will totally ignore whatever you tell it to do, so you're betting on the chance that it will randomly go in a straight line."

"Sounds like a great idea. Maybe I should just sit on the sidelines and cheer it on? Might be safer…"

"No pain no gain. Ready, steady, GO!"

The chocobo jumped into the air, spun around, and started running into the wall behind the starting line.

Five minutes later Tydus convinced the chocobo that the wall just wasn't interested, and ten minutes after that they happened across the finish line. The trainer, with a look of fascinated horror, looked disbelievingly at her stopwatch.

"That… that…" she stammered, "That broke the record by 13 minutes!"

"WHAT?!"

"Are you the… Chocobo Whisperer?" the trainer whispered breathlessly.

"Um—"

"No," said Yuna, "He causes riots. And I don't believe it's a gift so much as a bad habit. And I refuse to play the secretly jealous callous sidekick that has to drag the main character off his bird and smack the hell out of him."

"I'm fine with that," said Tydus, turning to see how unconditional Whisperer-love was.

"But I _will_ smack the hell out of you if you don't get a move on."

"Er… So, chocobo trainer, what's next?" Tydus asked as the rest of the group headed for the Calm Lands outpost to sit in lawn chairs and eat popcorn as they watched.

"The next step in training a chocobo, or, training you to train a chocobo, would be to ride this sober chocobo—" the drunken chocobo disappeared as another big yellow bird appeared at the starting line, "—to the finish line. If you tell it to turn left, there's a significantly higher probability that it might listen. However, it might still go right. It always has trouble with its left and right." The trainer shook her head in sadness. "Oh and there will also be blitzballs thrown at you as if shot from a cannon," she added quickly.

"What was that last—"

"Three-two-one GO!"

The chocobo shot off from the starting line, leaning a bit to the left, but nonetheless heading in the general direction of the finish line. In the glee that he could finish this race without yelling himself hoarse Tydus totally forgot about any suspicious additions to the training that might have just been mentioned.

BONK!

He was brutally reminded.

"Oh, jeebus, I've been concussed! And what about my bird? What _was_ that?!"

Before he could analyze the situation beyond initial reaction, however, his chocobo was hit by another UFO. It came to a full stop, warked in surprise, then immediately resumed running, slightly more crookedly. Tydus was able to notice a blitzball falling out of the sky directly at them in time to redirect the chocobo in a direction that was sadly not at all heading toward the finish line.

In fact, the balls rained down with the frequency of… rain. Tydus and his ride made an unfortunately large target, and the balls had unfortunately magnet-like aim. In short, Tydus got no peace. Every once in a while, he managed to gain some ground. By the time he reached the end, he had been reduced to bare instinct, his world nothing but blitzballs and chocobos. He even snarled a little when the trainer approached to get him off the chocobo and take it to the emergency vet.

"SNARL!" said Tydus.

See?

"Okay, I guess you learned about the value of single-minded concentration to the exclusion of all other things such as human decency. Well done." The trained paused as Tydus leapt off the chocobo and began sniffing the air like a feral wolf.

"Er, maybe we should get this over with as quickly as possible, while you're still concentrating. Then there's this lovely little rehabilitation center at the trading post that has these darling curtains and will fix you up good as new… In theory…"

Tydus was scratching behind his ear with a booted foot.

"Right, so, let's just get you on this chocobo…"

The trainer gently nudged Tydus toward the now-nervous bird, quickly tossed him into the saddle, and immediately ran away to take cover in some tall grass. Instead of jumping off to maul the trainer or eat the chocobo, Tydus was hunched in the seat, looking around suspiciously for any incoming projectiles.

"This next race is the same as the last one, only there will also be seagulls hell-bent on pecking your brains out and the blitzballs explode."

In the brief period before the trainer started the race and his chocobo dashed with the courage of the stupidly ignorant into a world of pain, Tydus pulled together one thought: "This probably isn't worth it."

Afterward, he was just barely conscious enough to amend this to: "This _definitely_ isn't worth it," before he fell off the chocobo into a face-full of dirt and grass.

A few seconds and one badly cast Curaga later, Tydus was back up with his sword against the trainer's throat. He was almost hopping with anger. "Where the hell is it?! _I know you have it!_"

"Er, what is that, now, exactly?" the trainer asked nervously.

"Give me my Sun Sigil! I've had it with these games! It's _mine_!"

"You can threaten me all you want, but it won't do any good," said the trainer, not irritated. "The moment you leave the Calm Lands I'll be back to normal. Anyway, the Sun Sigil is a prize you _earn_, and I'm being quiet charitable as it is, giving you free chocobo training lessons."

"Oh yeah? Well I—" Tydus realized there really was nothing he could do. Well, there was one thing…

He flipped his hair for a solid minute, then said, "Pretty please?"

The trainer melted to the ground, retaining just enough muscle control to hand over the Sun Sigil from under her hat.

Tydus triumphantly trotted toward the rest of his troupe, rubbing his neck. "That flipping really takes it out of you."

The group made various unenthusiastic sighs and yawns.

"I'm going to skip over to that there cliff where my legendary weapon is," Tydus continued. "Won't be but a minute."

The group made various unenthusiastic sighs and yawns.

Tydus nodded in satisfaction, then proceeded to hike across the Calm Lands with the sort of confidence one would expect from someone with No Encounters equipped. As he reached the short path extending down the cliff he noticed a person was standing at its beginning. Closer inspection showed it was an old soldier wearing entirely black armor, just standing there.

When Tydus was almost level with the soldier he heard a great wheezing intake of breath and then a booming "NONE SHALL—"

Tydus shoved him off the cliff as he walked past.

A short ways down the path, one of those generic glyphs was stuck in the wall. Tydus lightly touched it. Nothing happened. Tydus knocked sharply with his fist. Nothing happened. Tydus beat his hands into bloody stumps on the rock. Nothing continued to happen. Tydus finally consulted his player's guide. His guide told him things that made him deeply, deeply unhappy.


	22. The Coup

Chapter 22 --- The Coup (omg, what could _that_ mean?!)

This chapter is freakishly annoying to write and totally pointless, so for now I'll spare everyone the feeling that they've missed something with this place-holder.


	23. The Chapter With No Name

Chapter 23 --- The Chapter With No Name

"Okay, so we've all got this straight? _I'm_ the leader? No more backstabbing?"

The rest of the group glared at Tydus resentfully. He decided it would be best not to rub their embarrassing failure to overthrow him in their faces, lest they be driven to find a loophole. "Good. And now that we're a big happy group again, I say we treat ourselves to a short vacation to the Omega Ruins!"

"Omega Ruins is for sissies," said Auron.

"There's a bunch of spheres we need in there. Lulu can get Ultima, the black equivalent of Holy, then anyone who's been down Yuna's or Lulu's sections can learn Doublecast, and we'll kick that much more ass. And I notice that you appear to be stuck behind a Level 4 Lock yourself, Auron."

"I'm not stuck…"

"You've got 24 unused moves!"

"Whatever," Auron sniffed indifferently.

Presently the Airship landed outside the Omega Ruins, a dark brooding hole in the blighted ground of a distant corner of Spira. Standing at the entrance the group could hear inhuman screams echoing out of the darkness. Wakka, once a nervous wreck due to the stress of constantly adhering to mad religion of Yevon, was now staring straight into the maw of smelly doom with a blank look on his face. Rikku, however, had yet to grow a backbone.

"Insert something that Scooby Doo would say," Rikku stuttered.

"All right, gang, let's go," said Tydus. He headed inside.

"Wow," said Yuna, shaking her head sadly as she followed.

Inside they encountered a maze of dank and dimly lit passageways of the traitor Omega. Tydus squinted at the pages of his guide as he carelessly stepped forward. "Beware… the… high level… mon—"

"Gigantic stegosaurus!" screamed Lulu.

"Don't be silly," said Tydus, "Dinosaurs were extinct thousands of years before I was--"

At this point the non-stegosaurus beat Tydus senseless with its tail.

"OW," said Tydus. He examined the monster's HP. "Um, what say we let Anima handle it…"

Yuna gleefully summoned her emo Anima to perform Pain. The stegosaurus died instantly. Its gigantic body hit the ground with a resounding crash that shook the walls and caused bits of rock to fall on the groups' heads. They were too busy staring in shock at the amazing power of Anima to notice that they had all been turned brown with dust. Yuna was grinning like a maniac as she stood next to Anima, who was moaning her head off like she had not just pwned the turtle-zilla.

"My unholy god!" said Wakka, "Is every fiend in here so big?!"

"No," said Tydus, "Some of them are just stronger, color-swapped clones of previous monsters." He flipped through the section to look for details and discovered a complete lack of any list of fiends found here. "Hey, I paid for this! Well, actually, I didn't, but what's a page or two going to hurt the publisher if it would save my life and thus everyone else's?"

At first, as the group fought their way through the tunnels (and by fought I mean 'summoned Anima to kill everything') they gained several levels with each fight. Lulu managed to escape her area of the sphere grid and entered Wakka's to boost her HP, Yuna was back in Rikku's section, having completed Auron's and her own, Kimahri was pulling ahead of Auron in Tydus's section, and Tydus himself was now a black and white mage, a thief, and a fighter. It was with hard-earned confidence that they entered the second half of the tunnels and encountered a Master Tonberry.

"Hey, don't worry, Yuna, I think we can handle this," said Tydus.

"Fine," Yuna pouted.

But every time they struck, the Tonberry hit back with the ominously named "Karma". At the Tonberry's turn, the group held their breath to see what the bizarre little creature would do.

It stepped forward.

"_That_ is the most suspicious thing I think I have _ever_ seen," said Tydus. "I vote we flee."

"Go for it, crybaby."

"How about you do the honors, Mr. I'm-Walking-in-a-Punk-Kid's-Sphere-Grid-Path."

Auron's good eye twitched, then he shoved Kimahri. Kimahri sighed and used Flee. The group ran like the wind.

Alone again, the Tonberry sniffed in sadness. "All I ever wanted was a hug."

Finally, the group reached the room beyond which Omega was sitting around playing Solitaire. But they were not there long before a huge, intricately ugly monster fell upon them. Six limbs, spines, scales, and neon strips contained a being of pure malice with breath like a mountain of bad eggs pouring from its very tiny mouth. While being quite tall enough to give the group sore necks, it was easily put to shame by several of the larger monsters back in the tunnels.

Fearing the worst of a boss in the Omega Ruins, they instantly turned to Yuna. Before the monster could let loose an impressive howl in challenge, Anima killed it dead. Some of pyreflies it disintegrated into floated into the back room.

"What's all that ruckus out there," called a raspy voice. "Ultima Weapon, if I find out you've knocked down another pillar— Who are you people?"

The group stared unabashedly at the monster that had just squeezed through the door in front of them. It was exactly the same as the Ultima Weapon, but slightly bigger, with more spines, scales, and neon strips. It squinted at each member of the party in turn, stifling a laugh out of general politeness when in got to Auron. Then it said, "You younguns killed my guard dog?"

"You're Omega?"

"Yeah, I am. Did you come here to listen to me prattle on about the good old days and my heathen ways?"

Tydus turned to the others. "_That's_ what happens to traitors?"

"If they sit around in a horrible cave for long enough, I suppose so," Yuna replied.

"Let's just kill him," said Auron.

"But what if he's not evil?" said Rikku.

"No," said Tydus, "It doesn't say anything in here about not killing Omega."

Yuna laughed curtly. "Does it say anything about Auron's new ears?"

Tydus waved it off. "Plot points aren't discussed, only methods of survival. Only jerks put spoilers in their guides. Right now a great strategy would be to summon Anima to obliterate that clearly evil monster."

"Fine. But only if we go straight to Sin after this."

"Incidentally," said Tydus as Yuna took care of another boss single-handedly, or more accurately, no hands at all. Or six, if you want to look at it another way. "This will be our battle plan for the rest of this quest. None of these monsters we're gonna run into appear to be Anima-proof."

"What do you mean? The only thing left is to fight Sin," said Lulu.

"Um, yeah, about that—"

Just then Yuna ran back to the rest of them looking worried. "Guys, I think we should get out of here. _Now_."

"Don't tell me you didn't manage to kill Omega."

"No, I—"

"Well it's not like we need to worry about anything else in here ambushing us. Everything's dead. We killed it all. Even the Tonberry, on a dare. Auron owes me a cheesecake."

"That's exactly my point. I have better things to do than waste my life standing around in an empty dungeon."

"No arguments here," said Rikku. "Beam us up, dad!"


	24. The End, Kill Seymour Vol4

Chapter 24 --- The End (Kill Seymour, Vol.4)

"Everyone understand the plan?"

"You're psychotic, Rikku."

"Seriously. Pretending to be plumbers to throw off suspicion is never gonna work. Ever since Mario, no one trusts plumbers not to set their ass on fire."

"But they're _expecting_ plumbers! My dad was flying around drunk while we were in the Omega ruins and accidentally blasted the roof off the temple at Bevelle! Then it rained! Since most of the real plumbers have been chucked into the Via Purifico for using wrenches, we don't have to worry about the real guys showing up."

"Do we really need these mustaches?"

"_Yes_."

"Ah, look, the guide labeled this section Sin. These writers were really thoughtful. Thank you, Dan Birlew."

"Shut up, Tydus."

"Does anyone else think 'Dr. Mario' is a bit of a non sequitur?"

"Stop talking about Nintendo, geez."

"Isn't this more of a job for roofers?"

Ah, hello, I'm back! Your wonderful narrator has returned to save the day! So, right now the group is preparing to land once more on top of Bevelle Temple, in order to move the plot. They all had on color-coded overalls and mustaches. As they sauntered nonchalantly up the main hallway they encountered two generic guards too stupid to sense their own impending doom.

"Halt, who goes there!"

"Are you serious?" said Rikku. "Is it not obvious that we are the plumbers you sent for? The Magnificent Six Plumbers and an Idiot Co.!"

"What? You mean yourself, right?" said Tydus.

"So, you need seven people to fix the plumbing? Do we have to pay extra for that?"

"No," said Yuna, "You're the ruling religion here, you're not paying us anything."

Tydus sniggered and pointed up. "Here's your problem, you've got no roof."

"Then shouldn't we have hired some roofers?"

"That's what _I_ said," Lulu whined. "Also, Yuna already told you, you're not 'hiring' anyone."

"Yuna?! You're Braska's daughter?!"

"Holy Yevon's foot, it's the protagonists! We're gonna _diiie_!"

"What's going on out there?" an annoyingly familiar voice asked from the end of the hallway.

"Oh, hey, it's Shelinda," Yuna said unenthusiastically.

Shelinda entered and looked around. She winced a little at the brightly-clad strangers. "Who are all these people, they don't look like they're about to kill you, Freddy."

"We aren't evil, like _some_ people," said Tydus, "but, you know, if you guys _insist_ on fighting, we will kill you. You won't just be knocked out, either. You'll be dead. That's how it is in this game. If you don't like it, go join Team Rocket and catch some Pokémon, pansies."

Shelinda laughed nervously. "Why are so many, er, plumbers here?"

"We know why we're here. Why are _you_ here?"

"I'm the Captain of the Guard," she answered, in a voice that was intended to intimidate, but, come on, it's Shelinda.

The group burst into laughter. Tydus stopped to ask, "Wow, how did that happen?"

"We're kinda short on followers right now," she mumbled dejectedly.

"No one trusts you guys anymore? We've brought to light the suspicious activities of the corrupt hierarchy? You'll be brought down in court any day now?"

"Um, I think you plumbers killed them all. You're Yuna and her guardians, right? Mika wants to talk with you. Wait here." She turned and walked away in a manner that suggested that she'd rather be running. The two guards jumped out the windows as soon as she was gone.

"'Wait here'?!" said Tydus. "There's no way the Maester expects us to wait on him."

With a complete lack of argument or complaints the group followed him into the room at the end of the hallway. At the other end of a maze of passages blessedly devoid of any minotaur, minibosses, or even random encounters they found themselves on the judge's platform of the large room that they had been put on trial in. There was a considerable lack of people here.

Just as they were about to leave to search elsewhere, Maester Mika appeared between Auron and Kimahri. "Oh my," he said, "Of all the places to teleport to. So, you guys just came here of your own volition?"

Tydus shrugged. "Yeah, we need to move the plot. While we were here we may as well make fun of you. Go on, ask us that thing you were gonna ask."

The Maester tried to hide his shock. It was unbecoming of a criminal mastermind. "Er, very well. I thought that if you irresponsible hooligans wouldn't repent, you could at least perform the Final Summon—"

"Ah HA!" said Tydus, metaphorically pouncing like a tiger. "Yunalesca is dead-dead now. We killed her." He puffed out his chest with pride. Auron took the opportunity to whack it back in.

At this Mika completely failed to hide his shock and horror. "Wha… bhuh… fah?"

"Don't kill yourself again worrying about it, we'll think of a plan and defeat Sin for good this time."

"Don't you think you should have left Yunalesca alone until you _knew_ you had a way?" said Mika, quickly overcoming even the most devastating news like only someone who had been ruling the population with fear for years could do. It was replaced with rage. Tydus often has this affect. "And I did _not_ kill myself."

"The guide says I'm doing fine," Tydus muttered.

"Oh, this is just great!" Mika was working up to a towering rage that nonetheless failed to cause concern in the battle-hardened guardians. "Our only hope is a bunch of traitors following an undoubtedly blasphemous 'guide'! Yu Yevon will destroy us all now!"

"There is it again!" said Tydus. "Just what the hell is Yu Yevon? There's no way the name's a coincidence."

"Oh, you know, really evil guy who uses Sin as his sentient armor while he obliterates the world. He's going to smite you all. Well, screw this, I'm not sticking around to see everything destroyed because a bunch of irresponsible delinquents tried to change things for the better." With that, the Maester sent himself.

For a while the group stood there staring at the pyreflies, caught off guard. "Well," said Auron, "That solves that."

As the rest of the group filed back into the passageways, Tydus hung back to try to have another romantic moment with Yuna. There were lots of little glowy bits around already, and he felt another romance song coming on. Suddenly, the fayth of Bahamut appeared in front of them.

"Hey guys," she said.

"You!" said Tydus. "What the hell is going—"

"Can't talk here, come to my room."

"What, afraid the bad guys will overhear? There's no one left. Well, maybe a few guards and a ridiculous excuse for a Captain of the Guard."

"I left pizza roles in the oven, I don't want them to burn while I'm out here talking to you. Don't even start to argue," he snapped as Tydus opened his mouth to do just so. "You either come to my room and find out about the rest of the plot, or stand here like idiots."

"Won't that make me look a bit like a pedoph—"

"Shut up! Just _shut up_! Gah! I can't _stand_ you." He faded away, leaving an angry red afterglow.

Yuna and Tydus stared at each other, both wondering if their egos could take such a blow as following the orders of a little kid. Tydus shrugged and led the way. He could worry about his ego in the Farplane.

As they both entered the Chamber of the Fayth, the boy looked up from a newspaper with what appeared to be mild surprise. "Oh, hello. What brings you here?"

"Nice try. I bet you were thinking up the best way to piss me off this whole time we've been riding those dumb moving platform things to get here. So immature." Tydus shook his head condescendingly.

"Stupid boy! I'm over 500 years old."

Tydus made a cough that sounded suspiciously like "1000 years old". The veins were pulsing at the little fayth's little temples. He then attempted some breathing exercises and tried to ignore Tydus as he whispered behind his hand to Yuna, "I've got his number. Serves him right for treating me like a puppet." Yuna just looked confused.

"Anyway," said the fayth with hard-earned calm, "Have you thought of a way to defeat Sin without the Final Summoning?"

"Seems like everyone and their mother just has to ask us that question," Yuna said irritably. "It just so happens that we do have an idea. The Hymn of the Fayth should paralyze Sin with its grating discords and horrendous singers."

"I don't think that's the sort of thing to gamble the world on."

"Won't kill us to try," said Tydus.

"It might just," said the fayth with a cruel grin.

"I thought you were gonna help us out. What about this Yu Yevon we keep hearing about?"

"Yu Yevon was the first summoner. He's the one that created the first aeons and started the cult that would evolve into the principle religion of the entire world it is today. At the time he was only really interested in power, and eventually found a way to merge with any aeon. He disappeared for a while, when the religion was still obscure. He came back as Sin during a war between Bevelle and Zanarkand. Everything was in such disorder already that it was easy to throw it into complete chaos. It's hard to argue with proof, and everyone quickly switched religions to the only one that offered hope. Now Yu Yevon sleeps, dreaming of destruction, and we can't wake up until he is gone," the fayth finished dramatically.

"That is such a load of shit."

"Well, I did deviate completely from the script…"

"Made much more sense this way, in comparison, though."

"That's what I said!"

"Silly writers."

"And now you know the whole story. Except for Yuna, who still doesn't know quite everything."

"What--?"

"Okay, we're leaving now!" Tydus pushed Yuna roughly out of the Chamber.

They met the others at the Airship. Shelinda was just leaving with instructions to send a chain-email to everyone in her address book telling them to stand outside and sing the Hymn of the Fayth at the top of their lungs. Onboard, they discovered a present on their radar. There was now a coordinates listing named Sin hovering innocently over the Calm Lands. Someone popped the cork of a wine bottle and wheeled out a cake with the words "The end is near!" written in festive red icing on it. But little did they know that this was just the beginning. The beginning of the end! Holy cow!

As they flew, Wakka approached Cid. "I know I've been kinda cold to you ever since I met you, but I just wanted you to know that I've realized how stupid I was being. The Al Bhed aren't evil Satan-worshippers. In fact, it appears _I_ was the one worshipping the devil. But anyway, if you want to play around with crazy contraptions and risk blowing yourself sky-high, that's okay with me, I won't judge you anymore. And even though my favorite Cid will always be FF7 Cid, you'll always be my number two." He sniffed emotionally as tears welled up in his eyes. He gave a fake punch to Cid's shoulder. "You're my buddy," he stammered.

Cid stared at Wakka as he stumbled into the hallway, while everyone else looked embarrassed. Auron coughed nervously. "Wow," said Tydus.

"Erm," said Cid. "Well, we're almost at the Calm Lands, so you folks should get up on deck. I'll be blasting the music out of our award-winning sound system in a few minutes."

It was another beautiful day on the deck of the Airship. Tydus was walking to the edge (without a safety harness) to take a deep breath of the crisp upper atmosphere when he got a face full of flying squirrel.

"Ahhh!" Tydus screamed, quite understandably.

The rest of the group came over, surprised into overcoming their usual indifference and occasional enjoyment of Tydus in pain. Except for Auron, who was the son of the devil and felt compassion for no one. "Man, you okay?" Wakka asked.

Tydus ripped the frantic squirrel from his face and quickly chucked it like a paper airplane at the ground below. He turned his face to the heavens and yelled, "What was that?! Flying squirrels can't even really fly! There's no excuse for this sort of random torment! So I ask you: WHY?!"

"Who are you talking to?" asked Yuna.

"I don't know! Where were we? Oh yeah. Here—" Tydus fumbled a sound sphere from his pocket dimension and held it out to Yuna, "is your suicide note. And there it goes." He chucked it overboard, aiming vaguely for the squirrel, which was still plummeting. "Your acceptance of your fate makes me jealous, anyway."

"Stop pilfering my stuff!"

"Hey, guys, can you hear that?" said Rikku.

"What?!" replied the group.

"I said, can you guys hear that?!"

"We can't hear you over all this noise!" said Lulu.

"What?!" said Rikku.

There was, in fact, brain-numbingly loud noise exploding from the Airship's cleverly disguised array of woofers, tweeters, and anything in between. The group could feel the vibrations of the bass rearranging their DNA.

From several miles away one could properly identify the sounds as the Hymn of the Fayth. Sin, a mere half-mile away hiding behind a hill, and possessing regrettably acute hearing, was temporarily knocked out. Clouds began to gather, swirling ominously above them like the eye of a storm.

Suddenly, for a brief moment, the sound cut out entirely, and the world went dead quiet (or at least, everyone's ears weren't currently capable of picking up a herd of elephants stampeding toward them from behind, which was unfortunate for those for which this was actually the case). Then an enormous series of explosions flowered all around the Airship as each section of the sound system shot away from its housing with the power to annihilate a herd of stampeding elephants, along with anyone about to be run over by said herd.

Gravity pulled the flaming debris downward, and they gouged deep paths through the ground. One piece barely missed Luca. The ensuing tsunami hit dead-on.

Gradually everything quieted down again, though everyone in the group was still too deaf to hear the screams of terror and despair that persisted down below. "Woo-wee!" Cid called over the intercom. "And _that_ is how we won the award!"

Yuna gaped. "Hey, I remember that! Eight months ago! They said it must have been Sin!"

"Um… yeaaahh. Okay, so that didn't seem to work. But our sonar equipment was able to pick up a new mountain over that way, which is incidentally not on a fault line, so it's probably Sin. We're heading there now."

At this point I would make a Power Rangers spoof of Airship vs. Sin, but that's a bit too silly for me, hahaha. If you'd like, you can imagine it yourself, but I'll warn you, it is rather scary…

When they reached the suspicious new chunk of land, it was just recovering from the bombardment of sound.

"I have an idea!" said Cid.

"I've decided I don't like your ideas!" said Tydus.

"We're going to ram Sin and skewer it on these two pointy things I had attached while we were under attack back at Home. I was gonna make a fiend-kebab! Haha!"

"Actually, I wouldn't mind my old man getting skewered." The Airship started accelerating into a steep dive. "What the hell?! Can't we get seatbelts or something?!"

Cid either wasn't listening or didn't care, or both, and he crashed the craft straight into Sin's unmovable body. The spikes shot both of Sin's primary arms out of their sockets, and the seven assorted nuts stupid enough to be standing on the deck were flung an incredible distance right into Sin's mouth, opened in a scream of shock and pain. It was smelly. Inside, they discovered, not a complex system of oversized organs and an agonizing death via stomach acid, but a huge, empty space that glowed in soft pastels. For some reason, they floated toward a really unnecessarily gigantic image of Seymour's head, which was, of all things, laughing at them.

"Yeah, what could you be so happy about," Tydus shouted at it as they floated ever closer. "A sperm whale could fit through those pores!"

They hit the image's right eyeball and went through. On the other side was… _was_…

"Ah-HA!" said Yuna to Rikku. "It's a city!"

"A city made out of barnacles, obviously," Rikku sniffed.

"It does smell kinda fishy actually," said Wakka.

"That would be the giant lungfish monster behind you," said Tydus, pointing. "Haha, made you look! But seriously, there is a monster behind you."

Wakka turned and examined the fiend as it crept closer… and _closer_. "What? This is, like, less than the Omega Ruins." He beat the fiend to death with his spike-covered blitzball.

To expedite their journey, they split up, passing like a wave of death through the City of Dying Dreams. Blood and bodies accumulated faster than they could disintegrate into pyreflies, and the pyreflies of the less recently deceased filled the sky like parade balloons, lighting the way to the other end of the city. Tydus ran down the middle while the group fan out around him, keeping close enough to the main character to avoid freezing and dropping out of the game.

As Tydus ran down the main avenue, swinging and tossing his swords at fiends, he caught sight of a classy little café, with classy little tables out front. Seymour was sitting at one of them, sipping from a classy little cup. He was covered in various glowing things that tripled his size. Tydus ran into a mailbox in shock.

"What the hell! Is that Seymour?"

"Yo." He sipped his coffee.

"What happened to you? You look terrible!"

"Oh, you know, all that dying really gets to ya eventually…" He coughed uncomfortably then muttered, "and the steroids."

"Wha-- Why are you here? I mean, what exactly do you think you're doing inside Sin?"

Seymour slowly and deliberately set down the cup on its classy little saucer, then, equally slowly, pushed back the chair and stood up. Tydus tensed, prepared to launch another sword. "Well," said Seymour, the picture of composure. "I'm going to find Yu Yevon and merge with him as he merges with aeons. Then I will overpower him and then _I_ will be the one in charge of Sin! I will be the best Sin ever, raining the kind of terror and death upon the sad little slime of Spira that your father could only dream of!" By this time little flecks of foam were forming around his mouth. He wiped them off before continuing.

"I can't tell you how wrong that is—"

"You even destroyed the Final Summoning, now nothing can stop me! Spira will spiral itself to death, and there will be nothing left! Then the dinosaurs will come back and I will be their king!" As Seymour reached his conclusion he raised his arms as if he had already triumphed, then looked to Tydus for his reaction.

Tydus was speechless.

"Who's yelling over here? Sounded like a flock of pigeons being massac— hoo geez, that's not a pretty sight." Auron walked around a bend, followed by the rest of the group from either end of the street.

"Seymour was just telling me his master plan, and I was just about to retort by pointing out his greatest, though there were many lesser, flaws, the first of which being that he's a doofus. The second was that we are now like unto gods, and don't need a Final Summoning to beat his ass into the dirt… or cobblestones, if you want."

"He wanted to rule the dinosaurs?" said Rikku to Lulu. "That would be so _cool_!"

Seymour steamed, and his glowy bits glowed more fiercely to reflect this. Three big circles formed behind him, disturbing the layout of the tables in front of the café. The group was starting an argument about, were there dinosaurs in the first place, how feasible or useful it would be to be their king.

Tydus looked at his guide in case there were any tricks to this boss. The guide informed him that he should endeavor to attack the circles behind Seymour, which only ranged weapons could reach, until they were the same, and only then attack Seymour with the opposite magic until one of the circles would change, then do it all over again. It looked like a lot of work to Tydus. Then he noticed Seymour's HP.

"Hey, Yuna," he called, "Summon Anima to do that what-its-face, Oblivion thing."

"What?!" said Seymour, "You have my mom's aeon?! You're going to try to kill me with my _mom_?! That's sick!"

He seemed more incredulous than scared, which irked Tydus into saying, "The other night she confessed to me that she doesn't think she spanked you enough when you were little, though I rather enjoy her spankings, so I don't really understand."

"_WHAT?!_" said Seymour and Yuna, just as Anima Obliterated him. His dead but still glowing body fell into some classy little chairs.

"For the love of… not-Yevon, send him!" said Wakka.

Yuna ran to the café with a passion.

"Ah, Seymour," said Tydus, shaking his head sadly while Yuna danced with a malicious smile on her face (the dance itself seemed to mostly consist of beating the subject on the head with the rod). "His only flaw was his mere 80,000HP."

"I thought you said he had many flaws," said Lulu.

"Why are you always pointing out my mistakes?!" Tydus sobbed at her. "I was just trying to be dramatic!"

"What's with all these swords everywhere?" said Rikku.

"Oh that," said Tydus, completely fine again. "Yeah, I had plenty of them taking up space in my pocket dimension. For some reason fiends have been dropping them and they just sort of built up. This was the perfect way to get rid of them, I think."

Yuna wrapped up the sending, and the group continued to the end of the city, where they could now see a tower of large glowing orbs sticking out of previously melted metal. It was warped and twisted, tapering toward the bottom and defying gravity magnificently. Upon closer inspection, a large oval orb in the front appeared to be a door. Tydus instinctively touched it. He turned into a duck.

"Quack!?" said Tydus, "I mean, what the hell?!"

"Says here on the side of the door that it's polite to ring the doorbell first," said Lulu.

"The world is out to get me, I swear," he said, as Lulu rang the doorbell, for Tydus could no longer reach.

After a few seconds, the orb swung open, and the group walked inside, where they found a large field of smooth crystal, with the odd patch of crystal spikes jabbing out, scattered with eggs that were much too big to be duck. As they stood and looked around in wonder, a new spike suddenly sprung out of the ground, impaling Wakka.

The group's reaction was, naturally, to start running around willy nilly. Tydus somehow managed to consult his guide at the same time, while Kimahri used a Phoenix Down on Wakka, who died again shortly afterward of "continuing to be impaled by a large spike of crystal" syndrome. The guide said that the group needed to collect ten eggs, filled with random, powerful objects. Tydus headed straight for the first eggs in sight, but was suddenly cut off by a spike in front of him. By the time he had gotten around it, the egg was gone.

"Egg collecting seemed pointless in the first place," said Yuna, when Tydus told everyone what to do, "but now it's just a pain in the ass."

"You can blame my old man for this, I'm sure. I bet he's the only Sin to have all this ridiculous stuff all over his head."

Finally, after much running around, they were able to get all the eggs, though they discovered that all the items were just powerful enough to be useless. They didn't have time to piss about it or to figure out where they had to go next before they were all transported somewhere entirely different.

Wakka's dead body disappeared from the crystal spike and reappeared, still dead, lying next to the group on a floating platform above a Zanarkand in the middle of a fire crisis. They heard fire engines and ambulances racing through the streets trying to quell the rampant flames. The group leaned over the rail of the platform to watch. Tydus was preparing to hock a loogie.

An irritated cough behind them reminded them that they were here for a reason, and they turned around to see Jecht standing at the other end, looking completely normal. A giant flaming J was floating behind his end of the platform, which the group identified correctly as the source of the fires below.

Having received their full attention, Jecht drew himself up into an impressive pose and said in a severe and serious voice, "Luke, I am your father."

"Tydus. My name is Tydus."

Jecht did a wonderful impression of a train being violently derailed, then looked sheepishly at what he now realized was Tydus in duck form. "Ha! You must have touched the door!"

"Godsdammnit, old man!" Tydus shouted in his little duck voice, "That's the dumbest prank I've ever heard off." He yanked his sword out of his pocket dimension with his beak. It was now considerably larger and heavier that Tydus, but he nonetheless made a valiant effort to waddle over and slice open Jecht's stomach. He didn't manage to take one step before falling on his beak. Jecht laughed some more as Tydus struggled to lift the sword with the intention of doggedly trying again, then waved his hand, and suddenly Tydus was a human kneeling on the ground with a sword in his mouth. Tydus didn't even pause to say thanks, but immediately grabbed his sword and continued to charge at his father.

"The guide says Braska's Final Aeon is the last fight," Tydus called to the rest as he ran. "This is really the end!"

"Sounds too good to be true, but I'll get my hopes up anyway," said Yuna, following along with the others.

"Remember guys," said Jecht, stepping backwards to the end of the platform, "only three at a time, or else that's just unfair." He stepped off the edge just as the group reached him.

They looked over the edge. All they could see was the burning abyss that was Zanarkand. Wakka turned to Tydus, looking worried. "We're not supposed to follow him, are we?"

Tydus was about to consult his guide again when something that could almost be identified as a Jecht who had been put in a blender, set on fire, electrocuted, bleached, air-brushed with lightning decals, set on fire again, then enlarged to five times his original size popped up in front of them. Needless to say, the group was a bit put off.

"Let's do this!" Jecht bellowed.

Ten seconds later he was back to normal and twitching on the ground while Anima did her victory dance again. "This is getting kinda stupid," said Tydus. Yuna laughed manically.

"Son," said Jecht, "Come here. In my dying moments I suddenly feel like having a father-son moment and making up for years of unkindness."

"Eat boot, old man." Tydus proceeded to stomp on Jecht's face and kick him where it hurt. Five minutes of cruel abuse later, he finally stopped. "I feel a lot better. I think I might even forgive you for all the shit you've put me through."

"Gee, thanks," Jecht wheezed. Then he dissolved into still more pyreflies.

At this point the group could no longer contain their relief that they had made it through the entirety of FFX. They danced around with wild abandon, played musical chairs, had a turkey feast, and then Wakka pulled a seven-layer cake from his pocket dimension. "Been saving it for a special occasion," he said.

Or at least, he would have, if the moment Jecht disappeared the platform hadn't begun to tremble, and their surroundings to warp, until they were standing on a large sword (to put Cloud's to shame, as seven people were standing upon it) surrounded by pinkish-orange clouds.

"Tydus, you said that was the end!" said Yuna accusingly.

"Ha, you were wrong," said Auron. "This disproves your entire 'player's guide' and means you've all been following a cry-baby with mental issues."

"Give it a _rest_, bunny ears!" Tydus shuddered. "Ahh, guide-withdraw! Why have you failed me?"

"Ahem," said the Bahamut fayth, standing off to the side. When they all turned to him he continued. "Remember when I said we aeons would help?"

"No."

"Really? My mistake. Summon us to beat Yu Yevon. I'm definitely telling the truth. No plans of back-stabbing here."

"I can't put my finger on it, but I'm suspicious…" said Rikku.

Yuna shrugged and summoned Prissy, who hadn't seen the light of day since she had received it. As soon as he was out, a strange tick-shaped balloon spouting noxious fumes came floating in, collided with Prissy, and possessed it.

"Oh, what?!" said Tydus. "You knew this was gonna happened but you wanted to be summoned anyway?! That's a textbook case of backstabbing if I ever saw one. Whatever. Piece of cake. He's only got, what, 8,000HP?" He ran up and swung his sword for what was usually a 9,999 damage hit, but was shocked to see merely 502 damage to Prissy's HP. Wakka clean missed, as did Auron. Tydus spit with frustration.

Yuna summoned Anima, who also missed entirely. Prissy, however, hit Anima for half her HP. Another round of the similar left Anima flat out dead. The group stared in disbelief as Anima faded to nothing before them, leaving only Prissy stomping an impetuous hoof.

"No..." said Tydus, dropping to his knees. "No way! How is that even possible?!"

"What're we gonna do?!" Rikku wailed.

"There's nothing we _can_ do!" said Wakka, "We're all gonna die!"

Even Kimahri was running in panicked circles, grunting quietly.

It was Yuna's turn, so they were safe as long as she did nothing. She just stood off to the side, apparently frozen with fear. In fact, she was thinking. Thinking… of an idea! "Guys," she finally said. "Hey, guys! I've got an idea!"

But the rest of the group was still too busy contemplating the utter doominess of their doom in their own special ways.

"I said, _I have an idea!_" she yelled. The group stuttered to a halt and calmed down to listen, preparing to switch immediately to panicking again if Yuna turned out to be lying. Wakka, however, continued to run all around the sword, climbing up the Pagodas and pin wheeling at the edges, all the while screaming about the apocalypse. Yuna continued anyway. "We don't need no stinkin' aeons. Look." She doublecast Ultima, costing 2MP total and annihilating Prissy. Yu Yevon staggered his oversized tick body out of the dying aeon.

The group switched instantly from abject terror to cautious optimism, and then gradually reached their usual level of godly arrogance. Magic never missed, no aeon could withstand more than four hits, and with her legendary weapon Yuna could cast until her arms fell off. Only Auron could find something to complain about. "If only Lulu had her legendary weapon, since she also has Doublecast and Ultima. Or really, if only I had _my_ legendary weapon, I could kill them all in one hit, combined. And what if Yuna doesn't get a turn and we all die?" Okay, a lot of something…

Tydus scribbled down Auron's complaints and his answers, just to make sure he got it right. "One, if you'd prefer to stand around dodging lightning for hours, or going all over Spira killing ten of everything, be my guest. Two, you just _lied to my face_. Three, we all have Auto-life, so there's room for error!"

"That's what this halo thing is?" said Rikku. "Kinda creepy…"

"A little. We are on a giant sword floating somewhere inside Sin battling an oversized possessive tick, you know."

Tydus, Rikku, and Lulu struck up some small talk while Yuna summoned and instantly murdered all the aeons she had painstakingly searched for and prayed to. Wakka was trying to get Auron to be his therapist, as he felt the mistaken sighting of his impending doom had strummed the last string of his sanity a tad too hard and he had snapped.

Yuna finished and approached the group of, some might need reminding, her guardians. "Okay, we're done."

"Nice," said Tydus. "So where's Yu Yevon?"

"Dead. He showed up after the aeons. I sent him, too."

"What?! So, it's over?"

"You seem less happy than one would expect…"

"I just didn't get a chance to say goodbye to everyone," Tydus sniffed.

"Wha—"

"Yuna, omigod!" Wakka ran up to them. He seemed to be trying his best to initiate his own personal heart attack. "I was over there talking to Auron and he just _disappeared!_"

Tydus and Yuna gave him the Raised Eyebrow.

"I _did not_ push him off the side! Omigod, it wasn't me! I just want to go home and lie in bed and stare at the ceiling fan and never step foot outside ever again!"

Tydus laughed. "Dude, it's cool. He was dead before we got here."

This did not help Wakka. His brain shut down before he could die of stress, and he fell unconscious to the ground. Tydus began to dance around like, um… like a giddy school girl at the thought of Auron being gone, not to mention his old man. He tripped over Wakka and did a faceplant. Yuna couldn't not laugh. I mean, when is a faceplant not funny? Okay, Tiny Tim faceplant isn't funny…

"You'll get yours!" Tydus muttered at Yuna.

Around this time, the entire group was transported back to the Airship in time to avoid becoming crushed in the collapsing super deluxe pocket dimension inside Sin. From the outside, Sin was dissolving into more pyreflies than there are stars in the galaxy, grains of sand in one square kilometer of beach, grams of fat in Wakka's mom. Oh! Zing!

Though it was now the early hours of the morning, these pyreflies lit up the sky around them like midday. Tydus could clearly see that Yuna was crying.

"Ah, gods," Yuna sobbed. "I'm being compelled by this cut scene to try to hug your inexplicably fading body!"

Tydus looked at his hands. "Oh hey, look at that!"

Yuna ran forward and tripped, her face meeting the deck a full four feet from Tydus's awesome boots, which haven't been getting nearly enough screen time up till now. Yuna was paralyzed with embarrassment.

"Comeuppance!" Tydus crowed. "And in my short lifetime, even." He glanced again at his body, observing yesterday's breakfast still being digested in his stomach. He couldn't help but feel a bit worried about that.

From deep in Yuna's throat came a primal growl. She climbed to her feet slowly and deliberately. The look in her eyes caused Tydus to take a nervous step backwards. The beauty of Sin's death was lost on the entire group as they watched intently.

Yuna lunged at him, but Tydus was ready. He instantly turned and ran away. While running he quickly took out and glanced over his "Things to do Before I Die" list, gave "Have sexual relations with female lead" a miss, and crossed out "sky dive" just as he reached the edge of the deck. "Cowabunga!" he yelled before dropping out of sight.

Yuna stopped dead at the deck's edge, pin wheeling and flabbergasted. The rest of the group looked around uneasily, wondering if they could become accessories to murder for this.

"Why didn't anyone tell me he was suicidal?" Yuna demanded.

"We all went on this mission," said Lulu. "I'd imagine we're all quite unstable and liable to jump from extreme heights at any moment."

Wakka, once again conscious, shied away from the edge.

"Hey, Auron," said Rikku, "What's up with Tydus? Oh, wait, he's gone. I guess we'll never know."

----

As Tydus fell, he realized two things: that clouds were actually made of very wet, and very cold, water, and a fervent hope that the faiths in the wall would wake up faster. He made a third realization that logically his body was somewhere stuck in that same wall and began to worry that his face had been next to someone's butt for a thousand years. He continued to reflect that Jecht must also be in the wall, and wondered why exactly he showed up in Spira in the first place. It occurred to him that Jecht might have been the fayths' first attempt at stopping Sin. _Must have drawn straws_, Tydus thought, sniggering.

By this point he imagined he was about halfway to the ground, and the surroundings were finally beginning to resemble the Farplane. Tydus was becoming tired of all this thinking, so he tried some freefall stunts. He stopped short in a complicated multi-directional somersault when he noticed two objects that were decidedly un-cloud-like hanging stationary below him. Closer inspection revealed Jecht and Auron. Tydus's immediate reaction was dread at the thought that he was going to the same place as them, and that clearly the Farplane was no substitution for Heaven.

Tydus adjusted himself to a collision vector. Jecht apparently misinterpreted this action and held out his hand for a high five. Tydus pulled himself into a streamline bullet, picking up speed.

"Hey there, son!" Jecht called.

"Closer… closer…" Tydus murmured. He stretched his arm out behind him.

"Put 'er there, son!" Jecht continued optimistically.

The arm flew forward. Tydus's fist collided magnificently with Jecht's face. In his joy he forgot to watch his landing and did a belly flop into the lake of the Farplane.

It turns out, there's a McDonald's there, too.

----

Back on the deck of the Airship, Wakka was leaning against the bay door, smoking a cigarette. He felt pleased with his decision on how to deal with his insanity. He would kill everyone in Spira. That'd teach them to cause him all this stress.

The remaining guardians stood with their summoner and watched the sun rise.

----

One month later…

Yuna stood at the edge of a pier in Luca, whistling across the clear blue ocean. This is an allusion to something that never happened because I'm lazy. I'm not sorry. Anyway, for whatever reason, she whistled. Then she waited. Nothing happened.

Lulu walked up behind her and watched for a minute, because after a minute, Yuna was starting to hyperventilate. "That would be much more effective if you were currently visiting the Farplane, you know." She turned to walk back.

Yuna glared at the back of her head, but followed Lulu to the stadium. She was due to give a speech.

The stadium was packed with more people than usually came to see blitz games, and seeing how blitzball was basically the only national sport, and this was the only real stadium, that's saying something. Now one wonders, "Why are they doing this at the blitzball stadium? Don't they have any other public meeting places?" and the answer is, "Because the stadium was already rendered."

Yuna stepped up to the mike, a small part of a whole new sound system installed by the Al Bhed. She took a calming breath, and then…

As loud as she could…

She screamed…

"You selfish bleepers! We go all over the place saving your bleeping bleeps, but all you did was charge us for products and services and make us jump through hoops for rare items! Kilika gave us all sorts of free stuff, and that was after their entire village got bleeping destroyed! You all made life difficult, and you don't deserve a proper speech!"

She turned and stormed off. Lulu, Wakka, and Kimahri shuffled nervously. This could have gone badly, but thankfully the audience was now completely deaf without exception.

You can just imagine the repercussions of such an event, because this is

THE END

and I've stopped narrating.

------------------------------

Giant lungfish monster brought to you by Pyschonauts. Yeah, okay, it's not really an RPG. Zelda on steroids, really XD

Props to Lix for the Star Wars reference.


	25. Bonus Tracks

That's it! Thanks for reading!

-------------------------------------

Chapter 28 --- The Bonus Tracks!

Some Favorite Things? Sung by Tydus

Syrup on waffles

And gameday with blitzballs.

Chopping up badguys

And bricking the mortals.

Dating with Yuna and then having sex.

These are a few of the things I like best.

Hey there's Seymour,

He's a mutant,

And he's looking mad.

I'll just show him a few of my strongest attacks

And then he might be, real dead!

----

And now, for an all-out musical bonanza!

The FF Rhapsody

_Stage is dark. Chorus on bleachers in background and a person in center stage barely visible._

Chorus:

Is this the real life? Is this just Fantasy?

Caught in a landslide, No escape from reality.

Open your eyes, look up to the sky and see.

_Spotlight on center stage, revealing Tydus._

Tydus:

I'm just a blitzer, I am no crybaby.

_Backlights fade on, illuminating chorus._

Chorus:

Because I'm easy come, easy go,

Little high, little slow.

Tydus:

Anywhere Kimahri goes

Doesn't really matter to me, to me.

_Kimahri seen wandering around in the chorus bleachers._

_Tydus paces slowly around in the foreground, pantomiming the violent parts._

Yuna, just killed my old man.

Put my sword against his head,

Cleaved it in two, now he's dead.

Yuna, the dreamers are done,

Hate to leave you all now and face the truth. _Makes wretched face; that's required for singing like this._

Yuna, oo-oo-ooo,

Didn't mean to make you cry.

If I'm not back again this time tomorrow

Look for me, look for me, in Final Fantasy X-2.

_A silhouette appears on the backdrop. Tydus tries to hide in plain sight. _

I see a little silluetto of a man.

_Seymour pops up, doing his best Dracula impersonation. He was paid $20 for this._

Chorus:

It's Seymour! It's Seymour! Is he back to life again?

Thunder Plains with lightning, very very annoying. _Seymour gets struck by lightning, falls out of sight. He wasn't paid for this, it was a surprise. Muahahaha._

Lulu: _enters stage right _(_calling_)

Maester Mika!

Wakka: _enters stage left_ (_more like moaning with sadness_)

Maester Mika!

Lulu: _looking questioningly at Wakka_

Maester Mika!

Wakka: (_full-out sobbing now_)

Maester Mika!

Chorus & Tydus:

Maester Mika is a wuss.

_Lulu and Wakka exit._

Tydus:

I'm just a blitzer, everyone loves me.

Chorus:

He's just a blitzer, just like his daddy!

Clearly the apple falls close to the tree!

_Tydus fumes at chorus._

Tydus:

Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?

Chorus2:

Fayths awake! No, we will not let you go!

Chorus1:

Let him go!

Chorus2:

ETCETERA!

Tydus:

Mama mia, holy jeebus, I can't keep rhyming, let me go!

Chorus:

The Farplanes has a condo set aside for me, for meee, for meeeeeeee!

_Cue guitar solo, everyone on stage commences with the head banging. Laser lights everywhere. Just go nuts._

Tydus: _(really going nuts on his air guitar_)

So you think you can summon me and spit in my eye?

So you think you can love me and leave me to die?

Oh, baby. Can't do this to me, baby.

Just gotta jump off, just gotta jump right off this ship.

_Lights on chorus dim again. Just the spotlight on Tydus._

Tydus:

Nothing really matters. Anyone can see.

Nothing really matters, to meeeee.

_Spotlight dims. Stage is once again dark. Tydus trips over a stray cord while trying to exit the stage stealthily._


End file.
